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for The Clairvoyant Pirates

12/15/2005 c19 JaveHarron
Okay, been a while... Very interesting set up so far. Great effects of cultural conditioning on characters.
11/25/2005 c2 Sally-andersonn
You know what. Even though I am a feminist, I do have to agree witht he uncle on htis one, Talibah is dumber than a box of rocks. We shall thank Allah for her stupidity otherwise this story would not be so irritating.
11/25/2005 c1 Sally-andersonn
Oh yeah. nine year old boys will stop a girl from getting 'uncontrolable urges'. I shall trudge on due tot he interesting summary. THis chapter wasn't much use.
11/22/2005 c10 Celyn
Cool. You've actually got Talibah's cultural conditioning quite well in this chapter... and it's good that you don't shy away from the unpleasantness with last minute rescue crap.

Perhaps put a line in to separate Talibah's scenes from Ekit's?

11/14/2005 c9 7Celyn
Ok, fair enough. I'll not nag you about chapter divisions again.

The story of Ekit's upbringing is good because it gives reasons for him to question his background. This is what I was saying with your other character... she needs a basis on which to reject her culture and upbringing before you simply make her do it.

On the whole, I find the parts about Ekit better written than the others. I am wondering if it should be "le Capitane" or just "Capitane"... I haven't done French in a bit, but it sounds French, in which case everyone's walking around going "Hello, the Captain," "Yes, the Captain," "What should we do now, the Captain?"
11/13/2005 c7 Celyn

Not really the place to end a chapter, but it's good up to there.
11/10/2005 c5 Ushi
Dude! Space pirates! Those are the best kind.

Characters are quite spiffy, definitely not cliche. Same goes for the setting. Spacer language mistakes were funny, but I don't understand how those particular ones could be made. More likely it would be mispronunciations or mixing up similar-sounding words, but hey, it's still cute. ^^

Keep writing, I's intrigued!
11/10/2005 c5 JaveHarron
Really gritty setting so far. I had a bit of difficulty with sections divided. Any more info on the political set up/history of Earth?
11/10/2005 c3 JaveHarron
Okay, I'm not to crazy on the title, but the setting is interesting so far. I like how you used an Arabic sounding heroine rather than the 'standard' for sci-fi, the big dumb commander (which I parodied in my story Space Bores). I do like the depth of your social order, but sadly, many real life nations have stuff like that.
11/10/2005 c5 Celyn
Well, again I'll say to watch Talibah's thoughts and reactions; living in such a male-dominated society, she will probably accept herself as inferior *without question or analysis*. Try and avoid pointing the fact out directly; come at it from a more oblique point of view.

For instance, instead of saying: "Also, she was a girl in a male dominated society and attacking a man would not get her far at all" you could try suggesting her thoughts at this point with something like "Also, as a woman, she knew she was too weak in body and will for her attack to be successful".

Still liking the sections with Caprice and Ekit. The mistaken words... sometimes quite bizzare... really give a feel that the spacer usually talks differently. A development of this might be more of your characters picking up the lingo...? I liked the lines in their last chapter, gold and green and stuff. I didn't have time to type it then, though, so this is retroactive appreciation of detail.
11/9/2005 c4 Celyn
Nice. I like the spacer language!
11/8/2005 c3 Celyn
"Determining that her guilt was an unreasonable and unintelligent outgrowth of her cultural rearing"

Wtf? Come on, if this girl has been raised in a certain perspective her entire life, she will view everything from that perspective without even realising it. You either need to write a very submissive character who considers herself quite weak... which you've started quite well, despite her considerations of escape and that above sentence... or one who is a permanent state of internal rebellion, in which case rewrite the last few chapters.

I mean, if you stole something from a shop and then felt guilty about it, would you tell yourself it was was an unreasonable and unintelligent outgrowth of your cultural rearing? No. You'd think you deserved it, even though it is a cultural state. If society encouraged theft, you'd be proud of yourself instead.
11/8/2005 c2 Celyn
Demurely. Great word.

Watch your use of apostrophes with "s". Only use an apostrophe with "it's" as a contraction of "it is"; the possessive form is "its" the same kind of thing as "his" or "theirs", and remember that for other words a plural has no apostrophe but a contraction or a possessive do (so "it's rotor's" should read "its rotors").

Cool stuff. Your description and narrative are good, and I want to see what comes next.
11/8/2005 c1 Celyn
1st paragraph, you need a "laid" instead of a "lay".

Good story, strong description and characters, moving on to next chappie now.
11/7/2005 c1 Ushi
Hey, you wrote stuff! Awesome!

The title of this story makes me really happy. As does the first chapter. All looks very promising, can't wait to read the rest!

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