for The Tempest Team 01: The Coming Storm4/1/2013 c7 Guest
Please do more if you can
Please do more if you can
10/8/2006 c7 
19phantom-jedi
Good beginning! I will look forward to future issues.
One thing: when you have dialogue, like in Chapter 7:
"Shut up." Said Helen absently.
The "said" should not be capitalized. Correct format would be:
"Shut up," said Helen absently.
This happens a number of times: sorry I can't record them all here.
Other than my nit-picking grammer, it is a good story line. Do continue.
phantom_jedi
19phantom-jediGood beginning! I will look forward to future issues.
One thing: when you have dialogue, like in Chapter 7:
"Shut up." Said Helen absently.
The "said" should not be capitalized. Correct format would be:
"Shut up," said Helen absently.
This happens a number of times: sorry I can't record them all here.
Other than my nit-picking grammer, it is a good story line. Do continue.
phantom_jedi
7/28/2006 c7 6Andre' Betita
I've just finished reading this issue and I can't wait to get started on the next one. What's really so good about this story is that it's about the characters more than anything else. Each person has a unique personality such that, in dialogues, readers know who's talking even if it's not indicated.
6Andre' BetitaI've just finished reading this issue and I can't wait to get started on the next one. What's really so good about this story is that it's about the characters more than anything else. Each person has a unique personality such that, in dialogues, readers know who's talking even if it's not indicated.
7/26/2006 c2 Andre' Betita
I've read two chapters so far, and I've decided that this is definitely something I'd have to continue reading. Why? First: Superheroes are COOL! Second: Superhero teams are EVEN COOLER!
I'll keep reading this one!
I've read two chapters so far, and I've decided that this is definitely something I'd have to continue reading. Why? First: Superheroes are COOL! Second: Superhero teams are EVEN COOLER!
I'll keep reading this one!
7/19/2006 c7 festivus
Awesome story! I love it! I'm looking forward to reading Times of Trial and any further installments you have in mind for this series.
All in all it was beautifully written, but there were a few areas where I thought could be improved. Mainly in the descriptions of areas the Tempest Team was in, or areas you vaguely refered to. The warehouse in the industrial park, the training room with the robotics equipment, and the lobby of Agent Munroe's office, for instance. If you spiced these up with some detailed layout descriptions it would really pull the reader in a lot more. It was really difficult to properly visualize the chracters moving around in these areas since the descriptions weren't detailed enough.
Awesome story! I love it! I'm looking forward to reading Times of Trial and any further installments you have in mind for this series.
All in all it was beautifully written, but there were a few areas where I thought could be improved. Mainly in the descriptions of areas the Tempest Team was in, or areas you vaguely refered to. The warehouse in the industrial park, the training room with the robotics equipment, and the lobby of Agent Munroe's office, for instance. If you spiced these up with some detailed layout descriptions it would really pull the reader in a lot more. It was really difficult to properly visualize the chracters moving around in these areas since the descriptions weren't detailed enough.
6/29/2006 c7 3jimgoo
I like this, but admittedly some parts are better than others. You're good at descriptions, but not so much at dialogues. Try not to overdo it with substituting the word "said," and punctuate properly. For example, in
“Oh, it was buried below the warehouse.” Said Zach, fiddling with his napkin.
replace the period after "warehouse" with a comma, and keep the word "said" in lowercase (unless, of course, they do it differently in Scotland).
I like Zach, but the characters and the premise, as you've noted, are kind of cliched. But overall, this isn't bad. Just give it another edit and it'll be pretty good. :)
3jimgooI like this, but admittedly some parts are better than others. You're good at descriptions, but not so much at dialogues. Try not to overdo it with substituting the word "said," and punctuate properly. For example, in
“Oh, it was buried below the warehouse.” Said Zach, fiddling with his napkin.
replace the period after "warehouse" with a comma, and keep the word "said" in lowercase (unless, of course, they do it differently in Scotland).
I like Zach, but the characters and the premise, as you've noted, are kind of cliched. But overall, this isn't bad. Just give it another edit and it'll be pretty good. :)
6/22/2006 c7 9SapphireIris
Since you asked nice, yes, I'll put it in R3. You might have to wait a bit before you see it though, I've still got like, five more people waiting on me... anyway, this story is really cool. I'm going to go read the next one now :)
-SapphireIris
9SapphireIrisSince you asked nice, yes, I'll put it in R3. You might have to wait a bit before you see it though, I've still got like, five more people waiting on me... anyway, this story is really cool. I'm going to go read the next one now :)
-SapphireIris
6/9/2006 c1 5Nikki the Hypie
I really like the opening line. Right away it snatches my attention. And the line "I suppose this is an offer I cannot refuse" made me think of The Godfather (one of my most favorite books/movie (series)), so that made me smile. William Blake is my favorite poet, too! I believe I'm going to like this story very much. :)
5Nikki the HypieI really like the opening line. Right away it snatches my attention. And the line "I suppose this is an offer I cannot refuse" made me think of The Godfather (one of my most favorite books/movie (series)), so that made me smile. William Blake is my favorite poet, too! I believe I'm going to like this story very much. :)
4/14/2006 c7 132samwise606
*Applauds* It is difficult to express how much I enjoyed the ending here and the story as a whole. I really liked the personification of the warehouse at the beginning, "The warehouse was dying" and all that. Cool. And it was really cool that William got powers, I had been hoping he would. When he fell out of the building but then suddenly could fly, it reminded me of a similar situation on the superhero movie Sky High (also with a character named Will). And Oanna is joining the team! That's really cool, I had been hoping since last issue that she would do so. And good choices of codenames, too-you got away from the normal ones into more original stuff, which is often hard to do. Are those all real words? I'll have to look them up...And more foreshadowing (from Crowe) on the crystal! Uh-oh, wonder what'll happen in issue two? And what's going on between Rik and Helen? Okay, needless question, but I wanted to address the issue of a romance within the team, since those are fairly common as well. At the beginning I had been picturing Zach and Helen, but yours was a good choice too. Just a few grammatical errors to point out: Often after a quotation, you capitalized the word said instead of just leaving it lowercase. And there's this line: “Thank you, Oanna, you have been through a traumatic experience and I can understand that you are suitable upset by it." Suitably upset by it, maybe? Those are pretty much little things, but I just thought you'd like to know. Congratulations on this whole work...I will start on issue two as soon as possible, though I can't say that's going to be all that soon because I've already made commitments to other stories, both reading and writing (remember, issue two of my story later this month!) But I'll try, and eagerly await it! Great job!-Samwise
132samwise606*Applauds* It is difficult to express how much I enjoyed the ending here and the story as a whole. I really liked the personification of the warehouse at the beginning, "The warehouse was dying" and all that. Cool. And it was really cool that William got powers, I had been hoping he would. When he fell out of the building but then suddenly could fly, it reminded me of a similar situation on the superhero movie Sky High (also with a character named Will). And Oanna is joining the team! That's really cool, I had been hoping since last issue that she would do so. And good choices of codenames, too-you got away from the normal ones into more original stuff, which is often hard to do. Are those all real words? I'll have to look them up...And more foreshadowing (from Crowe) on the crystal! Uh-oh, wonder what'll happen in issue two? And what's going on between Rik and Helen? Okay, needless question, but I wanted to address the issue of a romance within the team, since those are fairly common as well. At the beginning I had been picturing Zach and Helen, but yours was a good choice too. Just a few grammatical errors to point out: Often after a quotation, you capitalized the word said instead of just leaving it lowercase. And there's this line: “Thank you, Oanna, you have been through a traumatic experience and I can understand that you are suitable upset by it." Suitably upset by it, maybe? Those are pretty much little things, but I just thought you'd like to know. Congratulations on this whole work...I will start on issue two as soon as possible, though I can't say that's going to be all that soon because I've already made commitments to other stories, both reading and writing (remember, issue two of my story later this month!) But I'll try, and eagerly await it! Great job!-Samwise
4/11/2006 c7 Luciferian
new commtn, and hour on or so! betty i am so impressed, *sheds a tear*well done my dear, i am not sure if i will move on the next story as time for sleep, but wow! i see rik and helen pairing, xach and oanna pairing and william and allica pairing in the future? lol we will see
btw do i remeber you saying one chaacture was based on me? i cant remeber it isnt dr..corukus? was it? or is that another story
new commtn, and hour on or so! betty i am so impressed, *sheds a tear*well done my dear, i am not sure if i will move on the next story as time for sleep, but wow! i see rik and helen pairing, xach and oanna pairing and william and allica pairing in the future? lol we will see
btw do i remeber you saying one chaacture was based on me? i cant remeber it isnt dr..corukus? was it? or is that another story
4/11/2006 c1 Luciferian
my dear, i do so read this story, i have the time, well rather than study lol but i have begun be proud and i am so sorry! infct be impressed that i navigated the web and found it online! i felt your pages were too clean for me to touch so i am going ot read all online, i assume that it is all more up to date as well!
ah my dear a guess who i am , you know who i am surely
love ya xx
my dear, i do so read this story, i have the time, well rather than study lol but i have begun be proud and i am so sorry! infct be impressed that i navigated the web and found it online! i felt your pages were too clean for me to touch so i am going ot read all online, i assume that it is all more up to date as well!
ah my dear a guess who i am , you know who i am surely
love ya xx
3/31/2006 c6 samwise606
I'm still enjoying this story and I enjoy that the plot is thickening quite a bit. This was probably the climax of sorts, as the bad guys got away, the good guys met an ally and rescued their friend, etc. Just a few things I wanted to comment on. A few grammatical errors, most of them minor, but it looks like you acidentally cut out a few lines here:
"...That might have been because he wouldn't have... known what they are." She twisted her tail round nervously in her again?" asked Rik, shutting the door to the store-room he'd been examining.
Might want to look into fixing that. I liked the description of Convosa, as always a "logical" man, and then he abandoned Erica and she got the crystal. At first when that happened I surmised that she might gain powers and become a major villain later...then she got crushed by rubble, but in the superhero world people often aren't really dead and/or come back to life. Why, that's what's happening in my hero story with Dr. Edwa-er, I mean, uh, of course not! *nervous laughter* Nope, I definitely didn't just give away the plot and a future villain...Heh heh heh...Just one last thing: I'm still annoyed by Rik's choice of language, especially since your bio says you're a Christian, I'm not sure you should do that. Other than that, I have really enjoyed the story so far. Keep it up, and I shall be finishing the first one soon!-Samwise
I'm still enjoying this story and I enjoy that the plot is thickening quite a bit. This was probably the climax of sorts, as the bad guys got away, the good guys met an ally and rescued their friend, etc. Just a few things I wanted to comment on. A few grammatical errors, most of them minor, but it looks like you acidentally cut out a few lines here:
"...That might have been because he wouldn't have... known what they are." She twisted her tail round nervously in her again?" asked Rik, shutting the door to the store-room he'd been examining.
Might want to look into fixing that. I liked the description of Convosa, as always a "logical" man, and then he abandoned Erica and she got the crystal. At first when that happened I surmised that she might gain powers and become a major villain later...then she got crushed by rubble, but in the superhero world people often aren't really dead and/or come back to life. Why, that's what's happening in my hero story with Dr. Edwa-er, I mean, uh, of course not! *nervous laughter* Nope, I definitely didn't just give away the plot and a future villain...Heh heh heh...Just one last thing: I'm still annoyed by Rik's choice of language, especially since your bio says you're a Christian, I'm not sure you should do that. Other than that, I have really enjoyed the story so far. Keep it up, and I shall be finishing the first one soon!-Samwise
3/25/2006 c5 samwise606
Ok, sorry I haven't read much more of this lately, I've been busy working on my own superhero story, but now that that I've got that started and on the site, I'm back to reading yours. I really enjoyed this chapter, exciting action and funny humor too. My favorite parts were Zach's unmatched deduction skills, and then finding out that Alicia is an alien and he says, "I'll break it to them gently" and then it's like "Alicia's an alien!" Lol. I'm also glad that Helen is starting to correct Rik's language, I never much liked that part of him. And I'll look forward to see what happens as the bad guys start to escape and the TT must rescue William and the other test subjects! Keep up the great writing.-Samwise
Ok, sorry I haven't read much more of this lately, I've been busy working on my own superhero story, but now that that I've got that started and on the site, I'm back to reading yours. I really enjoyed this chapter, exciting action and funny humor too. My favorite parts were Zach's unmatched deduction skills, and then finding out that Alicia is an alien and he says, "I'll break it to them gently" and then it's like "Alicia's an alien!" Lol. I'm also glad that Helen is starting to correct Rik's language, I never much liked that part of him. And I'll look forward to see what happens as the bad guys start to escape and the TT must rescue William and the other test subjects! Keep up the great writing.-Samwise
3/15/2006 c4 samwise606
Their first mission...The plot thickens! Good to see the team in action, and the mermaid you alluded to in the summary. Now there is strife within the team, and the leader has been captured! Not looking to good, but I'll see how they get out next time...-Samwise
Their first mission...The plot thickens! Good to see the team in action, and the mermaid you alluded to in the summary. Now there is strife within the team, and the leader has been captured! Not looking to good, but I'll see how they get out next time...-Samwise
3/10/2006 c3 samwise606
Still liking this very much. The description of the equipment was interesting, and it was comical to see Zach being so naive. "Is it dangerous?" Haha. (That's why the X-Men's training equipment is called the Danger Room!) But it's always cool to see new heroes testing their powers and working as a team for the first time, learning how to get along together, etc. And I'm really liking the humorous clashes caused by the personality differences. Cool to see William's thoughts of everybody else. The chapter titles are cool, the continuing storm theme and all. Keep up the good work!-Samwise
Still liking this very much. The description of the equipment was interesting, and it was comical to see Zach being so naive. "Is it dangerous?" Haha. (That's why the X-Men's training equipment is called the Danger Room!) But it's always cool to see new heroes testing their powers and working as a team for the first time, learning how to get along together, etc. And I'm really liking the humorous clashes caused by the personality differences. Cool to see William's thoughts of everybody else. The chapter titles are cool, the continuing storm theme and all. Keep up the good work!-Samwise