for Quelin's Tale10/15/2013 c72 
1DomieleDoo
This is awesome!
You have a real talent!
A-M-A-Z-I-N-G
You write like a pro, have created deep and relatable characters, and have made the plot twist and turn so well!
Great work!
:D
1DomieleDooThis is awesome!
You have a real talent!
A-M-A-Z-I-N-G
You write like a pro, have created deep and relatable characters, and have made the plot twist and turn so well!
Great work!
:D
7/13/2013 c1 DruidTora
Based on the summary(or overview-whatever), did you watch BBC's Merlin by any chance.
BTW: I LOVE YOUR WRITING!
Based on the summary(or overview-whatever), did you watch BBC's Merlin by any chance.
BTW: I LOVE YOUR WRITING!
2/13/2013 c72 Lost one
Please hurry and finish the story. I cannot wait much longer.
Please hurry and finish the story. I cannot wait much longer.
3/24/2008 c1 11Areneth
Well, I finished the first chapter. I liked it. You're writing is engaging, and the introduction is subtle but still raises many questions, which is awesome. A lot of stories start with a bang, so the fact that yours didn't start that way, and that it still dragged the reader in shows you have talent. It says you haven't updated since '06, though, so I don't know if I'll continue reading it or not. I don't want to get to the last chapter you published after reading so much, find it a complete cliff-hanger, and never see another update again.
11ArenethWell, I finished the first chapter. I liked it. You're writing is engaging, and the introduction is subtle but still raises many questions, which is awesome. A lot of stories start with a bang, so the fact that yours didn't start that way, and that it still dragged the reader in shows you have talent. It says you haven't updated since '06, though, so I don't know if I'll continue reading it or not. I don't want to get to the last chapter you published after reading so much, find it a complete cliff-hanger, and never see another update again.
12/28/2007 c1 3Lumaris
Wow - I love this ^_^ the descriptions were great, and I could vividly see and feel the scene this piece paints. I love it ^^ Quelin induces curiosity, and I like Freya's character so far. I'm curious to read more too, because this sounds like it'll go far, just from the sheer number of reviews, chappies, etc ^^
As for CC, although I don't consider myself an expert (considering how many times I have to rewrite my own work hah!) I believe some of the sentences can be split into 2. There are a lot of commas - not that it's bad to have so many, but it appears you use the comma to combine what could be 2 sentences. It makes it sometimes difficult to read. You can either split some of the sentences, or use a semi-colon " ; " to join them. Just a suggestion :) I do love your description for Quelin's eyes and his overall appearance. :D
Overall, great work! I love how the reader can literally feel/see the atmosphere being portrayed in the story. ^_^ I wanna read more later on ^_^ -adds to favorites-
~FoxyWriter
3LumarisWow - I love this ^_^ the descriptions were great, and I could vividly see and feel the scene this piece paints. I love it ^^ Quelin induces curiosity, and I like Freya's character so far. I'm curious to read more too, because this sounds like it'll go far, just from the sheer number of reviews, chappies, etc ^^
As for CC, although I don't consider myself an expert (considering how many times I have to rewrite my own work hah!) I believe some of the sentences can be split into 2. There are a lot of commas - not that it's bad to have so many, but it appears you use the comma to combine what could be 2 sentences. It makes it sometimes difficult to read. You can either split some of the sentences, or use a semi-colon " ; " to join them. Just a suggestion :) I do love your description for Quelin's eyes and his overall appearance. :D
Overall, great work! I love how the reader can literally feel/see the atmosphere being portrayed in the story. ^_^ I wanna read more later on ^_^ -adds to favorites-
~FoxyWriter
7/25/2007 c1 22effervescent-sentiments
All of my critique are merely suggestions, as I'm not an expert on any front. But, I hope you'll find some of it helpful, or at least consider changing what was confusing to an average person (aka, me!).
"In the hallway, she swung open the heavy wooden door a crack and peered out."
Is she in the hallway, or is she swinging the door open /into/ the hallway? A bit confusing. Consider rearranging the words?
"all-invading"
You used "invading" two sentences previous... thesaurus time, perhaps?
"The doctor crouched down, groaning under his breath."
Groaning under his breath? Is that possible? Hmm. Intriguing. Maybe "inaudibly" or something of the like.
"half covering a face which seemed frail and delicate"
The "seemed" is unnecessary, I think. Try "half covering a frail and delicate face" and contiue on with the sentence. Either that, or add a "now" before the original "seemed."
"which were for now," should be, "which were, for now,"
"He was breathing, but it was hard to tell, the flutterings of his chest hardly making any movement at all."
After "tell" should be a semicolon (;) not a comma.
"twisting a lock of her black hair around one finger nervously."
"her" is unnecessary. Just "a lock of black hair" will work.
"Freya paused a moment, reluctant to leave the boy alone, then mentally shook herself, and went silently out of the room."
A run-on?
"She leant forwards, pulled a log from the pile and threw it on the fire."
Leaned, not leant. Unless "leant" is a variation I was not aware of.
"It was warm, if rough, and she new how cold the stone floor would be."
Knew instead of "new."
"woollen jumper, she returned to her bedroom. She stood in the doorway, looking at the boy,"
Put a period after "jumper." Then, "returning to her bedroom, she stood in the doorway" et cetera.
Too many sentences beginning with "she." Try varying it a bit, starting with a verb, perhaps. It makes for a more interesting read.
" They were the exact reflection of the sky out her window."
Super neat! :)
It's awesome so far. Excellent. I'm intrigued to read on, although that's more because of the summary than anything else, I have to admit.
But, great job. . . I hope you'll update some of your other stories, if you ever return to FictionPress.
Julia.
22effervescent-sentimentsAll of my critique are merely suggestions, as I'm not an expert on any front. But, I hope you'll find some of it helpful, or at least consider changing what was confusing to an average person (aka, me!).
"In the hallway, she swung open the heavy wooden door a crack and peered out."
Is she in the hallway, or is she swinging the door open /into/ the hallway? A bit confusing. Consider rearranging the words?
"all-invading"
You used "invading" two sentences previous... thesaurus time, perhaps?
"The doctor crouched down, groaning under his breath."
Groaning under his breath? Is that possible? Hmm. Intriguing. Maybe "inaudibly" or something of the like.
"half covering a face which seemed frail and delicate"
The "seemed" is unnecessary, I think. Try "half covering a frail and delicate face" and contiue on with the sentence. Either that, or add a "now" before the original "seemed."
"which were for now," should be, "which were, for now,"
"He was breathing, but it was hard to tell, the flutterings of his chest hardly making any movement at all."
After "tell" should be a semicolon (;) not a comma.
"twisting a lock of her black hair around one finger nervously."
"her" is unnecessary. Just "a lock of black hair" will work.
"Freya paused a moment, reluctant to leave the boy alone, then mentally shook herself, and went silently out of the room."
A run-on?
"She leant forwards, pulled a log from the pile and threw it on the fire."
Leaned, not leant. Unless "leant" is a variation I was not aware of.
"It was warm, if rough, and she new how cold the stone floor would be."
Knew instead of "new."
"woollen jumper, she returned to her bedroom. She stood in the doorway, looking at the boy,"
Put a period after "jumper." Then, "returning to her bedroom, she stood in the doorway" et cetera.
Too many sentences beginning with "she." Try varying it a bit, starting with a verb, perhaps. It makes for a more interesting read.
" They were the exact reflection of the sky out her window."
Super neat! :)
It's awesome so far. Excellent. I'm intrigued to read on, although that's more because of the summary than anything else, I have to admit.
But, great job. . . I hope you'll update some of your other stories, if you ever return to FictionPress.
Julia.
11/8/2006 c7 12elisefey
I have suddenly realized from rereading the review I just submitted to the previous chapter that I am way too tired to be coherent while reviewing right now. Ah well, here I go...
"Jake watched her for a moment, and then finished his drink." - Wow. Jake is a daring man to finish his drink after he let Freya drink some of it while she's so sick. Germs!
Quelin shook his head. “Nothing that makes sense. Shattered images, distorted sounds, feelings. That’s all.” - Quelin sounds rather mature and older here. That's probably deliberate on your part, but in any case, I noticed it.
Somehow it feels like a bit of a jump when Freya announces that she believes she's meant to help Quelin. She just seems too coherent for someone who's supposed to be so sick even if she is proposing slightly preposterous things. And I'm still having trouble following whatever logic she is using that allows her to accept Quelin not being human so easily.
Anyway, the plot seems to be making forward progress and I'm properly awake to enjoy it, I will return to R&R some more.
12elisefeyI have suddenly realized from rereading the review I just submitted to the previous chapter that I am way too tired to be coherent while reviewing right now. Ah well, here I go...
"Jake watched her for a moment, and then finished his drink." - Wow. Jake is a daring man to finish his drink after he let Freya drink some of it while she's so sick. Germs!
Quelin shook his head. “Nothing that makes sense. Shattered images, distorted sounds, feelings. That’s all.” - Quelin sounds rather mature and older here. That's probably deliberate on your part, but in any case, I noticed it.
Somehow it feels like a bit of a jump when Freya announces that she believes she's meant to help Quelin. She just seems too coherent for someone who's supposed to be so sick even if she is proposing slightly preposterous things. And I'm still having trouble following whatever logic she is using that allows her to accept Quelin not being human so easily.
Anyway, the plot seems to be making forward progress and I'm properly awake to enjoy it, I will return to R&R some more.
11/8/2006 c6 elisefey
Alright, so I know that I said in my review response to your last review on A Siren Call that I wouldn't review this story anymore because you seemed so self-conscious about it, but the thing is that I want to know what happens and I'd feel guilty if I read this w/o reviewing it. So anyway...
“I can’t remember.” He said. - I like how simple and matter-of-fact this conversation is.
The way Freya flips on Jake when he sets her on the bed makes me think she's been pretty well traumatized before. Anyway, this illness came on Freya pretty quickly and I get the impression that it's worrying everyone. I'm kind of surprised that Jake didn't speak more to Quelin about taking care of Freya before he left to go home.
Okay, on to the next chapter!
Alright, so I know that I said in my review response to your last review on A Siren Call that I wouldn't review this story anymore because you seemed so self-conscious about it, but the thing is that I want to know what happens and I'd feel guilty if I read this w/o reviewing it. So anyway...
“I can’t remember.” He said. - I like how simple and matter-of-fact this conversation is.
The way Freya flips on Jake when he sets her on the bed makes me think she's been pretty well traumatized before. Anyway, this illness came on Freya pretty quickly and I get the impression that it's worrying everyone. I'm kind of surprised that Jake didn't speak more to Quelin about taking care of Freya before he left to go home.
Okay, on to the next chapter!
10/20/2006 c9 4boredshitless
ok, the first thing i want to point out is that i thought the doctor had already heard quelin's voice when he went to get him when freya first got sick. secondly, why does freya let issacc into her house when she knows what his gonna do? i mean, is she that stupid? im getting very worked up at the moment, because personally, i dont like weak innocent girls in stories, they just seem pathetic
4boredshitlessok, the first thing i want to point out is that i thought the doctor had already heard quelin's voice when he went to get him when freya first got sick. secondly, why does freya let issacc into her house when she knows what his gonna do? i mean, is she that stupid? im getting very worked up at the moment, because personally, i dont like weak innocent girls in stories, they just seem pathetic
9/11/2006 c72 19Rhea Valente
! ! ! !
YOU WHAT! OH MY GIDDY AUNT! JESUS CHRIST AND GOD ALMIGHTY, LENNY AND QUEE ARE RELATED TO FREYA! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLFY IS GOING ON! OH MY GOD! JESUS! WHAT! NUU! HOW! Why did Sera come to Freya's father in the first place? How? Why? WHY! WHY! TELL ME GODDAMN YOU PLINKS! AND FOR CHRISTSAKE UPDATE! ! ! ! !
19Rhea Valente! ! ! !
YOU WHAT! OH MY GIDDY AUNT! JESUS CHRIST AND GOD ALMIGHTY, LENNY AND QUEE ARE RELATED TO FREYA! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLFY IS GOING ON! OH MY GOD! JESUS! WHAT! NUU! HOW! Why did Sera come to Freya's father in the first place? How? Why? WHY! WHY! TELL ME GODDAMN YOU PLINKS! AND FOR CHRISTSAKE UPDATE! ! ! ! !
9/11/2006 c71 Rhea Valente
-_-
Awesome descriptions, though. One thing:
"He withdrew quietly, not wanting to disturb her, and returned to the camp. His thoughts returned to Freya, the way that they had been more and more frequently recently"
Uhm.. ? I dont get it? ?
Mebbe its something I'm missing.
Howcome they're back together? Did I miss something? I thought they were miles away..?
-_-
Awesome descriptions, though. One thing:
"He withdrew quietly, not wanting to disturb her, and returned to the camp. His thoughts returned to Freya, the way that they had been more and more frequently recently"
Uhm.. ? I dont get it? ?
Mebbe its something I'm missing.
Howcome they're back together? Did I miss something? I thought they were miles away..?
9/11/2006 c70 Rhea Valente
Reading.. on.. glad prophecy was explained.. lil bit confused, but, reading.. on..
Reading.. on.. glad prophecy was explained.. lil bit confused, but, reading.. on..
9/11/2006 c69 Rhea Valente
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I have a few more chappies to catch up, then I will give you a long review! ARGH!
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I have a few more chappies to catch up, then I will give you a long review! ARGH!