for Alone7/10/2011 c1 
123A Fire Rose
Hey, there! Your writing style is interesting! I always love sensory detail. I do feel like you're explaining more than showing, though. And the egg line was a little odd if the narrater is a girl and not from something that lays eggs. But interesting poem!
123A Fire RoseHey, there! Your writing style is interesting! I always love sensory detail. I do feel like you're explaining more than showing, though. And the egg line was a little odd if the narrater is a girl and not from something that lays eggs. But interesting poem!
5/18/2011 c1 119SomeRandomScribbles
Great piece! The flow is very good, and I like the imagery - the running theme of an egg is very effective, particularly with the mention of mothers. The repetition in this piece also works very well, and the emotions are very strong.
I think to improve on this you could take another look at the punctuation and formatting - perhaps a left allign, single spaced, and broken up into stanzas would help?
:)
119SomeRandomScribblesGreat piece! The flow is very good, and I like the imagery - the running theme of an egg is very effective, particularly with the mention of mothers. The repetition in this piece also works very well, and the emotions are very strong.
I think to improve on this you could take another look at the punctuation and formatting - perhaps a left allign, single spaced, and broken up into stanzas would help?
:)
2/9/2009 c1 21threm
This is good, but it could be better.
Try rhyming, it was the mistake i often made before, the poem would really be more emotional if it has a continuous rhythm.
thanks yo.
-threm.
21thremThis is good, but it could be better.
Try rhyming, it was the mistake i often made before, the poem would really be more emotional if it has a continuous rhythm.
thanks yo.
-threm.
12/18/2008 c1 disused account
Very nice and good flow. Bit on the short side but you captured the emotion. Nice work!
Lee
PS: If you honestly want to trade reviews just pick something at random. I write historical/Irish stuff so..
Very nice and good flow. Bit on the short side but you captured the emotion. Nice work!
Lee
PS: If you honestly want to trade reviews just pick something at random. I write historical/Irish stuff so..
11/28/2008 c1 146Sexy Vampirechick
I liked how you used the eggshell to compare with how fragile a person is.It really shows how easily one can get hurt.
I didn't quite grasp the ending.
"Now you are gone
…Forever…
And once more I am alone,
Without a mother."
It stated that once more I am alone without a mother.Technically the narrator wasn't alone before.She/he always had her.Or am I seeing things wrong?Other than that I think this poem has great emotion in it.
146Sexy VampirechickI liked how you used the eggshell to compare with how fragile a person is.It really shows how easily one can get hurt.
I didn't quite grasp the ending.
"Now you are gone
…Forever…
And once more I am alone,
Without a mother."
It stated that once more I am alone without a mother.Technically the narrator wasn't alone before.She/he always had her.Or am I seeing things wrong?Other than that I think this poem has great emotion in it.
11/27/2008 c1 nothing.void.gone
The beginning of the piece made it sound like a love-relationship poem, and then it twisted into a tragic-loss poem. I think usually the transition for this kind of piece would have been a bit smoother; I felt that only some of the emotion went in the direction you were pushing and a bit of it was lost. I think it's because either the twist came about too late or there wasn't enough of an impact in the closure I guess. It was just kind of iffy for me.
I liked the idea of the egg/shell. It provided imagery that allows you to follow the piece along easier. It also helped make the mood of the piece more vibrant.
Good effort on this poem (:
The beginning of the piece made it sound like a love-relationship poem, and then it twisted into a tragic-loss poem. I think usually the transition for this kind of piece would have been a bit smoother; I felt that only some of the emotion went in the direction you were pushing and a bit of it was lost. I think it's because either the twist came about too late or there wasn't enough of an impact in the closure I guess. It was just kind of iffy for me.
I liked the idea of the egg/shell. It provided imagery that allows you to follow the piece along easier. It also helped make the mood of the piece more vibrant.
Good effort on this poem (:
11/6/2008 c1 2dragonflydreamer
I like your repition of the idea of eggs and shells. It helped maintain a similar feeling throughout the poem, and in a weird way it sort of related to the ending.
Speaking of which, I liked the end because it was an interesting twist. It seemed to be about romance, then you completely changed the meaning simply and with a lot of impact.
2dragonflydreamerI like your repition of the idea of eggs and shells. It helped maintain a similar feeling throughout the poem, and in a weird way it sort of related to the ending.
Speaking of which, I liked the end because it was an interesting twist. It seemed to be about romance, then you completely changed the meaning simply and with a lot of impact.
8/13/2008 c1 172DefineBeauty
i like this one, it shows emotion well and it's descriptive in the words you chose
i think the punctuation could use a little bit of work in some places though, it would help with the flow of things
172DefineBeautyi like this one, it shows emotion well and it's descriptive in the words you chose
i think the punctuation could use a little bit of work in some places though, it would help with the flow of things
8/12/2008 c1 1Sobriquet Nightmare
An excellent poem on the expressions of a child that lost its maternal parent. Creative descriptions abound, and very interesting imagery. A job well done!
1Sobriquet NightmareAn excellent poem on the expressions of a child that lost its maternal parent. Creative descriptions abound, and very interesting imagery. A job well done!
8/9/2008 c1 24Serenity Takaishi
sad :[
but i liked the idea and wording you used.
i think you might have needed a few commas is a few places.
24Serenity Takaishisad :[
but i liked the idea and wording you used.
i think you might have needed a few commas is a few places.
8/7/2008 c1 42didgeridoo
This is a really heartfelt poem, and I think you did an excellent job.
I liked the line "Like an eggshell; thin, fragile/That will break with a gentle caress." However, the word "that" at the beginning of the line doesn't seem right somehow; maybe it should be "it" or "I"? Otherwise, this was a truly beautiful poem, and I look forward to more of your work.
Zoey
42didgeridooThis is a really heartfelt poem, and I think you did an excellent job.
I liked the line "Like an eggshell; thin, fragile/That will break with a gentle caress." However, the word "that" at the beginning of the line doesn't seem right somehow; maybe it should be "it" or "I"? Otherwise, this was a truly beautiful poem, and I look forward to more of your work.
Zoey
8/7/2008 c1 123456DoesNotExist
Review Game!
Wow, I like the message. It really sinks in. Your imagery is also stunning, it helps the poem take flight. I like how you used the eggshell, a good comparison.
I can't find anything I don't like about it, it's great.
Amazing.
~Me
Review Game!
Wow, I like the message. It really sinks in. Your imagery is also stunning, it helps the poem take flight. I like how you used the eggshell, a good comparison.
I can't find anything I don't like about it, it's great.
Amazing.
~Me
6/14/2007 c1 87Kissing Concrete
so sad and bluntly honest. if you think about it, you really are tied down with chains when a loved one dies.. i never thought about that before:)
87Kissing Concreteso sad and bluntly honest. if you think about it, you really are tied down with chains when a loved one dies.. i never thought about that before:)
5/30/2007 c1 10DarkBlysse
"And now that too is gone"-There should be commas before and after 'too.'
Aww, you must really love your mother. Has she seen this poem? If not, she should. At first I thought it was about a gf or something, but then I saw the word 'mother' and a lightbulb went off. This poem is just so beautiful and full of love.
10DarkBlysse"And now that too is gone"-There should be commas before and after 'too.'
Aww, you must really love your mother. Has she seen this poem? If not, she should. At first I thought it was about a gf or something, but then I saw the word 'mother' and a lightbulb went off. This poem is just so beautiful and full of love.