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for Rise of the Flame

9/7/2006 c5 9Alteng
I have been on vacation and worked to death around it. Let's put it this way, I've got a suntan now. I had fun!

Anyway, to the chapter. . .

Poor Drelen. She is really going to have issues isn't she, and there is a lot of intrigue going on here. She is a well sought after woman, and no telling what she will learn from these new books.

And Rithard is not as lacking common sense as some of my characters!.
6/28/2006 c1 NOT ON FICTIONPRESS
Hey this is Lacy (piece.of.me) is my other name...just wondering when you're going to update this anymore and wondering if you would review one of my stories
3/2/2006 c2 Arkash
Hi, sorry for the long hiatus between reviews.

Square brackets are corrections and suggestions.

".., the world appeared as if covered [by] a spraying of blood."

"..; nothing appeared to protent the enormous [shift].."

".., temporarily ignoring [that] she herself belonged to that race,..."

"He had been so nice on the voyage,.." you have an extra 'to' in there, or missing 'her'.

Nice scene, showing Lyliaene at the Hold.

And the bickering of Kiri and Yyille sounds real. More like rivalry.

Cae is the Cindarella of the family.

Another nice chapter. Keep up the good work. *_*
2/15/2006 c4 2Cirex
More characters. :) Interesting, interesting. I guess this is all "setting the stage" for later, huh.

Well anyway, good stuff as usual. I could identify with Drelen's confidence problems, I have that sometimes. And I like the term Cloudsmagi. :)

And the Bentuk-Karr mountains... ah! I see a connection here with Kiri. :)

Anyway, I did not notice anything grammar/spelling-wise, so it looked good to me.
2/13/2006 c1 Arkash
I love this prophecy that you put into a beutiful poem.

CC: The point of view is jumping from the Skydream in the second paragraph to Mendrigin's in the sixth paragraph. This is counted after the poem.

CC: "There was a fearful murmur begun..." I would change this to: A fearful murmur began, or had begun.

A gripping beginning for an interesting story. Good job! *_*
1/30/2006 c4 1rrmehta364
I already like Drelen and I've only read the first chapter.

I think you put the words, “BaronLord" together.

Great chapter and I'm looking forward to reading more.
1/27/2006 c4 9Alteng
Okay, that was intersting. You are doing what I often do in introdcuing so many characters. Uh . . . brain overload. I still like the darker folks though, and I do look forward to you drawing these guys together.

Poor Derek. I have characters who are none too fond of cold climates too. Oh well!
1/27/2006 c3 Alteng
I like the Dark Mage at the beginning of this cahpter. I hope he keeps popping up. he kind of reminds me of one of my wizard characters, but he wouldn't keep a slave. They tend to get in the way.

You did well with the weaving of this chapter down the line. That worked well with the mage, then the queen, then the winged folks.

Drelen and Kee make for an interesting pair. I have a character in Fall of Sagamore, who is a descent wizard, but he is murder with the broad sword. That I liked too.

You do have a problem with slipping into the 2nd person ('You'). You can use the pronoun 'one' to keep it in the third person, especially when you are talking about the slave to the Dark Mage. The bit about the mages and Kiera, you can use Kiera as your subject.
1/26/2006 c4 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, I'll have to say that this story's still very good. Wonder what's the connection between the characters here by now, but I guess it will be out in the open soon, huh? The bond between Drelen and Kiera seems very close. Like the way you explained about the Magi levels. It's very interesting. Maybe you can do an explanation on the nature of magik in the future? Anyway, bye for now! ^^
1/25/2006 c3 1rrmehta364
Very interesting. I like having Drelen and Kiera. Seem very interesting characters. The villains seem a little more cliched, but I've only gotten a glimpse of them. Anyways, very interesting so far and I'm looking forward to reading more.
12/29/2005 c1 NO LONGER USING
wow sorry i havn't reviewed sooner, this is really good, love the imagery, ps i've posted some more chapters and a whole new story...r.r

Happy New Year Lacy
12/24/2005 c2 rrmehta364
you've got two independent clauses in the sentence, "A perpetual crimson stain washed in her gaze, the world appeared as if covered a spraying of blood." I'm not sure if I'm right on this one though.

no need for a comma, "Her sister knew, they’d said their good byes."

I'm not a huge fan of using as many semi-colons as you do in a beginning. first, I have suspicions some are used incorrectly. Second, they aren't always necessary.

the first bit was a little too vague for my liking. I know you are trying to create a sense of mystery, but all you get it is the wrong kind of confusion.

I really liked the imagery in the first paragraph of the second bit.

I dont think the sentence, "Destiny had yet to be played out." has any purpose. I don't know the plot, so i can't judge fairly yet though.

I liked the repetition of the word crimson. it creates an image of death, and love, and all sorts of things in my mind. However, this may be because I just like the word crimson. Doesn't it sound kool.

I'm questioning the apostrophes in the names. They make things hard to pronounce, which generally isnt a good thing.

in the sentence, "You have been awaited." the awaited is supposed to be expected.

dunno, but i think the whole mindspeak thing with Lyliane was a little glossed over. The beginning of the passage seemed well described, but the end seemed a little too vaguely written for my writing.

wait, how did an eleven year old girl take down a White Hind.

I don't like Yyille's character. Its all too easy to write bully characters without depth, and it seems like Yyille is one of them. I don't mean to presume, but I find it very annoying when one character exists only to make the protagonist look better. This tendency is especially pronounced when the protag has red hair (just something i noticed through my reading career)

what exactly does, "and five years older than Cae’s decade." mean.

hm...about Cae. She seems like your stereotypical abused girl who had it too hard routine. I don't mean to sound harsh, but its a plot device i've seen used quite often. It particularly irks me because writers rarely understand how much a beating hurts, and through all characterization of other people away.

anyways, great chapter and i look forward to reading more. not your best work, but better than what most people write. anyways, great job. aufwidersehen.
12/18/2005 c3 2Cirex
Hello :) Glad to see the update.

“Encanth des Mortos Nectaire dus Maelvos,” - This is just a suggestion, since it's your story/system, but since this is a different language, maybe italicise it?

"The man opened his frosty blue eyes, and a chilling grin spread across his angular face. It did not make him look any kinder; if it was possible; it further brought out the cruelty stamped on his patrician features. " - Excellent description. I loved this whole bit.

Hmm... interesting. I wonder what you've got planned. Each new chapter introduces new characters, subplots, and factions. I'm intrigued at how they'll twist together later.

If that's what you have planned. :)

Keep it going!
11/30/2005 c2 Cirex
Sorry I haven't reviewed sooner. Been busy.

Wow, the imagery is abundant and marvellous in this opening scene with Carden. Same thing for the scene after, with the shoreline and the ocean. Amazing job! :)

"But they risked their lies anyway." - 'lies' should be 'lives'.

'farreader' - realistically, I'd agree to keep this uncapatalised. But, it would make it easier for the reader (at least, me :P) if you did capatalise it, since it's a new word. It'd help to point it out, kinda highlight it. Lol, I hope you get what I'm saying here.

"...thinking it was her fathers money after all..." - 'fathers' needs an apostrophe.

Again, excellent imagery when you describe Caelia's eyes. I can't wait until you describe a feast or something food-related. :)

Great stuff. :) I noticed you updated Misalliance, so I'm gonna read that next.
11/26/2005 c1 Cirex
Well this one looked interesting, and since I don't know how long it will be until you update Misalliance, this story will have to tide me over. :)

Good start. I really like the description at the beginning- "The Lady cried; her tears cleansed the seas of blood." - Great imagery.

And that poem was GREAT. I started thinking of Tolkien about five-ten lines in, and how this reminded me of all his great poems (in Hobbit, LOTR). So I really enjoyed that. Flowed incredibly smoothly for the most part. Nice and cryptic, and it had a mysterious air to it, as if someone was speaking it from out of sight, within a mist or something.

Lol, I'm rambling. :) Reading on...

"You can not hold yourself accountable for this, Rhosyn" - Hm... I see this from time to time - 'can not'. I don't think that mentioning it will change your mind about it (which is perfectly fine, it's your story), but I really think that it should be 'cannot' instead. I don't believe that the feel of the sentence would be diminished if you made this change.

Anyway... :P

Good stuff. I really like that 'shining ebony' reference, and the way the curse is portrayed is interesting too. Unique, to my eyes. I like it. :) I can get a sense of the type of forboding for the future that the people might feel.

Good stuff :)
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