for The Athaleran Chronicles: Redemption12/24/2007 c1 
11ThreeBlackRoses
Love it, but don't have time to read right now. I'll be back!
Maveari, a foreigner, a journeyman, or rather journeywoman but since that’s not a word... (laughing so hard)!
11ThreeBlackRosesLove it, but don't have time to read right now. I'll be back!
Maveari, a foreigner, a journeyman, or rather journeywoman but since that’s not a word... (laughing so hard)!
7/21/2007 c1 Bleh
Well, I couldn't really keep track of who's who, and that ended up in me skimming the last few sentences, but ANYWAY. Your style is... different. Not exactly in a bad way, but... it reminds me of Tolkien. Weird.
I have a problem with the decision your characters made at the end. To me, your Wolveneye doesn't seem much like a person to care about the two females. I'd think he'd just shrug and leave. Alone. I mean, he's a mass-murderer isn't he?
Bleh, this review is somewhat lacking in CC. It's more of me just saying what's on my mind. Which doesn't mean much. 'Cause I'm odd. Yeah. I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore.
ANYWAY. I guess my review is kinda pointless, you already done with this story and whatnot. Bleh. Who knows? You might just find this review interesting and worth the time spent. Hah. What a laugh. (Congratulations. I just wasted some of your precious time you could have spent hopelessly surfing fictionpress. Not that I meant to do that. Bleh. I should stop talking.)
Well, I couldn't really keep track of who's who, and that ended up in me skimming the last few sentences, but ANYWAY. Your style is... different. Not exactly in a bad way, but... it reminds me of Tolkien. Weird.
I have a problem with the decision your characters made at the end. To me, your Wolveneye doesn't seem much like a person to care about the two females. I'd think he'd just shrug and leave. Alone. I mean, he's a mass-murderer isn't he?
Bleh, this review is somewhat lacking in CC. It's more of me just saying what's on my mind. Which doesn't mean much. 'Cause I'm odd. Yeah. I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore.
ANYWAY. I guess my review is kinda pointless, you already done with this story and whatnot. Bleh. Who knows? You might just find this review interesting and worth the time spent. Hah. What a laugh. (Congratulations. I just wasted some of your precious time you could have spent hopelessly surfing fictionpress. Not that I meant to do that. Bleh. I should stop talking.)
4/18/2007 c1 6acriter
This looks like a good setting for the beginning of a story however, apart from the spelling mistakes already added I have one more,
"cleptomaniac" I think should be kleptomaniac as it comes from the ancient greek κλεπτω meaning "I steal".
Elps also does not seem like a natural name unless I am mispronouncing it which is quite possible or that it is a nickname of some sort.
I'm afraid once again I ran out of time, however but will check back again when I can next aquire a computer!
6acriterThis looks like a good setting for the beginning of a story however, apart from the spelling mistakes already added I have one more,
"cleptomaniac" I think should be kleptomaniac as it comes from the ancient greek κλεπτω meaning "I steal".
Elps also does not seem like a natural name unless I am mispronouncing it which is quite possible or that it is a nickname of some sort.
I'm afraid once again I ran out of time, however but will check back again when I can next aquire a computer!
1/18/2006 c3 2Cirex
As I go...
"”Hey Balgard,” Keethra said, runing up to their elderly companion." - 'runing' should be running.
”I may not neccessarily have done the right thing right,” - I think that 'neccessarily' should be 'necessarily'.
”Well, putting a seal on a mageling is progress as they seem to find me would be... bad,” - Pretty sure that 'is' should be 'in'. If not, then this sentences confuses me. :P
This reminds me of a Dungeons and Dragons adventure, or some kind of role-playing adventure. There's the team, a group of characters that are all different and skilled in different areas, and they have a quest and undergo adventures. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I love DnD (can't really find anybody to play with though) so this is neat.
I'll try to read some more later, gotta go do some homework... blaah.
2CirexAs I go...
"”Hey Balgard,” Keethra said, runing up to their elderly companion." - 'runing' should be running.
”I may not neccessarily have done the right thing right,” - I think that 'neccessarily' should be 'necessarily'.
”Well, putting a seal on a mageling is progress as they seem to find me would be... bad,” - Pretty sure that 'is' should be 'in'. If not, then this sentences confuses me. :P
This reminds me of a Dungeons and Dragons adventure, or some kind of role-playing adventure. There's the team, a group of characters that are all different and skilled in different areas, and they have a quest and undergo adventures. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I love DnD (can't really find anybody to play with though) so this is neat.
I'll try to read some more later, gotta go do some homework... blaah.
1/18/2006 c2 Cirex
”We should device some smarter way of crossing these rivers, we could easily get stuck in the mud of some larger one.” - I think Janaris meant to say 'devise' instead of 'device'.
"We’ll have a chance to lit a fire and dry boots and clothes once we get to that shack.” - You could just say that they'll dry their clothes when they light a fire. Boots are clothing, after all.
”Look, I’m no aristocrat, but I’d prefer if you wasn’t trying to pick my nose with that thing,” - Lol, I like this line. :)
"While the others were enjpying their meal and drying out by the fireplace" - 'enjpying' should be 'enjoying'.
"leaving an open, burned cadavre of the serpent." - I think 'cadavre' should be 'cadaver'.
I think that might be a language thing too, since I noticed that you spelt it 'cadavre' again later. So no problem then. :)
Well plenty of action in here. I like the term 'mudslingers', and it was neat to see Balgard, an older guy, taking it to the serpents. Again, nice development of characters.
I wonder if the Spiderwill will come into the story again later... hmm.
Keep it up :)
”We should device some smarter way of crossing these rivers, we could easily get stuck in the mud of some larger one.” - I think Janaris meant to say 'devise' instead of 'device'.
"We’ll have a chance to lit a fire and dry boots and clothes once we get to that shack.” - You could just say that they'll dry their clothes when they light a fire. Boots are clothing, after all.
”Look, I’m no aristocrat, but I’d prefer if you wasn’t trying to pick my nose with that thing,” - Lol, I like this line. :)
"While the others were enjpying their meal and drying out by the fireplace" - 'enjpying' should be 'enjoying'.
"leaving an open, burned cadavre of the serpent." - I think 'cadavre' should be 'cadaver'.
I think that might be a language thing too, since I noticed that you spelt it 'cadavre' again later. So no problem then. :)
Well plenty of action in here. I like the term 'mudslingers', and it was neat to see Balgard, an older guy, taking it to the serpents. Again, nice development of characters.
I wonder if the Spiderwill will come into the story again later... hmm.
Keep it up :)
1/18/2006 c1 Cirex
Hiya, sorry it took me awhile to get into this. A good first chapter here, I like the character development of the six rogues. And I can already see that your world is quite developed (as usual) so I like that. :D "Everwatch, the Northern Lands, Hallwood".
Here's my critiques. Most of'em are just spelling things, so no big deal.
"A fairly small wooden hatch was in the bakc of it, and someone was looking out of a small window." - 'bakc' should be 'back'.
"...until finally reaching the wide shoudlers..." - 'shoudlers' should be 'shoulders'.
"An inch-long beard pointed straight out from his chin, it was cupperlike, even more so than some would consider polished cupper." - I'm pretty sure that 'cupper' should be 'copper', unless that's a language difference between us. In that case, ignore it. :P
"Maveari, a foreigner, a journeyman, or rather journeywoman but since that’s not a word..." - I dunno, this just seems awkward. You could just say that she was a wanderer, a vagrant, or something like that.
"trying to keep Marrack Wolveneye from going berzerk." - This might be another language difference, but I think that 'berzerk' ought to be 'berserk'.
"...far more heoric appearance than in the containment they had just been in." - 'heoric' should be 'heroic'.
”Their lieutenant is hardly going to let us present out case if we’ve broken free,” - 'out' should be 'our'.
Reading on now...
Hiya, sorry it took me awhile to get into this. A good first chapter here, I like the character development of the six rogues. And I can already see that your world is quite developed (as usual) so I like that. :D "Everwatch, the Northern Lands, Hallwood".
Here's my critiques. Most of'em are just spelling things, so no big deal.
"A fairly small wooden hatch was in the bakc of it, and someone was looking out of a small window." - 'bakc' should be 'back'.
"...until finally reaching the wide shoudlers..." - 'shoudlers' should be 'shoulders'.
"An inch-long beard pointed straight out from his chin, it was cupperlike, even more so than some would consider polished cupper." - I'm pretty sure that 'cupper' should be 'copper', unless that's a language difference between us. In that case, ignore it. :P
"Maveari, a foreigner, a journeyman, or rather journeywoman but since that’s not a word..." - I dunno, this just seems awkward. You could just say that she was a wanderer, a vagrant, or something like that.
"trying to keep Marrack Wolveneye from going berzerk." - This might be another language difference, but I think that 'berzerk' ought to be 'berserk'.
"...far more heoric appearance than in the containment they had just been in." - 'heoric' should be 'heroic'.
”Their lieutenant is hardly going to let us present out case if we’ve broken free,” - 'out' should be 'our'.
Reading on now...
12/26/2005 c3 Arkash
CC: correction suggestions are in square brackets.
"The silence was total, with the [occasional] odd click echoing..."
"The serpents could easily [have made breakfast of us]."
"Balgard can probably [design] some..."
Interesting chapter with character conflicts.
Good job! *_*
CC: correction suggestions are in square brackets.
"The silence was total, with the [occasional] odd click echoing..."
"The serpents could easily [have made breakfast of us]."
"Balgard can probably [design] some..."
Interesting chapter with character conflicts.
Good job! *_*
12/4/2005 c16 1Lady-Hitokiri
You presented a good layout and description of the city and the castle itself as well. The wanted criminal posters were a nice touch to remind us that it these characters are seen as dangerous. The flags were a neat touch to the castle. There's more, but I'm tired. Let's just say that it was done very well.
And I'm glad that the King is just, understanding and that he has let all of them live. But, I wonder why he let Marrack live when he saw Janaris' weapon. Hm...very interesting.
And to answer Maveari's question: No, this isn't the end. :PI must say that this has taken me a while to read, but I've loved every second of it. I'll be looking forward to what's to come. Continue to keep up the good work.
1Lady-HitokiriYou presented a good layout and description of the city and the castle itself as well. The wanted criminal posters were a nice touch to remind us that it these characters are seen as dangerous. The flags were a neat touch to the castle. There's more, but I'm tired. Let's just say that it was done very well.
And I'm glad that the King is just, understanding and that he has let all of them live. But, I wonder why he let Marrack live when he saw Janaris' weapon. Hm...very interesting.
And to answer Maveari's question: No, this isn't the end. :PI must say that this has taken me a while to read, but I've loved every second of it. I'll be looking forward to what's to come. Continue to keep up the good work.
12/4/2005 c15 Lady-Hitokiri
Thankfully they all got back together, but not for long. Janaris is missing once again. And plus...
I was totally not expecting poor Elps to be killed! I certainly thought that Janaris would defeat Blatma and once the others arrived, the battle would end quickly. I have to say that it's a nice element of surprise though. But man, it's all so sad...
There was a lot of intensity in this chapter. With our main characters trying to get to the Castle and warn the King, and also trying to just stay alive. This chapter was well done.
Wow, only one more chapter to go. It doesn't really seem like it. I must finish this up.
Thankfully they all got back together, but not for long. Janaris is missing once again. And plus...
I was totally not expecting poor Elps to be killed! I certainly thought that Janaris would defeat Blatma and once the others arrived, the battle would end quickly. I have to say that it's a nice element of surprise though. But man, it's all so sad...
There was a lot of intensity in this chapter. With our main characters trying to get to the Castle and warn the King, and also trying to just stay alive. This chapter was well done.
Wow, only one more chapter to go. It doesn't really seem like it. I must finish this up.
12/4/2005 c14 Lady-Hitokiri
Woo- what a great chapter. The cave and water-related description was very imaginative and well-written. Very interesting story with the Bzechayil fire, also. It's nice to get background info on things sometimes.
Nice bit of action with the tentacles coming out of the wall. At least that wasn't too much of a challenge for them. :)
Now that they've reunited with Janaris, it's only a matter of time before they join up again with Maveari and Elps.
Onward to the next chapter!
Woo- what a great chapter. The cave and water-related description was very imaginative and well-written. Very interesting story with the Bzechayil fire, also. It's nice to get background info on things sometimes.
Nice bit of action with the tentacles coming out of the wall. At least that wasn't too much of a challenge for them. :)
Now that they've reunited with Janaris, it's only a matter of time before they join up again with Maveari and Elps.
Onward to the next chapter!
12/1/2005 c13 Lady-Hitokiri
It was nice to hear about Maveari and Elps' families and past. The conversion between the two of them was good...sweet. Although it took him a little while to actually admit it. He was beating around the bush a bit. It was a nice moment with them though. :P
I liked the eerie air about how those eyes were watching them and then closing up. I hope they can find Janaris too. I'm sure she's alright though. :) This chapter went by smoothly. Very good.
Oh, and I should have enough time this weekend to finish up the last few chapters.
It was nice to hear about Maveari and Elps' families and past. The conversion between the two of them was good...sweet. Although it took him a little while to actually admit it. He was beating around the bush a bit. It was a nice moment with them though. :P
I liked the eerie air about how those eyes were watching them and then closing up. I hope they can find Janaris too. I'm sure she's alright though. :) This chapter went by smoothly. Very good.
Oh, and I should have enough time this weekend to finish up the last few chapters.
11/30/2005 c12 Lady-Hitokiri
It was pretty neat how Keethra was being 'brought' there by magic, not her own will. It kind of shows more about how we can't always make all our own decisions. Actually, it's more scary than neat when I think about it. .
Oh, it seems like you're also addressing the weather, but in a little different way. It makes sense, having them go through bad weather while facing evil. Heh.. mud = bad.:P
Nice choice of creatures too...I don't think I've ever read about a horseshoe scorpion-like pest before. And the skinwings too...The few spats here and there between Marrack and Balgard made me laugh. They seem to be a bit snippy towards one another at times, but all in good fun.
Lot's of nice imaginative stuff here- talking statue and alien-like pods and the like. This chapter seemed to end a bit strangely. I don't know...it just sort of seemed like the wrong part to end it at, the way it's all worded. But that's just me. Great chapter nonetheless. You're certainly right about things getting creepier and exciting. :) I'm looking forward to reading more as I close in on the 'end'. Only four more chapters left. But at least I know there'll be a sequel. Like, for example, I didn't want Compulsion to end. But obviously, all stories have to end eventually.
Gah! Another long review. I always do that...
It was pretty neat how Keethra was being 'brought' there by magic, not her own will. It kind of shows more about how we can't always make all our own decisions. Actually, it's more scary than neat when I think about it. .
Oh, it seems like you're also addressing the weather, but in a little different way. It makes sense, having them go through bad weather while facing evil. Heh.. mud = bad.:P
Nice choice of creatures too...I don't think I've ever read about a horseshoe scorpion-like pest before. And the skinwings too...The few spats here and there between Marrack and Balgard made me laugh. They seem to be a bit snippy towards one another at times, but all in good fun.
Lot's of nice imaginative stuff here- talking statue and alien-like pods and the like. This chapter seemed to end a bit strangely. I don't know...it just sort of seemed like the wrong part to end it at, the way it's all worded. But that's just me. Great chapter nonetheless. You're certainly right about things getting creepier and exciting. :) I'm looking forward to reading more as I close in on the 'end'. Only four more chapters left. But at least I know there'll be a sequel. Like, for example, I didn't want Compulsion to end. But obviously, all stories have to end eventually.
Gah! Another long review. I always do that...
11/27/2005 c11 Lady-Hitokiri
Great description of their surroundings, like the sun-scorched ground and all. The eye moving without them noticing added to the curiosity that I have.
I was interested when you brought up the conversation with Elps and Maveari, with Janaris listening. They make it seem like they all really shouldn't be punished but she seems like the only one who did her crimes on purpose. Hm...I wonder if there's more to the bridge than it seems, since Janaris seemed to take notice of it. Is the city 'alive'?
I wonder why the city is so empty? Whoa- too bad Janaris fell... and now what does Elps have to face? It seems like either ghosts or the hieroglyphs/bricks are somehow alive...
Neat stuff going on here. :)Well, I didn't get as much reading done as I would've liked. Oh well. I will try to read more when I have the time.
Great description of their surroundings, like the sun-scorched ground and all. The eye moving without them noticing added to the curiosity that I have.
I was interested when you brought up the conversation with Elps and Maveari, with Janaris listening. They make it seem like they all really shouldn't be punished but she seems like the only one who did her crimes on purpose. Hm...I wonder if there's more to the bridge than it seems, since Janaris seemed to take notice of it. Is the city 'alive'?
I wonder why the city is so empty? Whoa- too bad Janaris fell... and now what does Elps have to face? It seems like either ghosts or the hieroglyphs/bricks are somehow alive...
Neat stuff going on here. :)Well, I didn't get as much reading done as I would've liked. Oh well. I will try to read more when I have the time.
11/27/2005 c2 Arkash
Nice chapter.
I like the spitting snakes, and especially that they're not just ordinary snakes.
Cool magic by Keethra.
Good job. *_*
Nice chapter.
I like the spitting snakes, and especially that they're not just ordinary snakes.
Cool magic by Keethra.
Good job. *_*
11/26/2005 c10 Lady-Hitokiri
It's nice to see that Xelnidji has agreed to join the group on their little journey. And I'm glad the curses are lifted. Nice questions that are given to the reader as well. I'm wondering where Keethra is and what happened to her. I'm also wondering if/when the two separated groups will meet up again. Hopefully they will. :) Heh, great ending to this chapter. It made me chuckle.
Another nice chapter to read. I have no complaints to be made, which is good. Your stories are some of the few which I can enjoy reading without having to make many comments about things that I didn't like in it.
Well, let's see. The next chapter of Ebbarria is coming along nicely, it'll be out soon. And I'm planning on finishing up reading this story tomorrow. See you next chapter. :)
It's nice to see that Xelnidji has agreed to join the group on their little journey. And I'm glad the curses are lifted. Nice questions that are given to the reader as well. I'm wondering where Keethra is and what happened to her. I'm also wondering if/when the two separated groups will meet up again. Hopefully they will. :) Heh, great ending to this chapter. It made me chuckle.
Another nice chapter to read. I have no complaints to be made, which is good. Your stories are some of the few which I can enjoy reading without having to make many comments about things that I didn't like in it.
Well, let's see. The next chapter of Ebbarria is coming along nicely, it'll be out soon. And I'm planning on finishing up reading this story tomorrow. See you next chapter. :)