for Knavish6/24/2006 c2 Tea party
Yay! I love it...wheres the rest? *reaches for pant zipper* Now look at us? yeah...I'm gonna go write now...so i can expose you to my crap...ahahahahahahahha!
Yay! I love it...wheres the rest? *reaches for pant zipper* Now look at us? yeah...I'm gonna go write now...so i can expose you to my crap...ahahahahahahahha!
12/10/2005 c2 With Rhyme and Reason
This was surely better than the first chapter. Apparently, you improve as you go. I like how you describe the landscape with the "red water" and the traintracks. It sounds so desolate and horrbile, but at the same time it seems as ludicrous as something of a Dr. Seuss book. I'm a little confused as to why Fay has a dragon tail and Lackafay has a lion tail. Did this happen before the story actually started? Or did I majorly miss something. I'll go back and check. The bunny prince I find really funny. He passed out from drinking too much? I have a cute pet rabbit, but I don't think I'll be spiking his water with alcohol anytime soon. I also found your Cagims very intriguing. They're all different, it seems, but they're also all the same in that they're different (and whay am I saying? heheh). Again, I liked the "red water" and traintracks scene.
My complaints: I would prefer a lot more background information. I'm still not completely clear on whether these people are both princesses, and then there's the whole tail thing. And the reference to the king taking a Cagim's child? I hope all of this stuff will be sorted out in later chapters. If so, then good way of keeping up the suspense... if not, then, well, you know... change it.
This story is appealing. I'm not sure why. It's definitely crazy. It seems like you've thrown all of the rules out the window and created a world where absolutely anything-ANYTHING-can happen.
This was surely better than the first chapter. Apparently, you improve as you go. I like how you describe the landscape with the "red water" and the traintracks. It sounds so desolate and horrbile, but at the same time it seems as ludicrous as something of a Dr. Seuss book. I'm a little confused as to why Fay has a dragon tail and Lackafay has a lion tail. Did this happen before the story actually started? Or did I majorly miss something. I'll go back and check. The bunny prince I find really funny. He passed out from drinking too much? I have a cute pet rabbit, but I don't think I'll be spiking his water with alcohol anytime soon. I also found your Cagims very intriguing. They're all different, it seems, but they're also all the same in that they're different (and whay am I saying? heheh). Again, I liked the "red water" and traintracks scene.
My complaints: I would prefer a lot more background information. I'm still not completely clear on whether these people are both princesses, and then there's the whole tail thing. And the reference to the king taking a Cagim's child? I hope all of this stuff will be sorted out in later chapters. If so, then good way of keeping up the suspense... if not, then, well, you know... change it.
This story is appealing. I'm not sure why. It's definitely crazy. It seems like you've thrown all of the rules out the window and created a world where absolutely anything-ANYTHING-can happen.
11/8/2005 c1 With Rhyme and Reason
There's no closure. It seems that when you started this story, you might've had a novel in mind. You definitely set it up like something that would have far more than two chapters. Your characters are interesting, and more complex than most ammature writers' characters. I thought the mermaids and the flesh-eating zombies were funny, but you could've done more with them. When you create something funny, I've learned, make the episode last a VERY long time-really milk it for all you can get. In this case, I think you could've had at least a chapter all about the crazy mermaids, and the same for the zombies. You have interesting props in this story (Cherry Toenail, Baddy Spider, Icky Snake) and these things I found all quite humourous. But the were explained too briefly and placed too randomly. In conclusion, I'll say that I like the overall IDEA of your story, but you need to work on presentation. If this is indeed a short story, you should work on its construction (the more short stories you read, the better you'll be able to write them). If it's going to be a novel, I'll cheer you on. My advice: just make a decision-agree on the form you're aiming for, and do it.
There's no closure. It seems that when you started this story, you might've had a novel in mind. You definitely set it up like something that would have far more than two chapters. Your characters are interesting, and more complex than most ammature writers' characters. I thought the mermaids and the flesh-eating zombies were funny, but you could've done more with them. When you create something funny, I've learned, make the episode last a VERY long time-really milk it for all you can get. In this case, I think you could've had at least a chapter all about the crazy mermaids, and the same for the zombies. You have interesting props in this story (Cherry Toenail, Baddy Spider, Icky Snake) and these things I found all quite humourous. But the were explained too briefly and placed too randomly. In conclusion, I'll say that I like the overall IDEA of your story, but you need to work on presentation. If this is indeed a short story, you should work on its construction (the more short stories you read, the better you'll be able to write them). If it's going to be a novel, I'll cheer you on. My advice: just make a decision-agree on the form you're aiming for, and do it.
9/25/2005 c1 Zaph.he is a.yeah
Finally you get this baby up...damn you...you stole my copy! I want it back! Heh heh...I love the mermaids they be awesome. I
Finally you get this baby up...damn you...you stole my copy! I want it back! Heh heh...I love the mermaids they be awesome. I