for Slave and Master, Part 1:Consequences5/9/2008 c19 Naramyon
Wow. Time-skip.
*frowns* You didn't really do this very well. I'm still used to the 13-year old Calen, I have no clue about the 17-year-old one.
Again, you didn't mention what he looks like. He probably has a beard by now.
~The Critic, Zoa
Wow. Time-skip.
*frowns* You didn't really do this very well. I'm still used to the 13-year old Calen, I have no clue about the 17-year-old one.
Again, you didn't mention what he looks like. He probably has a beard by now.
~The Critic, Zoa
5/9/2008 c17 Naramyon
You've beautifully captured Darian here.
His heart has been torn to pieces, but he keeps going in loyalty for his father. A truely selfless individual.
I'm awfully curious where Calen comes into this picture.
Slave and Master... Things to think about.
You know, if I was in Calen's places, I'd get the mayor & the priest to spread the rumor that I had died.
*tilts head* That would help. If he was 'dead' then no more assassins would come.
~The Critic, Zoa
You've beautifully captured Darian here.
His heart has been torn to pieces, but he keeps going in loyalty for his father. A truely selfless individual.
I'm awfully curious where Calen comes into this picture.
Slave and Master... Things to think about.
You know, if I was in Calen's places, I'd get the mayor & the priest to spread the rumor that I had died.
*tilts head* That would help. If he was 'dead' then no more assassins would come.
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c16 Naramyon
How could trained assassins, who KNOW that someone's after them, let their guard down? The idiots!
*cries*
~The Critic, Zoa
How could trained assassins, who KNOW that someone's after them, let their guard down? The idiots!
*cries*
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c15 Naramyon
You know... I haven't even asked where Slave and Master comes in. Does that mean that Calen will get sold as a slave?
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, etc. *continues chant*.
*stops 'damning' and winces* Let's get this over with. *grabs a box of tissues*
~The Critic, Zoa
You know... I haven't even asked where Slave and Master comes in. Does that mean that Calen will get sold as a slave?
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, etc. *continues chant*.
*stops 'damning' and winces* Let's get this over with. *grabs a box of tissues*
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c14 Naramyon
I like the way the patroler found nothing memoriable about the fight. It brings a mortal feel to everything.
So one of the twins is to die, and we know it can't be Calen. Damn it all.
-
At least the feifdom accepts that it's lord swings for guys. That's one thing that'll make things smoother.
*cries silently* You sure like killing people, don't you? *swallows* It must mean that the ending will be all the sweeter.
~The Critic, zoa
I like the way the patroler found nothing memoriable about the fight. It brings a mortal feel to everything.
So one of the twins is to die, and we know it can't be Calen. Damn it all.
-
At least the feifdom accepts that it's lord swings for guys. That's one thing that'll make things smoother.
*cries silently* You sure like killing people, don't you? *swallows* It must mean that the ending will be all the sweeter.
~The Critic, zoa
5/8/2008 c13 Naramyon
You killed Fayn, damn it! *continues grumbling*
*sighs* I guess it wouldn't have been at all realistic if Fayn had survived, but damn I wish he had.
Now who does Darian end up with? Calen? Caylyn? I'm so confused...
~The Critic, Zoa
You killed Fayn, damn it! *continues grumbling*
*sighs* I guess it wouldn't have been at all realistic if Fayn had survived, but damn I wish he had.
Now who does Darian end up with? Calen? Caylyn? I'm so confused...
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c12 Naramyon
Wow. You didn't switch over to Darian.
... But on second thought, there's no point untill he meets/is about to meet Fayn.
Caylyn may die, and what do you bet that Fayn get's fatally wounded and Calen ends up taking him to a castle/manor.
Hm... Or maybe Calen and Caylyn escape.
Marduk and Fayn fight. Marduk dies and Fayn is fatally wounded when he's found.
*tilts head* That could happen.
*smirks* Can't wait to find out.
~The Critic, Zoa
Wow. You didn't switch over to Darian.
... But on second thought, there's no point untill he meets/is about to meet Fayn.
Caylyn may die, and what do you bet that Fayn get's fatally wounded and Calen ends up taking him to a castle/manor.
Hm... Or maybe Calen and Caylyn escape.
Marduk and Fayn fight. Marduk dies and Fayn is fatally wounded when he's found.
*tilts head* That could happen.
*smirks* Can't wait to find out.
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c11 Naramyon
You finnally told us the executioner's name. About time.
Who's this Jasmin person who had his scientist and mages make Marduk? If you ment Jaymin I'll wack you over the head. An author CAN'T make mistakes like that.
Shit. Fuck. Double-fuck. This is SO not good.
If Fayn's right, that one of them will die, it will be Caylyn.
We know that Calen lives to be a father, and we're pretty sure that Fayn pairs up with Darian, so it only leaves Caylyn.
*winces* That will do hell to Calen's mind. (And we learn about the disadvantages of having a mind-link with someone.)
~The Critic, Zoa
You finnally told us the executioner's name. About time.
Who's this Jasmin person who had his scientist and mages make Marduk? If you ment Jaymin I'll wack you over the head. An author CAN'T make mistakes like that.
Shit. Fuck. Double-fuck. This is SO not good.
If Fayn's right, that one of them will die, it will be Caylyn.
We know that Calen lives to be a father, and we're pretty sure that Fayn pairs up with Darian, so it only leaves Caylyn.
*winces* That will do hell to Calen's mind. (And we learn about the disadvantages of having a mind-link with someone.)
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c10 Naramyon
*sad smile* Beautiful. Tragicly beautiful.
*glances at you* You've made Galen a gem amoung gems. *glances upward* A beautiful character. Gentle, kind, strong, and wise beyond his years. (I want to hold a funeral now.)
I'm glad that Darian heard Galen's words. It makes things bitter-sweet, which is beautiful as a rainstorm.
You don't really describe anything. I don't know what Galen looked like, or what the style of castle they were in, you didn't even mention the weather before Galen spoke.
*shakes head* You really need to pick that up.
~The Critic, Zoa
*sad smile* Beautiful. Tragicly beautiful.
*glances at you* You've made Galen a gem amoung gems. *glances upward* A beautiful character. Gentle, kind, strong, and wise beyond his years. (I want to hold a funeral now.)
I'm glad that Darian heard Galen's words. It makes things bitter-sweet, which is beautiful as a rainstorm.
You don't really describe anything. I don't know what Galen looked like, or what the style of castle they were in, you didn't even mention the weather before Galen spoke.
*shakes head* You really need to pick that up.
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c9 Naramyon
After reading the first paragraph:
Wait. Everybody pause for a minute.
Fayn and Darian?
Hmm... That could work. Fayn's wishing he had someone "Close, a companion, and above all, a trust so binding that they would kill for each other."
... Yep. It's Fayn.
Ew... I like the Executioner. Evil and sadistic, cruel too.
You didn't discribe him though. I'm only seeing a medivel hangman with a ruck-sack hood.
If everyone agrees that the king is insane, why don't they kill him?
In an entire family of assassin, not one considered fighting back.
How do you pronounce Calen and Caylyn? Both are about the same.
~The Critic, Zoa
After reading the first paragraph:
Wait. Everybody pause for a minute.
Fayn and Darian?
Hmm... That could work. Fayn's wishing he had someone "Close, a companion, and above all, a trust so binding that they would kill for each other."
... Yep. It's Fayn.
Ew... I like the Executioner. Evil and sadistic, cruel too.
You didn't discribe him though. I'm only seeing a medivel hangman with a ruck-sack hood.
If everyone agrees that the king is insane, why don't they kill him?
In an entire family of assassin, not one considered fighting back.
How do you pronounce Calen and Caylyn? Both are about the same.
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c8 Naramyon
*sighs* It is done.
Thank you, for killing Branfin. Thank you so much. *closes eyes*
I love the way you're interchanging stories. It's confusing as hell, but it's interesting, switching back and forth. Keeps the readers from getting bored.
You might want to find someone, a beta-reader maybe, to correct your grammar and machanic errors.
~The Critic, Zoa
(Favorite Stories list)
*sighs* It is done.
Thank you, for killing Branfin. Thank you so much. *closes eyes*
I love the way you're interchanging stories. It's confusing as hell, but it's interesting, switching back and forth. Keeps the readers from getting bored.
You might want to find someone, a beta-reader maybe, to correct your grammar and machanic errors.
~The Critic, Zoa
(Favorite Stories list)
5/8/2008 c7 Naramyon
*wide eyes* (like this O_O. lol) Are you sure that it's the king that's insane? Gaiver comes in close second.
How come no one else left?
Everyone knew why, and some agreed with what Fayn was doing, so why didn't they follow his lead?
Afraid of being disowned? *snorts* Between dead and disowned, I'd rather be disowned.
~The Critic, Zoa
*wide eyes* (like this O_O. lol) Are you sure that it's the king that's insane? Gaiver comes in close second.
How come no one else left?
Everyone knew why, and some agreed with what Fayn was doing, so why didn't they follow his lead?
Afraid of being disowned? *snorts* Between dead and disowned, I'd rather be disowned.
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c6 Naramyon
*cries* I love this! *sniff* Dramatic, romantic, and tragic. (The three -ic's. lol) *sobs*
I hope you kill B-what'sit. *eyes narrow* I wish I could kill him!
So we have:
A mad king.
A family of assassins(sp?).
A young Calen who has the gift of prophacy(sp?), and will one day have a son.
A Lord's dead foster son.
A greif striken lover whom vows revenge.
And a cruel murderer.
Oh the thrills we will have.
~The Critic, Zoa
*cries* I love this! *sniff* Dramatic, romantic, and tragic. (The three -ic's. lol) *sobs*
I hope you kill B-what'sit. *eyes narrow* I wish I could kill him!
So we have:
A mad king.
A family of assassins(sp?).
A young Calen who has the gift of prophacy(sp?), and will one day have a son.
A Lord's dead foster son.
A greif striken lover whom vows revenge.
And a cruel murderer.
Oh the thrills we will have.
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c5 Naramyon
I like the way you occasionally(sp?) throw random information about the clan into the story. Keeps things from getting boring.
~The Critic, Zoa
I like the way you occasionally(sp?) throw random information about the clan into the story. Keeps things from getting boring.
~The Critic, Zoa
5/8/2008 c4 Naramyon
*blinks in surprise* Never mind about Calen.
Your stories are interesting, but I'm constantly noticing errors such as awkward phrasing and lack of punctuation.
Calen, Galen. Coinsidence? Maybe, maybe not.
O.O You killed Galen! Why-! How could-? What was that for? You just killed him! *continues ranting*
*raises an eyebrow* That Branfin fellow is a perfect antagonist.
I wonder what you'll do with him.
I also wonder what Calen and his clan have to do with Galen and Lord Darian's son.
*tilts head* I wonder if they're brought together by Branfin... We'll see.
~The Critic, Zoa
*blinks in surprise* Never mind about Calen.
Your stories are interesting, but I'm constantly noticing errors such as awkward phrasing and lack of punctuation.
Calen, Galen. Coinsidence? Maybe, maybe not.
O.O You killed Galen! Why-! How could-? What was that for? You just killed him! *continues ranting*
*raises an eyebrow* That Branfin fellow is a perfect antagonist.
I wonder what you'll do with him.
I also wonder what Calen and his clan have to do with Galen and Lord Darian's son.
*tilts head* I wonder if they're brought together by Branfin... We'll see.
~The Critic, Zoa