for I won't let you keep me down like this forever1/10/2006 c3 
1Infinite Abyss
You keep switching tenses again. Write in just one tense.
"'yeah you are' I walked out of the bathroom and to the guest room." "Yeah" should be capitalized and there should be a period after "are."
Jackass: The Movie and Donnie Darko should be in itlalics. Donnie Darko is by the way, one of the greatest films ever made. I love the reference to it.
Anyway, good job. I liked this chapter a lot. Keep writing.
1Infinite AbyssYou keep switching tenses again. Write in just one tense.
"'yeah you are' I walked out of the bathroom and to the guest room." "Yeah" should be capitalized and there should be a period after "are."
Jackass: The Movie and Donnie Darko should be in itlalics. Donnie Darko is by the way, one of the greatest films ever made. I love the reference to it.
Anyway, good job. I liked this chapter a lot. Keep writing.
1/10/2006 c2 Infinite Abyss
Good chapter again. However, you seemed to have forgotten punctuation when it comes to quotes. For instance, "Its Paul. You told me to call you today, so here I am" he said shyly. There should be a comma after "am."
I also found it kind of confusing how some sentences were bunched together while others weren't.
Anyway, good chapter. I'll read the next one.
Good chapter again. However, you seemed to have forgotten punctuation when it comes to quotes. For instance, "Its Paul. You told me to call you today, so here I am" he said shyly. There should be a comma after "am."
I also found it kind of confusing how some sentences were bunched together while others weren't.
Anyway, good chapter. I'll read the next one.
1/10/2006 c1 Infinite Abyss
Good start. The first and second paragraphs are a little long though. I think you can divide them up into at least two paragraphs or more.
You also changed tenses a couple of times. For example, "I walk slowly to the stadium and walked in, I have connects with the usher." And do you mean "connections"?
"The headlight lights showed his face that he was really scared." I think that sentence could be phrased better.
"We has totally understood each other and loved each other." "Has" is unnecessarily in there.
Other than these few things, I can't really find anything wrong with this story. Good job so far and I'll continue reading.
Good start. The first and second paragraphs are a little long though. I think you can divide them up into at least two paragraphs or more.
You also changed tenses a couple of times. For example, "I walk slowly to the stadium and walked in, I have connects with the usher." And do you mean "connections"?
"The headlight lights showed his face that he was really scared." I think that sentence could be phrased better.
"We has totally understood each other and loved each other." "Has" is unnecessarily in there.
Other than these few things, I can't really find anything wrong with this story. Good job so far and I'll continue reading.