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3/15/2008 c2 8SwordoftheKing
Well that kinda sucks... for the character, I mean. Goes through all that crap in childhood just to do something like that? SERIOUSLY sucks to be him! Well, I guess he sort'a realized that, what with the bridge and all... Awe... no Christmas?

ANYWHO- I liked it! Does a good job of getting the reader interested in the character and what happens to him, and for the most part the word flow was good. Now for a few notes...

"The day he was born, his mother had died of prenatal enclampsia (sp), and had cut open her corpse to find a healthy baby boy." Umm- the way it's written right now, his mother cut open her own corpse to find the baby. I don't think that works... For fixing- it'd probably work well enough to just write in who did the cutting after the 'and'. Like 'and the doctors had' or whatever.

"Not to mention all the hookers trafficking through their modest home." Grammatically speaking- 'not to mention' doesn't actually work here. It makes the sentence into an incomplete thought, and doesn't actually tie (directly) into the sentence before. 'Then there's also' might work or something like that, but 'not to mention' doesn't.

"Being the genius that he was, Aden waithed until they forgot his disdraught phone call, made a few molotov cocktails, and got rid of his problem once and for all." 'waithed' 'waited', 'disdraught' 'distraught', and I think 'molotov' is supposed to be capitalized. (Actually- you might want to run the whole piece through spell check again. I only noticed the 'waithed' to begin with, and the reviewer box's checking function picked out the other things, so it's quite possible I've missed things.)

"Every positive thought inhis college-going mind was focused on Jenny." 'in his'. Needs a space.

"Her eyes were lifeless, thier starry twinkle gone." 'their'

That's it for now... later!
8/15/2007 c1 SwordoftheKing
A well written piece- I've no real grammatical or plot criticisms to offer, only a few things that are more personal taste.



When you say "They'd known each other since approximately the cradle" it seems sort of, overly complex. Mayhaps it'd be better to just say 'They'd known each other almost since birth' or something like that? Also- it might be easier to read if there were an additional line break or something before "Trying not to wake Dominick", just to show that there's a break in the timing.



But like I said- personal taste. Keep up the good work, and I'll try to review the rest swiftly. (I'm working on a borrowed internet connection at the moment.)
1/23/2007 c4 82Solemn Coyote
Uh...that last review of mine wasn't a flame. Really. Please let me keep my sternum. *ahem* So, review.

1) Once again, your prose is very blunt. This isn't a bad thing, but you might want to try one of two things with it. Either throw in the occasional fancy sentence to offset it, or go minimalist. Short sentences. Brief thoughts. Poetic bluntness. Or just write the way you'd normally talk. This is in first person, so no one could fault you for that.

2)"Thoughts of suicide crossed your mind, I knew." I think, since your knowing continues into present tense, you might want to use 'I know'.

3) I do like how your story takes on an almost mystical quality towards the end. Sometimes human emotions reach such a pitch that they change the world around us. Maybe that's not magic, per se, but it's close. And, in any story, it can become magic.

4) Once again, this story feels more like a jumping-off point for something bigger.
1/23/2007 c3 Solemn Coyote
I'm trying, honestly, but this chapter hurts my brain. I can't decide whether I'm missing something to its cleverness, or if it's just meant to be this way. Either way, kinda crude and random. Also, you broke your own rule about weird fonts.
1/22/2007 c2 Solemn Coyote
To respond to your reviews: I think I might actually write a sequel for Faustus. Writing anything takes me a while, so I can't guarantee it'll pop up soon. But I'd like to write it. I'll let you know if I do.

1)"Nevermind that for now; let's get to the action." This is a little interesting, actually. It's a nice line. It made me grin a bit, but at the end of the paragraph you jump right out of the action. Maybe you could linger on Aden just a bit longer?

2)"The day he was born, his mother had died of prenatal enclampsia (sp), and had cut open her corpse to find a healthy baby boy." That makes it sound like she cut her own corpse open. Which is morbid and disturbing. However, nice touch with the 'prenatal enclampsia'. It adds a significant dose of realism to the story.

3)"He was forced to wear turtlenecks and long sleeves, and often tanned his skin to help hide the bruises." Oh, Gods.

4)"By then, Aden's father had decided that hookers were too expensive, and started molesting his son." Jeeze. Your prose is blunt as a sledgehammer. For less of an emotion gutpunch and more of a creepy sensation, you could leave off the 'and started molesting his son'. It'd be implied, instead.

5) "Jenny...

No Christmas." A powerful ending line.

6)"With that, a mysterious gust of wind rocked the bridge. Aden lost his balance, and tumbled to the waters below." That felt suspiciously like a Deus Ex Machina. Aden started to turn his character around, so, to preserve the tragedy, the wind killed him. Overall, I think you have the basis for an interesting story here. The Jeckyll/Hyde chemical caught my eye, at least. Also Aden's conflicted morality. You could do more with this if you so chose.
1/17/2007 c1 Solemn Coyote
These are shorter stories than I'm used to. I'll try to be equally concise with my reviews.

1)"Despite everything, all the love she had for him," This isn't a bad line, but it feels almost objective. Romance is a very subjective thing, which is one of the reasons why everyone has a different idea of beauty. Saying 'she was very in love with him' isn't as powerful as describing how she was in love with him. You could even chop out the whole "Despite everything...satisfactorily" line and just let her dissasisfaction with the poem, and her anger at not being able to write better imply her feelings for Dominick.

2) Not too much to critique for the rest of the poem. The two half-finished poems and the one ending poem were a nice touch, though.
12/2/2006 c6 MyOwnBestCritic
OMFG! This chappy was so scary! youll give me nightmares, damnit!

~-+-~MyOwnBestCritic~-+-~
11/30/2006 c6 Kitsune-Chan
SUIKA-CHAN! This was so...so...Amazing! I love it! ^_^ You're actualy a really good writer! See ya on the bus watermelon-head! XP
7/27/2006 c1 Macbeth
You won't read any story where the characters have unrealistic hair and eye color, but do you even realize that gray eyes and silver-blonde hair isn't exactly commonplace in the realm of reality? PLease don't take this as a flame, but I mean, seriously, you shouldn't advise people not to use a method that you just flaunted yourself.
7/27/2006 c1 Macbeth
You won't read any story where the characters have unrealistic hair and eye color, but do you even realize that gray eyes and silver-blonde hair isn't exactly commonplace in the realm of reality? PLease don't take this as a flame, but I mean, seriously, you shouldn't advise people not to use a method that you just flaunted yourself.
4/19/2006 c2 Ahemait
weird again, but i definitely liked this one better. you have two grammatical error i foudn in there. "thought inhis" and "thier starry twinkle gone". but still very good!
4/19/2006 c1 Ahemait
that was very short, but also good. i liked how, even thoguh it was short, you managed to get develop cassidy's character. and thanks for the review!
1/31/2006 c3 1Lady Flames
*long, slow blink*

Yeah.

I only read this last one... not much time, see?

Okay, so... a warning. Script format is not generally considered a story. I'd advise against it.

But otherwise... your characters sound alot like one of my personalities! .
1/6/2006 c1 16amethystdawn
It's very sweet. A simple happy story of a nice couple. It's not badly written, but you spelled "thought" without the "t" at the end. Other than that, fantastic work. ^^ keep writing!
1/5/2006 c3 6Anya Tempest
I'm not much interested in romance anyway, so I wasn't particularly drawn in by chapter one. I thought that you could have worked on making it easier to follow, because I wasn't sure at points what was going on. (In particular, when she got up and picked up her night-gown, it must have been too subtle for me.)

I liked chapter two, although I noticed spelling errors that I didn't pick up on in chapters one and three. Perhaps your proof-reading wasn't as thorough? For example:

"honey-colered eyes" - even going by the American spelling I'm pretty sure it should be "colored".

There was also a sentence which I didn't think made much sense:

"his mother had died of prenatal enclampsia (sp), and had cut open her corpse to find a healthy baby boy."

That should perhaps be "the doctors had cut open her corpse" - because the way you've worded it sounds as though the corpse cut herself open.

I thought that the ending was nice and powerful though, so I liked it.

Chapter three was...odd... I didn't like it very much, no offence. I thought it was kind of pointless.
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