for Wealthy, Famous & Strange11/27/2006 c9 
1addicted2cocoa
I'm glad you decided not to give up on this; I was going to do the same with the story I'm writing right now, but it was my first and my baby and I couldn't let it go.;P
Hate Belinda, she is the ultimate cowbag, but I love Roy!
So, is this a chapter a revelation for Cheryl? She's obviously got a lot of thinking to do in this chapter. You might want to consider slowing that part down a little bit though, just so it's more detailed and so it doesn't seem rushed or anythung.
You seem to contradict yourself slightly in one bit though, whn you write, 'Nathan didn’t look a bit like Isaac. Isaac had the same hair, the same eyes, true but their face wasn’t the same. Their features. Their expression. Nathan was harried, rings around his eyes, slightly ruffled hair with constant late nights.' You say they have the same hair but then that Issac had ruffled hair, or am I just reading it wrong?
Take your time with this. If it takes you a couple of weeks to write a few chapters that are as near to perfection as you can get, then so be it. It might also save you having to go back and edit stuff as well, which is always a pain... :X
And it's true what everyone says: plan, plan, plan!
(I sound incredibly corny...)
Keep on going!
1addicted2cocoaI'm glad you decided not to give up on this; I was going to do the same with the story I'm writing right now, but it was my first and my baby and I couldn't let it go.;P
Hate Belinda, she is the ultimate cowbag, but I love Roy!
So, is this a chapter a revelation for Cheryl? She's obviously got a lot of thinking to do in this chapter. You might want to consider slowing that part down a little bit though, just so it's more detailed and so it doesn't seem rushed or anythung.
You seem to contradict yourself slightly in one bit though, whn you write, 'Nathan didn’t look a bit like Isaac. Isaac had the same hair, the same eyes, true but their face wasn’t the same. Their features. Their expression. Nathan was harried, rings around his eyes, slightly ruffled hair with constant late nights.' You say they have the same hair but then that Issac had ruffled hair, or am I just reading it wrong?
Take your time with this. If it takes you a couple of weeks to write a few chapters that are as near to perfection as you can get, then so be it. It might also save you having to go back and edit stuff as well, which is always a pain... :X
And it's true what everyone says: plan, plan, plan!
(I sound incredibly corny...)
Keep on going!
11/27/2006 c1 sheepep
ahh .. I would be able to read the rest of the chapter well if you didn't put that minor error near the beginning. You wrote the wrote the words, 'Versace and Armani designers.' I would like to correct you in saying, 'designers.'
Recently, after researching on Giorgio Armani for an assignment, I suppose that 'Armani,' is rather a certain, 'person,' than of, 'people.'
It is the same with Versace. Gianni Versace. It is rather one person than of many people. If you could correct this, 'minor,' error then I would be pleased.
ahh .. I would be able to read the rest of the chapter well if you didn't put that minor error near the beginning. You wrote the wrote the words, 'Versace and Armani designers.' I would like to correct you in saying, 'designers.'
Recently, after researching on Giorgio Armani for an assignment, I suppose that 'Armani,' is rather a certain, 'person,' than of, 'people.'
It is the same with Versace. Gianni Versace. It is rather one person than of many people. If you could correct this, 'minor,' error then I would be pleased.
11/24/2006 c8 addicted2cocoa
Oh, you've got all sorts of twists haven't you! I wasn't expecting that at all.
As an author, I know that although the 'this story is great!' reviews are very much loved, constructive criticism is always appreaciated, so I hope my comments helped you in some way.
You have a natrual writing style that I really love, so keep writing this. Your story has gotten better with each chapter, which shows how important editing and maturing as a writer is.
Just for the sake of it:
Update!
Oh, you've got all sorts of twists haven't you! I wasn't expecting that at all.
As an author, I know that although the 'this story is great!' reviews are very much loved, constructive criticism is always appreaciated, so I hope my comments helped you in some way.
You have a natrual writing style that I really love, so keep writing this. Your story has gotten better with each chapter, which shows how important editing and maturing as a writer is.
Just for the sake of it:
Update!
11/24/2006 c7 addicted2cocoa
I love the little flashbacks of Issac and Cheryl, he is so sweet to her, and they are so in love!
The whole name thing gets a little confusing at times. I understand that Issac and Cheryl have different names and this is an important part of the story, but if they have one main name you should call them that in the narrative.
That didn't make any sense, so here's an example.
Like when you say, 'Nathan knocked his palm against his car’s steering wheel.' We know him as Issac, so how come you don't refer to him as that?
I love the little flashbacks of Issac and Cheryl, he is so sweet to her, and they are so in love!
The whole name thing gets a little confusing at times. I understand that Issac and Cheryl have different names and this is an important part of the story, but if they have one main name you should call them that in the narrative.
That didn't make any sense, so here's an example.
Like when you say, 'Nathan knocked his palm against his car’s steering wheel.' We know him as Issac, so how come you don't refer to him as that?
11/24/2006 c6 addicted2cocoa
I like it a lot better in third person, it makes it more mature and suits your writing style more.
One thing though, you kind of skipped all of Cheryl's performance and I would have thought that was quite a big part.
Anyways, nice chapter.
I like it a lot better in third person, it makes it more mature and suits your writing style more.
One thing though, you kind of skipped all of Cheryl's performance and I would have thought that was quite a big part.
Anyways, nice chapter.
11/24/2006 c5 addicted2cocoa
Ooh, juicy...I wonder what happens next?
Just a little con crit here, on a whole, I prefer stories that are from one POV, or are just two POV's, it gets confusing after that. If you're going to write from third person from now on, why did you write from different POV's earlier? I understand that you are trying to show their personality etc, but that could have been done in third person as well.
Anyways, onwards with the next chappie!
Ooh, juicy...I wonder what happens next?
Just a little con crit here, on a whole, I prefer stories that are from one POV, or are just two POV's, it gets confusing after that. If you're going to write from third person from now on, why did you write from different POV's earlier? I understand that you are trying to show their personality etc, but that could have been done in third person as well.
Anyways, onwards with the next chappie!
11/24/2006 c4 addicted2cocoa
All of your charachters seem to be selfish, even if it is only a small amount. Issac cares about his business, Cheryl cares about her flagging music career and Roy cares about his acting career. It all seems to revolve around money. Funnily enough, I like this trait, it makes them seem more human.
All of your charachters seem to be selfish, even if it is only a small amount. Issac cares about his business, Cheryl cares about her flagging music career and Roy cares about his acting career. It all seems to revolve around money. Funnily enough, I like this trait, it makes them seem more human.
11/24/2006 c3 addicted2cocoa
I think it's sad that female stars have to go to such lengths just so that they can survive in the industry. When did looks begin to mean more than actual talent? But yeah, like Cheryl, celebs seem to care more about fame and money than retaining their self respect.
I think it's sad that female stars have to go to such lengths just so that they can survive in the industry. When did looks begin to mean more than actual talent? But yeah, like Cheryl, celebs seem to care more about fame and money than retaining their self respect.
11/24/2006 c1 addicted2cocoa
Interesting prologue - it actually kind of sounds like a review you've written for a book. The mood seems quite bitter and pessimistic, I guess I'll have to read on and find out.
Interesting prologue - it actually kind of sounds like a review you've written for a book. The mood seems quite bitter and pessimistic, I guess I'll have to read on and find out.
8/1/2006 c1 3Adaku
Hey, I remember you. Weren't you in youngwriters101. I think. Anyway thanks for the review for my story. I really need to fix the grammar mistakes the my story. Other than that, you have a great beginning so far. Nice work. Keep up the great work. Till next time
waterhealer
3AdakuHey, I remember you. Weren't you in youngwriters101. I think. Anyway thanks for the review for my story. I really need to fix the grammar mistakes the my story. Other than that, you have a great beginning so far. Nice work. Keep up the great work. Till next time
waterhealer