for Hello Young Child4/6/2006 c1 
3votrereine
In the first stanza, the character asks a child why they are crying and hiding. I get this image of a young girl sitting in the gutter with someone older coming and talking to her. It’s as if they don’t know one another.
You further this with the “You never smile and say it’s ok”. Never indicates previous knowledge of one another. Instead of never, would ‘don’t’ be a better word?
Now, the emotionless mask bit was confusing. Wasn’t this girl just crying? Wasn’t the character telling her it was alright to do so? And suddenly her face is emotionless?
I like the repetition and makes me think that in this situation the character keeps encouraging the girl, as I see this young child, to talk to them and tell the truth. All they say is lies to hide the truth and they stare of into the distance.
In the stanza there’s the ‘You’ve hurt me you know’ and ‘I’m still by your side’ and once again I’m confused. Does this person know this girl? Because I got the impression that they had just met her. Then it goes back to the having just met idea with ‘I’ll be your friend’
PARTICULAR LINES THAT I DON'T THINK ARE RIGHT
“Hello young child who has not a name” – This line is awkward. “Hello young child without a name” is a better option
“Every word you speak you hide yourself,” This didn’t make sense to mePerhaps “With every word you speak, you hide yourself”
“But will you do that? Is the question in the end.” Awkward. Perhaps this: “But will you? It is the question in the end.” Or “’Will do you that?’ The question in the end.”
'Make the world go away with the drop of a pin' Her thoughts and eyes do this?
-
I see what you were trying to do with this but I am left confused as to whether they know each other or not. I think it would be better if they were just meeting. Some lines, outlined above, were awkward and didn’t seem to fit. Other than that it was good.
3votrereineIn the first stanza, the character asks a child why they are crying and hiding. I get this image of a young girl sitting in the gutter with someone older coming and talking to her. It’s as if they don’t know one another.
You further this with the “You never smile and say it’s ok”. Never indicates previous knowledge of one another. Instead of never, would ‘don’t’ be a better word?
Now, the emotionless mask bit was confusing. Wasn’t this girl just crying? Wasn’t the character telling her it was alright to do so? And suddenly her face is emotionless?
I like the repetition and makes me think that in this situation the character keeps encouraging the girl, as I see this young child, to talk to them and tell the truth. All they say is lies to hide the truth and they stare of into the distance.
In the stanza there’s the ‘You’ve hurt me you know’ and ‘I’m still by your side’ and once again I’m confused. Does this person know this girl? Because I got the impression that they had just met her. Then it goes back to the having just met idea with ‘I’ll be your friend’
PARTICULAR LINES THAT I DON'T THINK ARE RIGHT
“Hello young child who has not a name” – This line is awkward. “Hello young child without a name” is a better option
“Every word you speak you hide yourself,” This didn’t make sense to mePerhaps “With every word you speak, you hide yourself”
“But will you do that? Is the question in the end.” Awkward. Perhaps this: “But will you? It is the question in the end.” Or “’Will do you that?’ The question in the end.”
'Make the world go away with the drop of a pin' Her thoughts and eyes do this?
-
I see what you were trying to do with this but I am left confused as to whether they know each other or not. I think it would be better if they were just meeting. Some lines, outlined above, were awkward and didn’t seem to fit. Other than that it was good.
3/27/2006 c1 219Matthew James Current
Very nice work. Very rhythmed and powerful. Great ending and very solid throughout. The first stanza also held a lot of meaning and power to it.
219Matthew James CurrentVery nice work. Very rhythmed and powerful. Great ending and very solid throughout. The first stanza also held a lot of meaning and power to it.
3/21/2006 c1 71Kionesworld
Thank you for the review. I like this poem the most.. (I went through reading your others as well though)
I can see how people were moved to tears
71KionesworldThank you for the review. I like this poem the most.. (I went through reading your others as well though)
I can see how people were moved to tears
3/19/2006 c1 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
It has a very meaningful message. However, it did not roll of the tongue how I would like. I think the questions are a bit distracting, and take away from the general flow. Good effort, though.
It has a very meaningful message. However, it did not roll of the tongue how I would like. I think the questions are a bit distracting, and take away from the general flow. Good effort, though.
1/17/2006 c1 countryboysr10
Nicely written
Very touchy indeed.I like the thought put into the poem.
Meter a little off a ryming forced in and out a little.
But hey...who's counting?
Nicely written
Very touchy indeed.I like the thought put into the poem.
Meter a little off a ryming forced in and out a little.
But hey...who's counting?
1/16/2006 c1 119Whisper on the Lips
Ah. Interesting. It is touching. I think i shall put a link to this on my blog. well good job. WRITE ON!
ps.at the talent show my poems make some people go '...wait what?' and then they applaud.it was funny. i love bizzare reactions.
(=
119Whisper on the LipsAh. Interesting. It is touching. I think i shall put a link to this on my blog. well good job. WRITE ON!
ps.at the talent show my poems make some people go '...wait what?' and then they applaud.it was funny. i love bizzare reactions.
(=
10/3/2005 c1 46xoxContentedSolesxox
I like this one. I like the "hello young child" thing. Got some good rhyming going on. The only thing i didn't like was the end the whole but will you do that? is the question in the end. Sorry thought it just wasn't the right wording and a bit tacky. Your a good writer tho. Keep writing.
46xoxContentedSolesxoxI like this one. I like the "hello young child" thing. Got some good rhyming going on. The only thing i didn't like was the end the whole but will you do that? is the question in the end. Sorry thought it just wasn't the right wording and a bit tacky. Your a good writer tho. Keep writing.
10/2/2005 c1 katmufla
"Hello young child who has not a name""Make the world go away with the drop of a pin."
i think you could improve these two lines. the first sounds a bit awkward and the second doesn't really make much sense to me. if they're hiding from the world how could they make it go away with the drop of a pin? i don't follow i guess. but this was nice. i didn't cry...but i can see how it could affect someone it strikes a chord with. keep writing. nice job!
"Hello young child who has not a name""Make the world go away with the drop of a pin."
i think you could improve these two lines. the first sounds a bit awkward and the second doesn't really make much sense to me. if they're hiding from the world how could they make it go away with the drop of a pin? i don't follow i guess. but this was nice. i didn't cry...but i can see how it could affect someone it strikes a chord with. keep writing. nice job!
9/13/2005 c1 LeavingNow
You start to rhyme at the beginning "name, day", then stop later on. I found that it messed up my little mental reading voice. Though the VOICE is shaking its fist at you, I really liked it! ^^ Again, puncuation puncuation puncuation.
You start to rhyme at the beginning "name, day", then stop later on. I found that it messed up my little mental reading voice. Though the VOICE is shaking its fist at you, I really liked it! ^^ Again, puncuation puncuation puncuation.
9/2/2005 c1 4Tikvah Ariel
Well, I don't know much about poetry, but I figured since I've already read Dust Mote I give this one a shot.Not tear jerking, but I liked it. I thought it was odd how most of it rhymed, and then parts of it didn't, but once again, I know nothing about poetry.You've hurt me you know, but I'm still by your sideI liked that line best myself
4Tikvah ArielWell, I don't know much about poetry, but I figured since I've already read Dust Mote I give this one a shot.Not tear jerking, but I liked it. I thought it was odd how most of it rhymed, and then parts of it didn't, but once again, I know nothing about poetry.You've hurt me you know, but I'm still by your sideI liked that line best myself