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6/19/2014 c1 2ImmortalityCertificate
Your prose and premise grabbed me immediately-I'm a sucker for all things space sci-fi. This introduction, especially the second half, really reminded me of Isaac Asimov's Foundation saga, in the way that the narrative is cast as a Historical Chronicle of a future age. Looking forward to more!
5/25/2010 c1 eiyuang999
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10/27/2009 c2 pinoy1
1/1/2009 c1 102firemounrain
I like the introduction! It's a good introduction. :)
3/28/2008 c29 16RuathaWehrling

I read the last chapter and had no comments. :) Nice work.

So did you actually go back and re-edit the whole thing? How'd it go? (Or, how is it still going?) And aren't re-writes ever so much fun... UGH.

Anyhow, give a holler if you're still writing it and want critiques. I'll try not to vanish on you again.

Take care,

3/28/2008 c27 RuathaWehrling

1.) "The guards opened fire straight away but by staying low, using the benches the slaves sat on and the boxes for cover and always moving in erratic directions, they avoided nothing worse than a few light grazes." - Wait a second! Okay, so the guards SAW them coming (and thus shot at the ship). Then Trif and Fal get off a small ship, where a dozen guards are pointing, and they don't get hit? Really, I find that hard to believe. I mean, in order for the ship to get in there and drop them off, there must be a fairly large open spot - which means that they would make easy targets. I find this unreasonable. :( Is there a way to make them enter a little more stealthily, so the guards aren't prepared to shoot until AFTER Trif and Fal are on the ground?

2.) "Falnec brought the skimmer down in a sharp dive." - Whoa. Wait... Trif and Fal get the Meyen, then get back in the ship? Why? And okay, so they get back in... and then where does Fox fly them to? I'd assumed they were flying away, but then you write this, which suggests they're back at the camp? But... if they were coming right back, why bother getting back on the ship at all? Why not just do it all at once? I'm confused...

3.) "Five guards made it down the staircase..." - Staircase? What staircase? Where are they? Really, this needs more clarification. I think this is the first time your story has actually confused me. Just one or two more sentences will probably clear it up.

4.) "From above, they could hear the sound of a full-on fire fight as Falnec kept the guards too occupied to use any of the three staircases." - So... Trifmara just built a shield of bodies that she put between herself and Fal? This is a GOOD idea? What does Fox think of cutting off his backup?

5.) "I need you to blow up all the buildings in the camp." -Err... If they have the ability to do that, why didn't they do it right away?

6.) "she saw General Ben Karàlüpiàth standing over her now unconscious assailant with a metal rod in his hands" - Cool, Ben's free. So where are all the other slaves, then?

7.) I'd still like to know what they actually accused Ben of, and how they proved it. You never really said. I mean, you said "treason", but that's not very specific.

8.) " his voice resuming the uneasiness that Ben hadn’t even noticed it drop." - This is awkward. Can you rephrase?

9.) Doesn't Fox want to send a message to... ugh, I can't recall the name, but the scientist guy on him home planet, who keeps fixing him up and giving him shiny electronic toys? And really, wouldn't he be a lot of help in this war? Why don't they think about bringing him along? I bet he wants to go home, anyhow.

10.) "You sure those were the right cords" - Do you mean co-ords?

Huh. Well, I guess after 4-5 chapters with effectively no comments, it was time for my red e-pen to get some exercise, huh? :) Sorry 'bout that. Hopefully it helps you out, though!

3/28/2008 c26 RuathaWehrling
1.) You know, prior to the last chapter with Trifmara, I never got the impression that she was THAT attached to her little flier. I mean, she left it behind without a thought when she went on the mission to get the disk and again to drop off the disk. So while I can imagine her being angry and a little sad that her flier was destroyed, it's really hard to believe that she's THIS upset. If you want her to be, then can you go back and add in something earlier so we know how attached she is to the pod?

2.) "“Yeah, it is,” Fox said in a shocked tone. “Wow.”" - Wait a sec! When Fox was here before, he talked to Ben, but didn't recognize him, didn't he? I assumed he just didn't know what Ben looked like, but this counters that. Also on that topic, it seems like no one ELSE on Mey knows who he is, which seems a bit odd to me.

3.) Trifmara's attitude in this chapter came on really strong and really suddenly. Frankly, I don't quite understand it. It's the suddenness that makes it seem so strange. For the whole rest of the story, so far, you've SAID that she usually tries to stay out of politics and the big stuff, but you haven't demonstrated that. Instead, Trifmara's been up to her neck in Big Stuff since this story started - and besides a little good-natured growling, she hasn't seemed to mind much. Now she's getting all whiney and hate-filled, and I don't really understand why. What has changed that made her change her mind so suddenly? Can you make that more clear?


3/28/2008 c25 RuathaWehrling

1.) "The women had ordered her squadrons well" - I think you mean "woman".

No other corrections here. That's an interesting weapon you've given Nakem. I have to wonder how many others have similar mental abilities, or otherwise how he got them!

Take care!

3/28/2008 c24 RuathaWehrling
Hi again!

1.) "while many people, themselves included, class the ‘mercenaries’ here as proper mercenaries," - Who are "themselves"? The only thing that makes sense grammatically is for "themselves to refer to "many people" - but that doesn't make sense in this sentence. Can you clarify this?

Well, that's a surprise ending! I mean, of course we expected an attack, but not quite this soon! Kudos on surprising me!

3/27/2008 c23 RuathaWehrling
AHA! And finally a new chapter that I can comment on. ;) I re-read the rest of it yesterday. Sorry for vanishing on your for so long - I got distracted by life. (Silly life!) Anyhow, I'm back now and am going to try to finish this. I hope you're still writing it and haven't given up!

1.) You know, I bet I said this earlier, but if you could use some of those horizontal dividing lines to separate sections when you post, it would really help out. It usually takes me a good paragraph to realize we've switched scenes!

:) I remember why I liked this story. No grammatical problems or anything else that I saw. It's nice to see three of our main characters brought together, finally! Thanks, and I hope you keep writing this!

11/29/2006 c1 6Escape Velocity
Ooh intrigue! The prologue is a good hook, makes you want to read on. I really liked how the first part captured the voice of an older, slightly pompous lecturer rousing the crowd, and the cheers were a nice touch.

I think a few sentences could be tidied up for the sake of clarity, for example: "Viewed in the skies of Earth they appear to form a close-knit belt" seems over-written. "Viewed from Earth etc" is clearer and shorter and makes the point better, I think.

Loved the reference to Neil Armstrong, which really solidified the text and made it feel more 'real'.

"but success crept into our work and it is now that I can announce the fruits of our labour." - again, this feels slightly over-written and could easily be shortened and clarified. I think it could be divided into two sentences for purposes of clarity e.g. "[...]we eventually began to achieve successes in our work. I can now announce etc".

"Our neighbours, Venus and Mars, are no longer enemies to our frail bodies" - it's difficult to understand at first read because of the complex semantics. "Our bodies are no longer victim to the hostile climates of Venus and Mars" is basically what you mean, I think, but it's not been expressed very clearly.

I love the idea of the non-space drive and its disadvantages - original and with huge potential for conflict.

"when the terrible affects of the weapons of mass destruction have passed" - I think it's "terrible effects", though I'm not 100% sure

Naiad is a beautiful name. Very poetic. All in all, I want to see what happens next...
10/25/2006 c6 3Auroreia
Interesting story and it just keeps getting better! I found nothing wrong with the last few chapters.
10/25/2006 c3 Auroreia
I like the historic excerpts at the beginning of each chapter. Very Dune-esque and spiff.

You have a thing for guys with white hair, don't you? First Casey, now Fox...

"Give me pen." Cute.

"He still dimly recalled the days of the great greenhouses with their artificial climates for farming, but that was before Van Tonder. Now the planet needed shipments to feed only some of its population." This is a bit confusing, especially the second sentence. Maybe it's just me.

James again...suspicious.

When fox takes off and sees the plume "numbers" is used in the same sentence twice and then a third right after. FYI

You REALLY like guys with white hair. Even though Beltino's older...

Fox is funny.

Sorry for reviewing every chapter, but it's easier on me.
10/25/2006 c2 Auroreia
"Sanrio"? ...Did you name it after the Hello Kitty coporation on purpose? I only noticed halfway through the chapter and whatever your intentions, I find the name amusing now.

1st paragraph: "the warm sun above kept her warm"

Clever voice idea. I imagine it would get tiring, though.

Somewhere near the songflier intro: "Making" is used in close repition.

Introduction to the guy-on-screen: "Carreneid language with a mixture of Carreneid and Krak’vi " I understand what you're trying to say but it feels choppy.

James seems fishey...hm. Sorry I'm a little nit-pickey but I don't want to overstep any boundaries. Hope you take no offense to my review ^-^;
10/25/2006 c1 Auroreia
Due to the recommindations by Arej and Ice, I've been meaning to read this for awhile. I plan to review after every session of reading to mark my place in your story.

THe introduction is wonderful; it hooks the reader's intrest immediatly. I don't see anything particularly wrong with this part...this is more of a congrats for a good start. Silly me.

Can't wait to read the rest.
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