for Betrayal9/29/2005 c1 
6LollipopMeems
I thought this was very good-incredibly atmospheric. I would like to know more about this woman, and her somewhat cryptic line of dialogue at the end of the piece. My only problem was that the description of the man in the picture (Tony?). Very few people are physically perfect, and the line 'His jaw line wasn’t strong but not weak either.' felt rather weak there, although I can see how speaking about things like the jaw line and the eyebrows can work in this case. (I liked 'His eyebrows were subtle but could be used to make the ladies swoon' particularly). Also, there were one or two spelling mistakes (hansom?)and times when using a different word would have added more to the atmosphere. However, I found the piece, as I have said, very atmospheric, especially the line at the start about 'The scratch of the pencil'. I would really like to hear more of this (so long as it isn't two adult-I've been rather iffy about darker themes recently) and am itching to find out why this woman apparently wants to kill the man she spent so long drawing.Hope you keep writing this, and good luck!
6LollipopMeemsI thought this was very good-incredibly atmospheric. I would like to know more about this woman, and her somewhat cryptic line of dialogue at the end of the piece. My only problem was that the description of the man in the picture (Tony?). Very few people are physically perfect, and the line 'His jaw line wasn’t strong but not weak either.' felt rather weak there, although I can see how speaking about things like the jaw line and the eyebrows can work in this case. (I liked 'His eyebrows were subtle but could be used to make the ladies swoon' particularly). Also, there were one or two spelling mistakes (hansom?)and times when using a different word would have added more to the atmosphere. However, I found the piece, as I have said, very atmospheric, especially the line at the start about 'The scratch of the pencil'. I would really like to hear more of this (so long as it isn't two adult-I've been rather iffy about darker themes recently) and am itching to find out why this woman apparently wants to kill the man she spent so long drawing.Hope you keep writing this, and good luck!
9/29/2005 c1 12Lccorp2
Harr.
Archdemon Lord Duffikus:
You see, mortal, the problem with the thing is that you're not letting me, or any other reader in on anything. It's just a beginning. ALL beginnings have potential, so I would be lying if I said it couldn't become something.
But before you even start on the sroty, please start polishing up a few things...
You have a LOT of what my creator's ethnicity call "Chuo bie zhi" or literally, "wrong other word". That's when you use other words in place of what should be in. Spellcheckers do NOT get those. Do NOT rely on spellcheckers...proofread again and again and again and so forth...I learnt this the hard way, the early bits and pieces of my writing are littered with such errors.
And to that grammatical errors, and you seriously interrupt the flow. Commas, hyphens and the such are MISSING. While I may be forgiving, there are nitpicky people out there who will simply STOP READING. Yes, it's true.
Let me just rewrite the first paragraph for you, to give you an example. I don't claim to be a literary genius, but...
"Inside the candle-lit room, her breathing was the only audible sound apart from the scratch of the pencil. Shadows danced over her delicate skin as the candlelight shone in her eyes, bub despite that they did not waver from their task. Hanging from her brow was a lock of brown hair, the rest being carefully tied back in a tight bun at the nape of her neck. Covered by her dark trench coat, her build was slight, (insert additional description here.)"
So what did my demonic fingers correct?
1. Sentence openers. In the original one, ALL the sentences started with nouns. While this may be okay for a novice, I'm sure you aim further than that. As you can see, I've used prepositions (Inside), nouns (shadows), Verbs (hanging) and -ed words (covered) of course, there's always more, like because, when/while, and adjectives.
2. I fixed the syntax. Some sentences seemed out of place, breaking the flow. As a result, I simply joined them up.
3. Grammar. Added needed punctuation.
Please. As with your stories, you have potential. It would be sad if you don't join my collection of authors on the Demonic Planes...
12Lccorp2Harr.
Archdemon Lord Duffikus:
You see, mortal, the problem with the thing is that you're not letting me, or any other reader in on anything. It's just a beginning. ALL beginnings have potential, so I would be lying if I said it couldn't become something.
But before you even start on the sroty, please start polishing up a few things...
You have a LOT of what my creator's ethnicity call "Chuo bie zhi" or literally, "wrong other word". That's when you use other words in place of what should be in. Spellcheckers do NOT get those. Do NOT rely on spellcheckers...proofread again and again and again and so forth...I learnt this the hard way, the early bits and pieces of my writing are littered with such errors.
And to that grammatical errors, and you seriously interrupt the flow. Commas, hyphens and the such are MISSING. While I may be forgiving, there are nitpicky people out there who will simply STOP READING. Yes, it's true.
Let me just rewrite the first paragraph for you, to give you an example. I don't claim to be a literary genius, but...
"Inside the candle-lit room, her breathing was the only audible sound apart from the scratch of the pencil. Shadows danced over her delicate skin as the candlelight shone in her eyes, bub despite that they did not waver from their task. Hanging from her brow was a lock of brown hair, the rest being carefully tied back in a tight bun at the nape of her neck. Covered by her dark trench coat, her build was slight, (insert additional description here.)"
So what did my demonic fingers correct?
1. Sentence openers. In the original one, ALL the sentences started with nouns. While this may be okay for a novice, I'm sure you aim further than that. As you can see, I've used prepositions (Inside), nouns (shadows), Verbs (hanging) and -ed words (covered) of course, there's always more, like because, when/while, and adjectives.
2. I fixed the syntax. Some sentences seemed out of place, breaking the flow. As a result, I simply joined them up.
3. Grammar. Added needed punctuation.
Please. As with your stories, you have potential. It would be sad if you don't join my collection of authors on the Demonic Planes...
9/29/2005 c1 zakei
continue! why should you not? its a very good start and there are already hints of a good plot. ie focused, skill in drawing, hatred blah blah these all make good conflict, which in turn make a good story. please do continue! please oh please!
continue! why should you not? its a very good start and there are already hints of a good plot. ie focused, skill in drawing, hatred blah blah these all make good conflict, which in turn make a good story. please do continue! please oh please!