for Charms and Curses6/4/2011 c27 
24Elennar
I somehow don't really like the addition of Tolouse to the story- at this point, at least, I find him really random, and doesn't add anything to the story.
I liked the fact that you had Karen kidnapped because tense plot points are always good!
24ElennarI somehow don't really like the addition of Tolouse to the story- at this point, at least, I find him really random, and doesn't add anything to the story.
I liked the fact that you had Karen kidnapped because tense plot points are always good!
6/4/2011 c26 Elennar
Wow, so you had Dawn sleep with Rhian? I really liked you doing that because that'll really bring up the delicious complexity of this story- way to go!
I also found this: "There was a bit redder than there was before. It"
This sentence doesn't make any sense, so that threw me for a bit. Was it FP goofing up?
Wow, so you had Dawn sleep with Rhian? I really liked you doing that because that'll really bring up the delicious complexity of this story- way to go!
I also found this: "There was a bit redder than there was before. It"
This sentence doesn't make any sense, so that threw me for a bit. Was it FP goofing up?
6/4/2011 c25 Elennar
I really liked the Twister Mat scene because it was extremely well written.
I also really liked the feel of the entire chapter because it was all basically feel good and upbeat- especially the last scene!
I really liked the Twister Mat scene because it was extremely well written.
I also really liked the feel of the entire chapter because it was all basically feel good and upbeat- especially the last scene!
6/4/2011 c24 Elennar
I really liked the way you wove in Jazz's real name, the form of his familiar and the drag costume he ended up with: really funny and hilarious, to the point it got me laughing and wolf whistling!
I also liked Jazz's little monologue when he kept wishing Tolouse and him weren't related because it was a great way to bring home as to how EXTENSIVE witch families in your story are!
I really liked the way you wove in Jazz's real name, the form of his familiar and the drag costume he ended up with: really funny and hilarious, to the point it got me laughing and wolf whistling!
I also liked Jazz's little monologue when he kept wishing Tolouse and him weren't related because it was a great way to bring home as to how EXTENSIVE witch families in your story are!
6/4/2011 c23 Elennar
I loved the little 'seduction' routine that Shasta had got going, because it was really well described and uh, sexy. XD
The entire first scene too, with Shasta's little monologue was great because of the humour involved- had me laughing out loud the entire time!
I loved the little 'seduction' routine that Shasta had got going, because it was really well described and uh, sexy. XD
The entire first scene too, with Shasta's little monologue was great because of the humour involved- had me laughing out loud the entire time!
6/4/2011 c22 Elennar
I loved the little scene with Rhian, because of the subtle sense of foreshadowing and mystery that you put in.
I also really liked the idea of the costume party: well, because I love some colour in the characters/families I read about. Cross dressing parties- booyah!
I loved the little scene with Rhian, because of the subtle sense of foreshadowing and mystery that you put in.
I also really liked the idea of the costume party: well, because I love some colour in the characters/families I read about. Cross dressing parties- booyah!
6/4/2011 c21 Elennar
Found a typo: Shastas says, "And why praytell...". That's supposed to be 'pray tell'- it's a small thing, but the little mistakes (or FP glitches, idk) can severely detract your readers from the story.
I also really liked Titana's grand entrance: it immediately gave me a GREAT visual, and I could picture exactly what she looked like! Goood job with that!
Found a typo: Shastas says, "And why praytell...". That's supposed to be 'pray tell'- it's a small thing, but the little mistakes (or FP glitches, idk) can severely detract your readers from the story.
I also really liked Titana's grand entrance: it immediately gave me a GREAT visual, and I could picture exactly what she looked like! Goood job with that!
6/4/2011 c20 Elennar
I really didn't like the fact that Shasta was utterly clueless about Chad and Dawn's relationship because I found it rather hard to stomach that Shasta wouldn't be able to put two and two together, you know? You don't go around tattooing names of friends or families on your hip, do you?
I liked the first scene with Shasta's perspective because you had the blindness part pretty convincingly written- it didn't sound forced in the least.
I really didn't like the fact that Shasta was utterly clueless about Chad and Dawn's relationship because I found it rather hard to stomach that Shasta wouldn't be able to put two and two together, you know? You don't go around tattooing names of friends or families on your hip, do you?
I liked the first scene with Shasta's perspective because you had the blindness part pretty convincingly written- it didn't sound forced in the least.
6/4/2011 c19 Elennar
I liked how the heavy scene with Jazz explaining Dimitri and Shasta's history gave way to the spectacularly enjoyable last scene with Jazz- if this were a movie, I'd be wolf whistling! I liked how seamlessly the two seemingly incongruent scenes blended into each other
Found what I believe is a typo: "Shasta'll get P. if I tell you everything"
Shouldn't that be "Shasta'll get pissed/peeved"?
I liked how the heavy scene with Jazz explaining Dimitri and Shasta's history gave way to the spectacularly enjoyable last scene with Jazz- if this were a movie, I'd be wolf whistling! I liked how seamlessly the two seemingly incongruent scenes blended into each other
Found what I believe is a typo: "Shasta'll get P. if I tell you everything"
Shouldn't that be "Shasta'll get pissed/peeved"?
6/4/2011 c18 Elennar
"One of these days, Shasta, one of these days I'm gonna give your brother the best ass-kicking he's ever gotten," threatened Jazz, crossing his arms tightly against his chest again and sneering. His cousin smirked lightly.
I didn't like the use of 'and sneering' because Jazz isn't sneering in this case, he's threatening.
"Nikko thinks Shasta should tell Dawn what's going on," murmured the familiar, drawing circles with his finger on Shasta's knee. He had taken off his cowboy hat and set it on the coffee table. It was filled to the brim with money. We were in a private lounge room, somewhere in the back. It was nice and cozy.
I also didn't like the last two sentences that got tacked on at the end of the paragraph because it doesn't make any sense after Nikko's dialogue.
Why not place it somewhere else, perhaps towards the chapter opening?
"One of these days, Shasta, one of these days I'm gonna give your brother the best ass-kicking he's ever gotten," threatened Jazz, crossing his arms tightly against his chest again and sneering. His cousin smirked lightly.
I didn't like the use of 'and sneering' because Jazz isn't sneering in this case, he's threatening.
"Nikko thinks Shasta should tell Dawn what's going on," murmured the familiar, drawing circles with his finger on Shasta's knee. He had taken off his cowboy hat and set it on the coffee table. It was filled to the brim with money. We were in a private lounge room, somewhere in the back. It was nice and cozy.
I also didn't like the last two sentences that got tacked on at the end of the paragraph because it doesn't make any sense after Nikko's dialogue.
Why not place it somewhere else, perhaps towards the chapter opening?
6/4/2011 c17 Elennar
I think the formatting of this line, "A pair of black ones. He then attacked the dressing rooms and yanked out a pair of matching cowboy boots, a spandex black shirt, and a nice cowboy hat," he said with a complacent smirk. I just gawked and took a step back.
should be changed to this:
"A pair of black ones. He then attacked the dressing rooms and yanked out a pair of matching cowboy boots, a spandex black shirt, and a nice cowboy hat," he said with a complacent smirk.
I just gawked and took a step back.
This is because, the last action is by Shiesta, not Jazz- and each character's dialogue and action warrants its own paragraph, otherwise, you end up confusing your readers.
I also liked the flirting going on from Dawn's end: because it was nice to see the guy all pro-active for once. It was a good development for him, as a character.
I think the formatting of this line, "A pair of black ones. He then attacked the dressing rooms and yanked out a pair of matching cowboy boots, a spandex black shirt, and a nice cowboy hat," he said with a complacent smirk. I just gawked and took a step back.
should be changed to this:
"A pair of black ones. He then attacked the dressing rooms and yanked out a pair of matching cowboy boots, a spandex black shirt, and a nice cowboy hat," he said with a complacent smirk.
I just gawked and took a step back.
This is because, the last action is by Shiesta, not Jazz- and each character's dialogue and action warrants its own paragraph, otherwise, you end up confusing your readers.
I also liked the flirting going on from Dawn's end: because it was nice to see the guy all pro-active for once. It was a good development for him, as a character.
6/3/2011 c16 Elennar
I loved the exchange between Shasta and Rhian because of the angst and the conflict his antagonistic relationship with his brother is sure to bring!
Now, I found a typo in the line: "It's wild, wild birthday suit". There should be an 'a' after the 'it's'.
I loved the exchange between Shasta and Rhian because of the angst and the conflict his antagonistic relationship with his brother is sure to bring!
Now, I found a typo in the line: "It's wild, wild birthday suit". There should be an 'a' after the 'it's'.
6/3/2011 c15 Elennar
I really liked the way Shasta wore flip flops beneath his robes; uhm, I mean WITH his robes- it was just so, Sashta; and it's great when a character becomes predictable like that because it means they're that much more 'real' to me.
I also liked the scene with Dawn mothering all over the abandoned puppy- it was cute, and I also smell a plot device!
I really liked the way Shasta wore flip flops beneath his robes; uhm, I mean WITH his robes- it was just so, Sashta; and it's great when a character becomes predictable like that because it means they're that much more 'real' to me.
I also liked the scene with Dawn mothering all over the abandoned puppy- it was cute, and I also smell a plot device!
6/3/2011 c14 Elennar
First off, I have to say that you put in an excellent flashback, telling us a lot about Dmitri's and Shasta's history- I liked that added layer to an already complex back-story.
However, I have to make a complaint: reading through, I realised the only way you can make out the difference between Shasta and Dawn's narrative is that the latter is a lisp; and if it's not that, it's by context alone. The reason why I don't like that is because, to me, it seems like lazy writing. If you want to do multiple 1st person narrative, make sure each character has a distinct voice and speech pattern. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.
First off, I have to say that you put in an excellent flashback, telling us a lot about Dmitri's and Shasta's history- I liked that added layer to an already complex back-story.
However, I have to make a complaint: reading through, I realised the only way you can make out the difference between Shasta and Dawn's narrative is that the latter is a lisp; and if it's not that, it's by context alone. The reason why I don't like that is because, to me, it seems like lazy writing. If you want to do multiple 1st person narrative, make sure each character has a distinct voice and speech pattern. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.
6/3/2011 c13 Elennar
I suppose I basically have the same complaint to make like the previous chapter: change in narrative style. This time, it's worse, because this is the first instance of a switch from 1st person to 3rd, and that TOTALLY is a big no-no.
On the other hand, I liked the budding dysfunctional relationship between Justinian and Dmitri because of the little shades of gray that you've added in, instead of making them stereotypically evil.
I suppose I basically have the same complaint to make like the previous chapter: change in narrative style. This time, it's worse, because this is the first instance of a switch from 1st person to 3rd, and that TOTALLY is a big no-no.
On the other hand, I liked the budding dysfunctional relationship between Justinian and Dmitri because of the little shades of gray that you've added in, instead of making them stereotypically evil.