for Mirror of Destiny12/10/2005 c1 
3Black Hellebore
Ohemgee. Someone else FINALLY who reads El Dios (the god... I don't even take Spanish, hah) David Eddings. I have three things to say to that...
+ Dude, you freakin' rock!
+ I heart Silk. He's so evilishly good.
+ Ce'nedra ranks a close third to Erioned, just because he understates absolutely everything.
Now that I've completed that part of meh mission...
Fixables...
+ 'Fearsome' is an indication to fear, not that you are afraid. Perhaps fearful would fit better here, neh?
+ "...at first due human nature, soon they learned to rely on each other with complete trust." The choppilyness of domination returns! Perhaps this would go over smoother if you added a conjunture (aka, and, but, etc.) in between the comma and soon. So, "and soon," or "but soon," I think are the best options. Descisions up to you, though XD
+ "But the student refused, as the power streaming through his feigns had corrupted him..." feigns = veins
Likables...
A nice start to a story. Since this is only a legend, and thus told in prose-form, I haven't seen your /real/ style for this story. Yet. Ooh!
I like the four elementals, earth, etc. basically, the whole magic jazz. A little early to tell whether this one is gonna be a hit like Bonding of Souls (gawd, that story rocks!) but it's begining is prominsing a new set of plots and twists, abeit a /very/ different set of them...
Notice my new fix 'ems t'ings? A dash looks like a minus, which is negative. So, now we have a plus sign! Or not. Hopefully, they'll show up in the review. ( Stupid fictionpress decides to ruin my reviews. Sometimes.
3Black HelleboreOhemgee. Someone else FINALLY who reads El Dios (the god... I don't even take Spanish, hah) David Eddings. I have three things to say to that...
+ Dude, you freakin' rock!
+ I heart Silk. He's so evilishly good.
+ Ce'nedra ranks a close third to Erioned, just because he understates absolutely everything.
Now that I've completed that part of meh mission...
Fixables...
+ 'Fearsome' is an indication to fear, not that you are afraid. Perhaps fearful would fit better here, neh?
+ "...at first due human nature, soon they learned to rely on each other with complete trust." The choppilyness of domination returns! Perhaps this would go over smoother if you added a conjunture (aka, and, but, etc.) in between the comma and soon. So, "and soon," or "but soon," I think are the best options. Descisions up to you, though XD
+ "But the student refused, as the power streaming through his feigns had corrupted him..." feigns = veins
Likables...
A nice start to a story. Since this is only a legend, and thus told in prose-form, I haven't seen your /real/ style for this story. Yet. Ooh!
I like the four elementals, earth, etc. basically, the whole magic jazz. A little early to tell whether this one is gonna be a hit like Bonding of Souls (gawd, that story rocks!) but it's begining is prominsing a new set of plots and twists, abeit a /very/ different set of them...
Notice my new fix 'ems t'ings? A dash looks like a minus, which is negative. So, now we have a plus sign! Or not. Hopefully, they'll show up in the review. ( Stupid fictionpress decides to ruin my reviews. Sometimes.
11/10/2005 c1 1Clodhopper
yeah it was a little classic but that doesnt make it bad. There is really no knew story. I thought it was interesting and minus the occasional comma error it was well written. Be careful to not make the main character a boring Mary Sue
Mack
1Clodhopperyeah it was a little classic but that doesnt make it bad. There is really no knew story. I thought it was interesting and minus the occasional comma error it was well written. Be careful to not make the main character a boring Mary Sue
Mack