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3/15/2006 c5 1fey lover
i like this story, very different. i like the fact that it is actually teling the villains story for a change , plz write more. i look forward to seeing what u put on paper
2/26/2006 c4 Cecilia
Hey, this is great! There's real emotion in this. I'd love to see you update it. You'll probably deal with this later in the story, but I'd like to know why she killed those people. You could, maybe, write the story before this as a seperate story? That would be really good.

You're writing style is really good, I hope to see more of it in the future!
2/14/2006 c4 5Azriim
YA! I have to say it's been sometime since you have updated this story, But I have to agree with Teecho when it come with improvemnt issues for story line. But the character description was good.
2/13/2006 c4 9Teeco
Excellent, It's about time you updated your story. This time it's better, and far easier to understand. However, it would be nice if you made the chapters flow a bit better. When finishing a chapter, it seemed that nothing had actually happened-there was no plot advancement.

Also, it felt like they were rather short, and before anything interesting happened, somebody (probably you) came along with a very large knife and hacked off the rest of it.

I found your new prologue to be the most interesting part of the story. I think it was because things actually happened, and it wasn't just a bunch of meaningless passages of time. The story is good, but it could be better. Keep writing.
12/26/2005 c1 5Azriim
Just looking through your work and I have to say that it pretty good... I liked this story alot, please continue writing this story its turning out really good.
10/18/2005 c1 9Teeco
I'm very impressed, you definitely have an inborn talent for imagery. Which is something I fail at miserably.

The story is highly intriguing, however, it is somewhat hard to follow. I would cut back on the internal dialogue a little, and focus more on the plot.

I will often plan a story, beginning to end, before I ever write it down. I can't tell whether you do this or not. Ah, if you e-mail me I can tell you more, but right now my Math 20A class is over.

You should know who I am by now.
9/5/2005 c2 E. Kaiba
This is excellent dark writing. However, I have a couple of suggestions:

You could spice up your sentence structure just a tad. Many writers (including myself) tend to fall into a pattern. Yours generally consists of "Sentence part 1, sentence part 2" with that comma in the middle. Your story flows just fine as it is but you could just add a little variety.

Also, on the topic of your sentence structure, you tend to use a lot of those dramatic one-liners. Well-used, those can come as an eye-catching explosion, but if you place them one after the other they can become a series of little pops rather than a big bang.

You have a silvery and intruiging talent for descriptions, and I suggest putting that to use in relation to the environment around Syth. I'm not saying to layer all of your writing with description about wherever she happens to be. You might just try plumping up your paragraphs a little so that your one-liners are more spaced out and show-stopping. Your descriptive talent lies in showing, not telling, and you can easily weave that into your writing without shoving long descriptions in people's faces.

I enjoyed your story quite a bit and found it drew me in. The way you describe Syth's inner pain is authentic and not phony at all and her abrupt trains of thought kept the narrations from being too Mary-Sue and angsty. Good work and I hope to see another installment soon.

(By the way, if my pen name clues you in to my identity, don't take any sort of offense at me commenting on your work. Writing is writing, no matter who wrote it, and you happen to be a talented writer looking for critique I was happy to supply. And I'm not Myka.)
8/21/2005 c1 22Neried
'Namen-whatever', don't flatter yourself. I've been hurt by more than two people in my life.No, she's not based on you. Don't be so vain as to think so.And everyone knows who you are, Myka, so why don't you use your real name?
8/19/2005 c1 7The OgeeBoogie Man
Interesting and grabbing. It is clearly inspired by D&D.

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