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for Then and There

2/22/2006 c4 16Jasper Riddle
I've been wanting to ask this...

WTF kind of name is Montrog?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

This girl is-there's no other way to say this-she's shallow. She's so shallow she reflects-she's so shallow you could step in her and your ankles wouldn't get wet. If I saw my best friend that supposedly hadn't seen me in three years, I wouldn't suddenly be like "oh, hey, it's you?" I'd think of them as a completely different person.

She's constantly thinking of how hot Seb (WTF name here) and Chris are-where is the depth to this girl? She wants to kiss Chris because he's hot? *gags* This is the kind of girl I would avoid like the plague.

Yeah, sorry for tearing your MC to bloody bits.
2/22/2006 c3 Jasper Riddle
*headdesk*

Yikes. This is getting hard to me to read.

I feel like I'm in this girls' head, which is really damn annoying. Yes, she's annoying. And slightly unrealistic. If I has shunted forward three years, I would NOT be ooh-ing over a hot guy-I would probably collapse and start weeping. Where is this girl's breakdown? Think, Zoe, THINK! How would you react to be shoved forward?

Also-she thinks too much. This story is clogged with her thoughts, which makes it pretty damn hard to read without zoning out. I understand that you want to capture her thoughts, but this really feels like a first draft.
2/22/2006 c2 Jasper Riddle
Okay, you're degrading into Shakespeare-monkey here. I understand you're trying to capture the thoughts and panic of this girl, but...DITCH THE CAPS.

The less amount of bolds, caps, and italics, the better. They're supposed to be used sparingly, for emphasis on single words, and if you're using all of them willy-nilly, it's an eyesore.

Nice to see you realized the stuff about the BBC code.
2/22/2006 c1 Jasper Riddle
Okay, Zoe. A hint? You dont need to use BBC code here like you do on Gaia.

An interesting opening, my dear friend, but a bit strangely written. not sure what's so off about it, though.
1/6/2006 c3 Lorraine Simonis
I love your style. It's cool reading something entirely in first person - it makes me feel like I'm actually in the narators mind. A bit confusing at times, but cool nonetheless.
1/1/2006 c13 3miss-blackhair
great. totally great. i like it lots. update soon! =)
12/21/2005 c13 clooless
OMFG, PLEASE update soon. Dude, this is so awesome. Gawd, 2007. That's so freaky. *shudders* Wow...I'd be 16. gross. Okay, done rambling. Update soon!
12/17/2005 c13 6Ginne
yay! i just read all of what you have so far and i love it! it's a liitle confusing in places, but i'm getting it all now, as the plot continues, it makes more sense. I want to know what happened! PLEASE!
12/11/2005 c9 3miss-blackhair
it was a nice read. update soon! =)
12/7/2005 c9 3Trippez
Cho! I am SO confused now, but that's awesome. You'd think I'd get used to seeing "like" in almost everything Jess says, but no, not me! I have to PICK APART HER SENTANCES.

But that's ok. You rock.
12/4/2005 c9 twdbot
Hmm...this was pretty good. Sorry if I didn't review last chapter. Too lazy to check if I did.

A suggestion, though. You should add more things that are going on besides what Kayleen's thinking. Even though she does say stuff like, "Mehmhmeh! Chris! Stop kissing me while we’re eating breakfast!" in her head, it's sort of odd. I mean, it does give the readers an idea of what's going on, but maybe you could add stuff besides what's in her head.

Maybe you could add something like what's going on be
11/17/2005 c6 9deepest-blue
ah the mind of a teenage girl! is kinda scary...but sill extremely funny!

I love it!

update soon

PS we get cookies?
11/16/2005 c8 7awaitinglove
hey, i really like this story. lol and i think i like seb way better than chris and i hope that they end up together in the end. :D

Update soon!
11/16/2005 c7 10Lipstick Stained Massacre
O.O *squeels and flaps hands like a crazy person* oh muh gosh! This is so wierd. I feel like I know what she's going through, yet I never time traveled. lol No, I'm not the least bit confused. I can see the story taking many different turns. That being said, I'm still not sure who she's going to choose! XD But hey, that's what makes this story all the more fun. This is so exciting. Please, continue.lol
11/15/2005 c7 14Gilda Brennan
GOODIWANTTOREADMORE type. -laughs- umm..suggestions...okay, how bout she cheats on them both? -laughs then shoots self- just a suggestion, it would lead to some serious heartbreak'n'stuff. I got kind of dizzy when I read it. @-@ Don't know why though...
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