for Butterfly1/20/2006 c17 
16Islandbreeze
Pieta sounds very pretty in this, and it is kind of bitter that Virgil can't see her, but I guess it makes her happy to dress up and I think it's so sweet that they did find each other.
Evondre does have such strong emotion, and I'm glad she and Virgil are going to stay in the palace a while longer, for Pieta has just begun to feel unafraid of freedom. I really like the ending, and I think it works well, I didn't really find it too slow, and I'm glad that Pieta finally found happiness. Great story...and congrats on finishing!
16IslandbreezePieta sounds very pretty in this, and it is kind of bitter that Virgil can't see her, but I guess it makes her happy to dress up and I think it's so sweet that they did find each other.
Evondre does have such strong emotion, and I'm glad she and Virgil are going to stay in the palace a while longer, for Pieta has just begun to feel unafraid of freedom. I really like the ending, and I think it works well, I didn't really find it too slow, and I'm glad that Pieta finally found happiness. Great story...and congrats on finishing!
1/20/2006 c16 Islandbreeze
Pieta's song that Virgil sings is so pretty, and the whole reunitement is great, I'm so happy for Pieta. Laertes too, since now he has a family. The background about Adam did explain a lot, but now that I've read it, I think it would also work well intermixed in his memories previously, to help understand his motivation. I think it works well to have him ask for her freedom, and I like Laertes comment at the end.
Pieta's song that Virgil sings is so pretty, and the whole reunitement is great, I'm so happy for Pieta. Laertes too, since now he has a family. The background about Adam did explain a lot, but now that I've read it, I think it would also work well intermixed in his memories previously, to help understand his motivation. I think it works well to have him ask for her freedom, and I like Laertes comment at the end.
1/20/2006 c15 Islandbreeze
Oh no, poor Erden! At least Pieta is alright, and she's found Virgil...the ending of this chapter was beautiful. Adam was definitely in character not showing his relief that much at Pieta's recovery, being terse, and then Evondre and Laertes too, their solemnity after battle was good. Damon being killed by a stray arrow seemed a little too easy, but I guess it got him out of the way, and I was glad about it anyway. Gotta see what happens next!
Oh no, poor Erden! At least Pieta is alright, and she's found Virgil...the ending of this chapter was beautiful. Adam was definitely in character not showing his relief that much at Pieta's recovery, being terse, and then Evondre and Laertes too, their solemnity after battle was good. Damon being killed by a stray arrow seemed a little too easy, but I guess it got him out of the way, and I was glad about it anyway. Gotta see what happens next!
1/20/2006 c14 Islandbreeze
Pieta's speech is definitely just...her, and the phrase 'queer thickness' really, to me at least, gave a clear feeling of what he sounded like. Poor Pieta, Damon can't see that he has become a savage. You used great words to describe his attitude, and the manner he used toward Pieta.
Interesting twist with all the magical creatures and the water woman, and now the army...good, suspenseful ending, now I've got to find out what happens to Pieta:)
Pieta's speech is definitely just...her, and the phrase 'queer thickness' really, to me at least, gave a clear feeling of what he sounded like. Poor Pieta, Damon can't see that he has become a savage. You used great words to describe his attitude, and the manner he used toward Pieta.
Interesting twist with all the magical creatures and the water woman, and now the army...good, suspenseful ending, now I've got to find out what happens to Pieta:)
1/20/2006 c13 Islandbreeze
Lots of good tension in this beginning, and I'm glad to hear what Laertes and Adam have say about all this...even if I did get very defensive with Evondre about Laertes questioning Pieta's loyalty after all she's gone through to keep quiet.
The description about the fire was good, and I think that Evondre's comment about Pieta being a butterfly was lovely, obviously tied back with the title, but I don't see Pieta as pink. That's too bright, a light blue or a gray more so. But that's my personal thought. As for character, I think I like, after Pieta, Laertes, because it must be hard to keep compassion when attempting to wage war and keep a kingdom under control, power is often lonely, and I think he admirably keeps his heart open to others, so I don't blame him too much for being judgemental about Pieta. Nice chapter!
Lots of good tension in this beginning, and I'm glad to hear what Laertes and Adam have say about all this...even if I did get very defensive with Evondre about Laertes questioning Pieta's loyalty after all she's gone through to keep quiet.
The description about the fire was good, and I think that Evondre's comment about Pieta being a butterfly was lovely, obviously tied back with the title, but I don't see Pieta as pink. That's too bright, a light blue or a gray more so. But that's my personal thought. As for character, I think I like, after Pieta, Laertes, because it must be hard to keep compassion when attempting to wage war and keep a kingdom under control, power is often lonely, and I think he admirably keeps his heart open to others, so I don't blame him too much for being judgemental about Pieta. Nice chapter!
1/19/2006 c8 1Clodhopper
Gah! I am so behind! This is so well written, I loved the dialogue especially. Which is different because normally I adore your details and your dialogue is average. This chapter I felt the opposite.
Mack
WE have updated if you're still interested
1ClodhopperGah! I am so behind! This is so well written, I loved the dialogue especially. Which is different because normally I adore your details and your dialogue is average. This chapter I felt the opposite.
Mack
WE have updated if you're still interested
1/16/2006 c14 17J. N. Laerasyn
Hmm, good chapter. Pieta is getting braver I see. You develpoe her character very well, and it is so moving to see her learn to be her own person.I liked how you described all the mythical creatures- my mind took me back to C. S. Lewis's descriptions in Prince Caspian when Aslan comes and awakens them all... however, this scene was also my major criticism of this chapter. You classified this as fantasy, but you never really led up to that aspect of it at all... I mean, how did Laertes get them to fight with them? Did you mean for them to have sensed the battle coming and just "all of a sudden" decide to fight for the "god guys"? Or had there been some communication going on that we readers just did'nt know about? Even if there had been some whispered conversation that some one overheard before, it would have been a little better. Something to think about...
Anyway, on the whole, good chapter. I feel the end aproaching, but are there any surprises in store?
17J. N. LaerasynHmm, good chapter. Pieta is getting braver I see. You develpoe her character very well, and it is so moving to see her learn to be her own person.I liked how you described all the mythical creatures- my mind took me back to C. S. Lewis's descriptions in Prince Caspian when Aslan comes and awakens them all... however, this scene was also my major criticism of this chapter. You classified this as fantasy, but you never really led up to that aspect of it at all... I mean, how did Laertes get them to fight with them? Did you mean for them to have sensed the battle coming and just "all of a sudden" decide to fight for the "god guys"? Or had there been some communication going on that we readers just did'nt know about? Even if there had been some whispered conversation that some one overheard before, it would have been a little better. Something to think about...
Anyway, on the whole, good chapter. I feel the end aproaching, but are there any surprises in store?
1/12/2006 c17 1rrmehta364
sorry, but I didn't quite follow the sentence, "some in accordance with the delicate music that fled through the air without intrusion. "
also, to be perfectly honest, I think the ending would be more poignant without the last paragraph.
Well, as some finaly words, I really enjoyed your writing so far. Definately some brilliant work, and with a little work could easily be published. I'm looking forward to seeing what longewr stories you come up with next, and in the meantime will review new short stories and poems, and anything else I have missed. Anyways, great job and good luck.
1rrmehta364sorry, but I didn't quite follow the sentence, "some in accordance with the delicate music that fled through the air without intrusion. "
also, to be perfectly honest, I think the ending would be more poignant without the last paragraph.
Well, as some finaly words, I really enjoyed your writing so far. Definately some brilliant work, and with a little work could easily be published. I'm looking forward to seeing what longewr stories you come up with next, and in the meantime will review new short stories and poems, and anything else I have missed. Anyways, great job and good luck.
1/8/2006 c17 31Mya von Dor
oh, that's a cute ending! I really like how you put in their wedding at the end, or mentioned it, more like. I would've never thought to do that...but yes, good story!
31Mya von Doroh, that's a cute ending! I really like how you put in their wedding at the end, or mentioned it, more like. I would've never thought to do that...but yes, good story!
1/7/2006 c17 6Count of Casualty
*wipes tear from eye* That was beautiful! I absolutely loved it! Wow... That was a very moving story! *gives standing ovation* You deserve to be proud of yourself, my friend! :D
6Count of Casualty*wipes tear from eye* That was beautiful! I absolutely loved it! Wow... That was a very moving story! *gives standing ovation* You deserve to be proud of yourself, my friend! :D
1/7/2006 c17 9ice flyer
Brava! A nice little story, touching and with a great ending. I especially liked your closing paragraph. You know, I think there is potential to expand a lot on the story - if you were so inclined - but still, it is nice the way it is. Good job, I've enjoyed reading. :)
9ice flyerBrava! A nice little story, touching and with a great ending. I especially liked your closing paragraph. You know, I think there is potential to expand a lot on the story - if you were so inclined - but still, it is nice the way it is. Good job, I've enjoyed reading. :)
1/5/2006 c16 1rrmehta364
its depressing to think this story will end soon. i dint catch any particular mistakes, however id like to warn against protracting the denoument too much.
so far, the story has struck me as very powerful, though not very broad. i mean this in the sense, the story focuses on only one story. as a result, it isn't essential to tie up every single loose end. morover, one of the strengths of your writing is that you maintain intensity through the whole plot. i think its important to keep tht same intensity till the end, and not let it fizzle. while this chpter wasn't excessive, if you keep extending the ending too much, you will face tht risk. however, great chpter again and hope to read more.
p.s- srry for being late. i was out of town for winter break. however, im back now, and intend to get back to reviewing regularly.
1rrmehta364its depressing to think this story will end soon. i dint catch any particular mistakes, however id like to warn against protracting the denoument too much.
so far, the story has struck me as very powerful, though not very broad. i mean this in the sense, the story focuses on only one story. as a result, it isn't essential to tie up every single loose end. morover, one of the strengths of your writing is that you maintain intensity through the whole plot. i think its important to keep tht same intensity till the end, and not let it fizzle. while this chpter wasn't excessive, if you keep extending the ending too much, you will face tht risk. however, great chpter again and hope to read more.
p.s- srry for being late. i was out of town for winter break. however, im back now, and intend to get back to reviewing regularly.
1/2/2006 c16 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Hi there! It's me again! Sorry for the delay, but no online access for this past one week or so. Anyway, I can really say that this story is very good from what I've seen in the past. I do find Damon dead a pity. If you don't know what I'm talking about, refer to my previous review. But anyway, guess all things will end well. And yeah, never to know that Virgil is still alive. Also like the way Adam was portrayed in this chapter as well. It really shows the compassionate side of him. I wonder what's the ending gonna be like, but I guess the ending's gonna be in the next chapter or so, huh?
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHi there! It's me again! Sorry for the delay, but no online access for this past one week or so. Anyway, I can really say that this story is very good from what I've seen in the past. I do find Damon dead a pity. If you don't know what I'm talking about, refer to my previous review. But anyway, guess all things will end well. And yeah, never to know that Virgil is still alive. Also like the way Adam was portrayed in this chapter as well. It really shows the compassionate side of him. I wonder what's the ending gonna be like, but I guess the ending's gonna be in the next chapter or so, huh?
1/1/2006 c16 6Count of Casualty
*squee* Oh man, I love this story! Oh wow... it's great! I can't believe you said you aren't good at descriptions! You were just trying to make me feel better. :P I was so surprised when I found out Pieta's love interest is still alive! That's awesome! But, I'm really sad about Erden... *cries* Such a bittersweet two chapters! (yes, this is two reviews in one, sorry, I'm lazy :P)
6Count of Casualty*squee* Oh man, I love this story! Oh wow... it's great! I can't believe you said you aren't good at descriptions! You were just trying to make me feel better. :P I was so surprised when I found out Pieta's love interest is still alive! That's awesome! But, I'm really sad about Erden... *cries* Such a bittersweet two chapters! (yes, this is two reviews in one, sorry, I'm lazy :P)
12/30/2005 c16 americankitty
Just wanted to tell you that your story is very good. Is this the last chapter, though? I really wish to see what happens to Pieta.
Just wanted to tell you that your story is very good. Is this the last chapter, though? I really wish to see what happens to Pieta.