1/4/2006 c1 6Gilee7
- Nichole’s mind was on nothing but a shadowed figure in front of her. How did she get there? Was she dreaming?-It's unclear who the "She" is in these sentences, even though I know that they're Nichole. I wasn't sure at first until I kept reading on. We have the first sentence of her waking up to see a shadowed figure, and the next sentence says: "How did she get there?" Well, that reads like it's the shadowed figure who's being referred to as "she." This problem occurs a few more times in the story, although I think I made note of all of them to point them out for you. This is an easy mistake to make, though. The writer always knows what he/she means; the readers are the ones who get confused. I would also recommend you changing "there" to "here" since it gives it the story that right here, right now feel. So change that second sentence to something like "Nichole thought to herself: 'How did I get here?" or "Nichole didn't know how she had gotten here" or just something, there are many ways to do it. Just make sure the reader knows who it's being directed at.

-If she was, then why when she turned and ran could she feel the sticks, and stones bruising and cutting her feet with each leap she took?- I think you think that you have to put a comma anytime you use the word 'and,' which isn't the case. Sometimes you need to, but not always. A lot of people seem to think that for some reason. Like in this sentence right here, the comma really interrupts the flow. Take it out.

- She was rushing blindly, running through the limbs, brushing through the spider’s webs to escape the ominous thing behind her.- Make it "spider webs" instead of the current way; unless of course there is only one spider that has spun all the webs she's running through, which is the way the apostrophe makes it read.

-The silhouette behind her was laughing, sounding rather at ease and relaxed with chasing her. Very athletic she assumed. She had always been athletic as well.- This is the exact same problem that was wrong with the first thing I pointed out in this review. It's unclear who we're talking about. "Very athletic she assumed." Who is that directed towards? Is Nichole thinking it about the silhouette, is it what she thinks the silhouette is thinking about her? Change the "she" to Nichole so nobody will be confused. Since we don't know the sex of the silhouette yet, all these "shes" make it confusing.

-But none-the-less she tore them away, despite how they ripped into her hands, and arms.- Another case of an unneeded comma that interrupts the flow. This is a chase scene; things are chaotic and going by at a face pace; we don't need to have all these short pauses that these commas bring.

-At least he was getting just as scratched as she was- So it's a guy who is chasing her then? This is the first time this fact is revealed, and it's a little odd. How do we know it's a guy suddenly? What is it about the silhouette that makes Nichole recognize the sex of the figure? I'm guessing it's his voice since this fact is revealed after the silhouette speaks, so tell us that. Write something about how Nichole could tell it was a guy because of how deep his voice was, or some other thing about his voice that would give away his sex.

-“I smell blood.” Taunted the voice of the tireless monster- This is another common error I've been seeing that I usually overlook but you need to learn it. This should be written like this: "I smell blood," taunted the voice of the tireless monster. Do you see what I did? The second part isn't a complete sentence; it's connected with the dialogue. Excample: "Hey," says Bob. Not "Hey." Says Bob. This problem occurs many times and I'm not going to bother to point it out anymore because I'm writing a lot in this review so far and I have much more to say.

-Nichole was staring up at her ceiling, on her bed, in her bedroom.- You can't see italics in reviews, but I really like your use of italics in this sentence.

-She hadn’t even time to ask.- Awkward.

-An ice cold hand gripped her tiny neck, and her eyes grew wide.- O, it's like that poem I just read! Ice cold hands!

-Nichole’s eyes sprang open, and she sat upright in bed, gasping, clutching the covers to her chin. “Chad! Oh my god!”- I'm not sure why exactly I wanted to point this out. I think because we see the name Chad a few paragraphs before when she's calling out for help so the name isn't unfamiliar to us, and I like that. I was expecting Chad to be her roommate though and not her brother.

-“I’m sorry. I had a… horrible dream,” which was odd, since her dreams with him in them were never bad. They were always sensual, and her panties would be soaking when she woke.- This is the third time I'm pointing out this kinda thing. It isn't clear who the "him" is. With her brother just talking right before this sentence, it reads like she fantasizes about her brother and that's the reasons her panties become so wet. I was like whoa, we have a sudden incestuous twist. But then you read on and find out it's that guy she made up, the one who chasing her, that makes her wet. It's gotta be clearer, unless of course you want everybody thinking this girl has wet dreams about her brother, which is quite gross. Although this kinda does come into play later on when Chad turns out to be the scary bad guy.

-The cold was creeping up on her again, starting with the soles of her feet, then making it’s way upward, passed her knees, her hips, her breasts and finally shrouding her with the iciness.- *past* not 'passed.' I've pointed this out a few times now. In cases like this, 'past' is the word you need. "Passed" usually involves objects, like "He passed the football" or "He passed him the salt." And past is used for time and for distance: "They drove past the stoplight." It's all rather confusing really.

-It was like pulling against a steel cuff.- So this girl has either been arrested before or she's into the S&M stuff.

-“Scream, Nichole. Scream so loud that you wake the dead.”- I'm confused about this. Does the guy say this? It reads more like it's Nichole who says it and that makes more sense, but it also reads like she says it out loud and that makes no sense whatsoever. I'm guessing this was meant to be a thought, so it should be in italics to symbolize that.

-She pushed, and his cold muscular chest, like black polished granite only pushed back harder.- Need a comma after "granite."

-Closing scene; the dream blackens.- I decided not to make mention of the "Opening scene" at the beginning of the story because I hadn't read it yet and didn't know how that would come into play. But I see now that it didn't. Not until now. This does't work for me. It makes the story seem like a scene from a movie or play-cue the curtain-but the story doesn't read in a cinematic way. I mean I can definitely see this as a horror movie; but these "Opening scene" and "Closing scene" sentences just seem out of place. Get rid of them.

Son of a crackhead I've wrote a lot! I was glad to read a story by you rather than poetry. Although you're a decent poet, much better than myself, I think you're much better at prose and story-telling. You have a good imagination that's also twisted and sick, and that's a very fun combo that I really admire and respect.

I must say there was never a dull moment in this story. It starts out with a bang and ends with a bang and there's never a slow moment. You don't let the reader take a deep breath because there's this constant suspense throughout the piece, so congrats on that. You did a very good job with that. You stretched moments out to add to that suspense, and you mixed the writing with physical things and mental things to make us all the more attached. That was probably the biggest strength of this piece.

I'm not as big on this piece, though, as your other two reviewerers. It seems incredibly cliched at times and for awhile I thought it was going to be just like every other horror story. We have a lot of the same elements, a lot of the same things happen. Like with the girl waking from the dream only to find that it was real and she has the marks to prove it. That's in like every horror movie ever made. But depite all that, the story ends on a good note; it seems fresh at the end. It's clearly a retread of common water, but you switch it up a bit and make it yours. I'd prefer something more original, but you took overdone scenes from the horror genre and added your own twist, and you were successful in the end.

Was this story scary? Not to me. But I'm not easily scared. I don't seem to find anything scary these days. When I was a kid I was afraid of everything. It's quite a contrast.

This story could be stronger. It had its share of mistakes, mostly technical, which isn't a huge deal. But there were bigger things, too. You say this is a "Prologue" so I'm guessing there is going to be more; but yet the story feels like a one shot. I can't imagine there being any more to this. Maybe there is, though. If so, you've certainly gotten off to a very good start. A very exciting start.

Write on, K. Silence.

12/10/2005 c1 18Knightmare Elite
It really pains me to say this, but that was seriously awesome. The introductory chase scene was deadon. Each intricate detail sprinkled about really brought it to live, especially the progresion of her cuts and anxiety.

Few people really spend the time to really flesh out the characters termoil, mentally AND physically. I applaud you with a friendly slap across the cheek for that.

Once you get into the meat of the prologue, then things really took a sureal turn. The imagery was well done, this is definately some of your beter work...and I've seen your work...anway.

I can really feel for Nichole in her fears, and complete lack of control. She was so helpless but at the same time she wasn't. It was what she desired just how how she desired it, very layered and that's a good thing.

So as I fight away this fatigue, I say excellent work, and you're actually improving. And I'm really shocked you managed to be so conservative with the F Bomb, it's your trademark word.

I noticed one small slip up, it was pretty funny. 'as she climbed from beneath the colors' I'm sure you meant covers. Anyway...I'm leaving.