for Pretty Poison6/6/2006 c1 
2Surrendra Hardu
Interesting. This could definately use a little work. The whole thing seems to be a broad over-exaggeration of high-school/college life. It's a little... cliché, if you know what I mean.
2Surrendra HarduInteresting. This could definately use a little work. The whole thing seems to be a broad over-exaggeration of high-school/college life. It's a little... cliché, if you know what I mean.
1/27/2006 c1 ii
Wow, that was good. I really liked it. I guess what I have to say again is that you really need to separate your paragraphs so only one person speaks in each. Another thing is that you should watch the homonyms their/they're/there and it's/its. I noticed that you swear a lot with all characters and I was thinking that maybe you could reserve that to one so the swearing doesn't get excessive. When you switched POV, I was a little confused at first, so I think maybe if you moved "Merciless Warlock" to another chapter, or even put it in bold, it would be easier to notice that it was a POV change.When you have so many female characters, it's hard to know which "she" you're referring to, so you might try using their names when it could be confusing. I noticed that particularly in the beginning.I like your use of words in this piece. They're expressive enough to show you have a good command of the language and they're colorful too.Those are some bad kids. I hope you update this. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens. :-)
Wow, that was good. I really liked it. I guess what I have to say again is that you really need to separate your paragraphs so only one person speaks in each. Another thing is that you should watch the homonyms their/they're/there and it's/its. I noticed that you swear a lot with all characters and I was thinking that maybe you could reserve that to one so the swearing doesn't get excessive. When you switched POV, I was a little confused at first, so I think maybe if you moved "Merciless Warlock" to another chapter, or even put it in bold, it would be easier to notice that it was a POV change.When you have so many female characters, it's hard to know which "she" you're referring to, so you might try using their names when it could be confusing. I noticed that particularly in the beginning.I like your use of words in this piece. They're expressive enough to show you have a good command of the language and they're colorful too.Those are some bad kids. I hope you update this. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens. :-)