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5/30/2007 c7 6Carmel March
This is a wonderful story so far. I loved the complexity of the various characters, each interesting and unique. Good job on this, and I can't wait for more!

4/4/2006 c5 16Islandbreeze
Hm, an interesting exchange...makes me wonder what's going on with her father, and what Alloulae is going to decide in the end.

"But you’re advising me to brake the law!”"- break the law

Cool chapter...update soon:)
3/23/2006 c4 21Lady Lucia
Heh. A fun chapter! ^-^ I love the names you give your characters. Somehow their wordy structure go with your story.

Heh, alright. I await your update. ^-^
3/23/2006 c3 Lady Lucia
Yea! Another colorful chapter! Your style of writing in this is refreshing and distinct!

There were a few errors, such as words missing in sentences but eh, it's okay. My story has a lot...A LOT more. ^-^

3/23/2006 c2 Lady Lucia
I love this it's such an enjoyable read! The characters are so colorful and distinct...and I've only seen a few. Cool! ^-^

Aside from a minor mistake in the first paragraph, "She knew her the look her father would give her..." I think you need to take out the first "her."

Other than that, nice! Love this short and simple style. You pull it off quite well.
3/23/2006 c1 Lady Lucia
Wow! I enjoyed reading that so much! It had such a smooth melody to it, nice and cool. Hehe! The character's voice can really be heard. I really can't find anything wrong with it...though the ending was a little bit off...

Nice! ^-^
10/13/2005 c4 16Islandbreeze
Aha...a new chapter!

"Noticing the excited look on her friends face"- 'friends' should be 'friend's', the face belongs to her

"As in, he doesnn’t want you to, and you’re going in anyway"- typo

She could be sold into slavery! Harsh, but I guess they have their ways...introducing more suspense here is good, and I think even though the conversation was short it got to the point you were trying to make. Just make sure you're not repeating too much that we already know. Also, I noticed you have lots of modifiers, which is okay, but sometimes it gets a little um, over needed. Filanna could be an interesting character...and I'm waiting to see what happens! good job
9/12/2005 c3 Islandbreeze
Short but good yet again...I don't think it should be cliched unless it just continues into a long string of cliches, but just because she became Hymnat's apprentice doesn't make it a cliche.

Have I mentioned I like the name Alloulae a lot? It kind of sounds Hawaiian, or tropical island-ish to me...and it's very flowy, esp. with the Alexianne after...yeah, I like names...sometimes I have issues:) Anyway, good chapters! Continue please!
9/12/2005 c2 Islandbreeze
The chapters are short, but they seem to work this way...and you could always mix them with longer chapters later. I have a lot of chapters short I could lengthen, but it's just better...flow to leave them off, ya know? Anyway, the little history of Hymnat was cool and here I can see the tension between father and daughter...
9/3/2005 c2 26Scooz
Nice intro. I like the song reference and you r begin talking about some of the characters giving them a face for the readers. It's a bit choppy with how short the chapters are. I know you want to keep the chapters short but it isn't doing anything for the story. The first chapter didn't end too bad but the second chapter just seems to cut off. It doesn't look too bad so far, but if you are gonna leave the chapters so short, atleast give them more of a conclusion so you don't leave the reader hanging.
8/30/2005 c1 16Islandbreeze
I thought this was a cool beginning, starting with the song. I like reading about characters, so I found it kept my interest but some people like my grr-brother- might feel it was too slow. It was short, and if you maybe put a line or something at the top, as with the suspense at the bottom about her life changing it would show something was going to happen soon and make them keep reading.

"October 3rd"- usually #'s under twenty should be written out

That's all for now...keep it up, and thanks for your review:)

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