Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Contemplation

11/29/2006 c1 Devin Brines
Solid intro. Solid ending. Between those, though, it gets a little iffy at times. The first connection, the stars winking as if they have a secret, was good, but as soon as you compared to a jack-o-lantern to the moon, I was thrown off. I saw that you made the connection, but I didn't really see what it had to do with the end of the world and all that. When you went back to the stars, I guess it was alright. I liked how you said they were sewn to the night sky as glowing beads, but I didn't see what or why shining shamelessly had to do with the end of the world. The poem would have made more sense if you had taken out everything from "Tomorrow :: the day..." to "shining shamelessly." The flow of the poem is also alright. You should be aware of how well you're flowing when you write, though. Try counting syllables. Hopefully this shit helps or whatever. Take it easy...
9/2/2005 c1 63lackluster
interesting, cause i don't want tomorrow to come. i mean, i just want to stay in neverland forever but that is not possible,

and i'm so rambling here...sorry. i love the though-provoking lines in this. amazing.
9/1/2005 c1 12eighteen hundred
I liked this. Some lines could use some work individually, but generally speaking, nice piece here.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service