for Veiled Truths9/5/2006 c1 kyle
Im shocked and impressed i havent read anything this good since David Eddings wrote The Diamond Throne
Im shocked and impressed i havent read anything this good since David Eddings wrote The Diamond Throne
10/27/2005 c1 
32The Blind Guardian
I am interested in the story. It started off with questions, but I found it rather difficult to read, because there were a lot of spelling and gramatical errors. Not knowing how far you plan to go with this, I have refrained from making comments on said errors for now. I have enclosed some comments below. I will see where your story goes before listing the questions I have. Oh yes, This seems like another summary, rather than a full story, is that all this is?
- What kind of clothes is he wearing. you mention they are from the eighteen hundreds, but give no discription, I recommend some.- discription of the ripped dress would be good. We won't care that her dress is ripped, but it would make it better of you explained how it was ripped.- "Strange how even in violent scenes such as this she makes you more comfortable then when you’re awake." Who is saying this? is this the narator, the voice? If it is the voice, you need quotations. You COULD explain that it is the voice, but that's up to you- Some small transitional paragraph between brad's dream and the pallace would be good.- "her eyes are almost as dark as..." you just told us her eyes were black, you don't need to repeat yourself.- Explaining the transformation of the wolf would be helpful."huff" I PERSONALLY would explain to the reader that he is out of breath. the word "huff" just doesn't sound right in literary dialog. It is ok in games, but books are a different matter.- man in the hospital bed? boy? brad? it's like you're telling this story from a few different perspectives. we know who is where, and you don't need to say "the man" or the boy unless we are not given a name.- watch your tenses. You tell most of this story in present tense, as it is really happening. I think personally it would be better in all past tense, because the point of view keeps switching, but that's just me. Just remember to keep your tense consistant. There are a few instances where you do that. I won't go over this in too much detail until I know you are continuing it.- "Excuse me" brad's friend ..." feel free to use his name since we know it.- Good discription of Brad's transformation.
Remy/the blind guardian.
32The Blind GuardianI am interested in the story. It started off with questions, but I found it rather difficult to read, because there were a lot of spelling and gramatical errors. Not knowing how far you plan to go with this, I have refrained from making comments on said errors for now. I have enclosed some comments below. I will see where your story goes before listing the questions I have. Oh yes, This seems like another summary, rather than a full story, is that all this is?
- What kind of clothes is he wearing. you mention they are from the eighteen hundreds, but give no discription, I recommend some.- discription of the ripped dress would be good. We won't care that her dress is ripped, but it would make it better of you explained how it was ripped.- "Strange how even in violent scenes such as this she makes you more comfortable then when you’re awake." Who is saying this? is this the narator, the voice? If it is the voice, you need quotations. You COULD explain that it is the voice, but that's up to you- Some small transitional paragraph between brad's dream and the pallace would be good.- "her eyes are almost as dark as..." you just told us her eyes were black, you don't need to repeat yourself.- Explaining the transformation of the wolf would be helpful."huff" I PERSONALLY would explain to the reader that he is out of breath. the word "huff" just doesn't sound right in literary dialog. It is ok in games, but books are a different matter.- man in the hospital bed? boy? brad? it's like you're telling this story from a few different perspectives. we know who is where, and you don't need to say "the man" or the boy unless we are not given a name.- watch your tenses. You tell most of this story in present tense, as it is really happening. I think personally it would be better in all past tense, because the point of view keeps switching, but that's just me. Just remember to keep your tense consistant. There are a few instances where you do that. I won't go over this in too much detail until I know you are continuing it.- "Excuse me" brad's friend ..." feel free to use his name since we know it.- Good discription of Brad's transformation.
Remy/the blind guardian.