for Butterfly10/10/2005 c4 
13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Hi there! It's me again! Well, thanks very much for your reviews. They made my day. Anyway, I like this chapter as like others before. Wonder what Erden has in mind for Gelihem... anyway, wonder how's Pieta gonna help out with Evondre. It's a real pity that her foot couldn't be healed again... :( but I guess it's a good thing that she got taken in, huh? Anyway looking forward to the next update. Update soon! And yeah, hope to receive your reviews as well. ^^
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHi there! It's me again! Well, thanks very much for your reviews. They made my day. Anyway, I like this chapter as like others before. Wonder what Erden has in mind for Gelihem... anyway, wonder how's Pieta gonna help out with Evondre. It's a real pity that her foot couldn't be healed again... :( but I guess it's a good thing that she got taken in, huh? Anyway looking forward to the next update. Update soon! And yeah, hope to receive your reviews as well. ^^
10/8/2005 c4 Silent Force
I'm really liking this story! You have a nice writing style, and your characters and plot are both very interesting. I'll be looking forward to where you take this story. I hope to see more chapters soon!
I'm really liking this story! You have a nice writing style, and your characters and plot are both very interesting. I'll be looking forward to where you take this story. I hope to see more chapters soon!
10/8/2005 c4 1rrmehta364
good story so far, very good chapter. I really liked it. One of the best things is that even though you added a bunch of new characters in this chapter, they all are distinct. i like the way Pieta reacts to her fall, not bitter but resigned. very interesting. there isn't any glaring problem, and my complaints are the same as always.
1rrmehta364good story so far, very good chapter. I really liked it. One of the best things is that even though you added a bunch of new characters in this chapter, they all are distinct. i like the way Pieta reacts to her fall, not bitter but resigned. very interesting. there isn't any glaring problem, and my complaints are the same as always.
10/8/2005 c1 9ice flyer
whoa! i love this. the style, the metaphors, the descriptions - already, first chapter, i like a lot. i actually think your writing has improved from "klane." the plot is aweseom too. i will most definitely return, you're on my favorites now! great job
9ice flyerwhoa! i love this. the style, the metaphors, the descriptions - already, first chapter, i like a lot. i actually think your writing has improved from "klane." the plot is aweseom too. i will most definitely return, you're on my favorites now! great job
10/8/2005 c4 5Medieval Fantasy Freak
Wow! This story is very good! The flow of language is very natural, and the story itself is entertaining. T
Though, I did find a mistake, but it is minor, do not worry.
“Come here, Pieta, and sit.” Evondre spoke with a commanding yet genteel tone that urged the listener to obey willingly. (Genteel needs to be gentle.)
Other than that, this story is amazing! I cannot wait to read more of it!
5Medieval Fantasy FreakWow! This story is very good! The flow of language is very natural, and the story itself is entertaining. T
Though, I did find a mistake, but it is minor, do not worry.
“Come here, Pieta, and sit.” Evondre spoke with a commanding yet genteel tone that urged the listener to obey willingly. (Genteel needs to be gentle.)
Other than that, this story is amazing! I cannot wait to read more of it!
10/8/2005 c4 16Islandbreeze
All your characters are very distinct, and I can definitely tell them apart, which is sometimes a problem so you've done a really good job in making them have their own personalities. I was a little surprised Pieta isn't more bitter about her fate, but she seems reserved and maybe just trying to accept what is done is done. The only character I feel might need more information on or development so far is Mierposa, but I don't know how large a role she has in the story. Good descriptions again, this is coming along nicely:) I really am enjoying reading this.
16IslandbreezeAll your characters are very distinct, and I can definitely tell them apart, which is sometimes a problem so you've done a really good job in making them have their own personalities. I was a little surprised Pieta isn't more bitter about her fate, but she seems reserved and maybe just trying to accept what is done is done. The only character I feel might need more information on or development so far is Mierposa, but I don't know how large a role she has in the story. Good descriptions again, this is coming along nicely:) I really am enjoying reading this.
10/8/2005 c2 Islandbreeze
Oh, I read the prologue and I'm very glad you added- the description of Pieta stading on the block was nice because it also showed her feelings a bit, and not just how she physically looked.
She seems like she'll be a developed character, because you've already starting doing a good job with that and now she has our sympathy for losing her ability to dance like before, which she obviously loved.
Erden looks interesting too, but I can't really tell yet. Seems nice though- and their going to see a king? Intriguing... well written so far, with good characters! Nice job
Oh, I read the prologue and I'm very glad you added- the description of Pieta stading on the block was nice because it also showed her feelings a bit, and not just how she physically looked.
She seems like she'll be a developed character, because you've already starting doing a good job with that and now she has our sympathy for losing her ability to dance like before, which she obviously loved.
Erden looks interesting too, but I can't really tell yet. Seems nice though- and their going to see a king? Intriguing... well written so far, with good characters! Nice job
10/8/2005 c4 6Count of Casualty
Aw yay! Things are beginning to look up for dear Pieta! I wish her the best and I hope that everything works out to give her a happy life. Oh, and that she gets to see more of that cute sailor. ;)Excellent chapter, I still just adore your writing. If you ever become published, I will be the first in line to get your books. Could I get your autograph, too, while I'm at it. lol.
6Count of CasualtyAw yay! Things are beginning to look up for dear Pieta! I wish her the best and I hope that everything works out to give her a happy life. Oh, and that she gets to see more of that cute sailor. ;)Excellent chapter, I still just adore your writing. If you ever become published, I will be the first in line to get your books. Could I get your autograph, too, while I'm at it. lol.
10/8/2005 c2 5Medieval Fantasy Freak
Hello there!
I really REALLY enjoyed reading this thus far. I can tell already that this story will be interesting, and I look forward to reading more. I didn't see any grammatical errors in this, so congradulations! :D
Well, I must go now! Buh bye!
5Medieval Fantasy FreakHello there!
I really REALLY enjoyed reading this thus far. I can tell already that this story will be interesting, and I look forward to reading more. I didn't see any grammatical errors in this, so congradulations! :D
Well, I must go now! Buh bye!
10/6/2005 c3 1rrmehta364
interesting fellow, this new king. just as warning, its too easy to pigeon hole all kings into three categories: weak, strong, evil. It seems you've just created three kings who follow this mold exactly. develop all of their characters so we each king as a unique character, and not a fantasy archetype. this is a trap that's all too easy to fall into, though not one you've fallen into yet. however, as always the writing was simply exquisite. there's nothing new in your style i feel the need to comment on.
1rrmehta364interesting fellow, this new king. just as warning, its too easy to pigeon hole all kings into three categories: weak, strong, evil. It seems you've just created three kings who follow this mold exactly. develop all of their characters so we each king as a unique character, and not a fantasy archetype. this is a trap that's all too easy to fall into, though not one you've fallen into yet. however, as always the writing was simply exquisite. there's nothing new in your style i feel the need to comment on.
10/5/2005 c3 7chuckles1414
All I can say is...wow. You write wonderfully. Wish I could write as good...hope you update soon.
7chuckles1414All I can say is...wow. You write wonderfully. Wish I could write as good...hope you update soon.
10/5/2005 c3 1Clodhopper
Aha, there it is explained - omniscient. Be careful of using this pov because it can often get blurred.
"The young king’s head began to ache, and he took of his crown, a delicate woven wreath of gold. It looked light, but seemed to Laertes an unbearable weight at times" - wonderful. That was so well said.
This was a short chapter and though it had a lot of information in it I cannot help but feel it was left...slightly incomplete. That will perhaps be something you can address in retrospect if you ever fall back and start re-doing things.
Kudos and looking forward to reading more
Mack
1ClodhopperAha, there it is explained - omniscient. Be careful of using this pov because it can often get blurred.
"The young king’s head began to ache, and he took of his crown, a delicate woven wreath of gold. It looked light, but seemed to Laertes an unbearable weight at times" - wonderful. That was so well said.
This was a short chapter and though it had a lot of information in it I cannot help but feel it was left...slightly incomplete. That will perhaps be something you can address in retrospect if you ever fall back and start re-doing things.
Kudos and looking forward to reading more
Mack
10/5/2005 c2 Clodhopper
Yay for updates! Now is this going to be a full fledged story attempt or are you going more for a saga? Since I've already reviewed the prologue I obviously can't review it again...however, I have re-read it and this is what I thought:
PROLOGUE: oh, goosebumps. What a gorgeous beginning, Pheobe. It was wonderful. The end - shivers. I just love your imagery in this. I am so excited you decided to continue with it and I am so sorry it has taken me this dang long to get over here.
CHAPTER 1: The dialogue with the slave traders was well done. I thought it was inerjected nicely and that it shaped some kind of personality for the nameless guys.
"Relieved, Lenhelm handed the limping Pieta over to her new master." - VERY small nitpick. I would change "relieved" to "looking relieved" since this chapter isnt from his point of view. Of course, many others may disagree with me.
"Her face seemed anxious." this is also a note to above. Who's viewpoint are we seeing this from? Or are you going with the slightly confusing omnicent? At the start we were still in Pieta's head but now it seems as if the omnicent pov has taken over.
Pieta btw was a great choice in name for her.
a couple too many semi-colons within the dialogue. May wanna back a few of those out.
This seems to be almost to be Greek mythology. The names and the feel of the whole story. This man, Erden, seems very interesting. I cant wait to see how this whole thing unfolds! The dialogue was sweet, Pieta sounds so innocent and scared. Erden obviously has a past to pick at.
Again, I am so excited you chose to continue this one. I am sorry I cant review the next chapter right now but I promise to be back as soon as I can.
Kudos! (And keep in mind most of the CC was so nitpicky)
Mack
Yay for updates! Now is this going to be a full fledged story attempt or are you going more for a saga? Since I've already reviewed the prologue I obviously can't review it again...however, I have re-read it and this is what I thought:
PROLOGUE: oh, goosebumps. What a gorgeous beginning, Pheobe. It was wonderful. The end - shivers. I just love your imagery in this. I am so excited you decided to continue with it and I am so sorry it has taken me this dang long to get over here.
CHAPTER 1: The dialogue with the slave traders was well done. I thought it was inerjected nicely and that it shaped some kind of personality for the nameless guys.
"Relieved, Lenhelm handed the limping Pieta over to her new master." - VERY small nitpick. I would change "relieved" to "looking relieved" since this chapter isnt from his point of view. Of course, many others may disagree with me.
"Her face seemed anxious." this is also a note to above. Who's viewpoint are we seeing this from? Or are you going with the slightly confusing omnicent? At the start we were still in Pieta's head but now it seems as if the omnicent pov has taken over.
Pieta btw was a great choice in name for her.
a couple too many semi-colons within the dialogue. May wanna back a few of those out.
This seems to be almost to be Greek mythology. The names and the feel of the whole story. This man, Erden, seems very interesting. I cant wait to see how this whole thing unfolds! The dialogue was sweet, Pieta sounds so innocent and scared. Erden obviously has a past to pick at.
Again, I am so excited you chose to continue this one. I am sorry I cant review the next chapter right now but I promise to be back as soon as I can.
Kudos! (And keep in mind most of the CC was so nitpicky)
Mack
10/3/2005 c3 6Count of Casualty
Poor guy! He doesn't have enough time to spend with his wife... :(This was a well written chapter. I look forward to more! :)
6Count of CasualtyPoor guy! He doesn't have enough time to spend with his wife... :(This was a well written chapter. I look forward to more! :)
10/3/2005 c3 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Hi there! It's me again! Well, first things first, thanks very much for your reviews. Never knew you don't like elves, but well... anyway, you don't have to say your plot is mediocre. I found this story quite good together with the plot. You did quite good after all. Like the scene portrayed here. You really express Laertes' thoughts very well and the reason why Thalgiers' military might wane is also very well writtened. The interaction between Laertes and his advisors were also well-written. Ok, so I've said enough. Hope to see you update this soon. Bye!
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHi there! It's me again! Well, first things first, thanks very much for your reviews. Never knew you don't like elves, but well... anyway, you don't have to say your plot is mediocre. I found this story quite good together with the plot. You did quite good after all. Like the scene portrayed here. You really express Laertes' thoughts very well and the reason why Thalgiers' military might wane is also very well writtened. The interaction between Laertes and his advisors were also well-written. Ok, so I've said enough. Hope to see you update this soon. Bye!