Just In
for The Tempest Team: Times Of Trial

1/16/2006 c8 2SSSSS
Great job on your latest chapter-very interesting. I spotted a number of small errors and junk, but I can't really take the time to point them out; sorry, bad mood. Maybe I'll get a chance to point them out later on.

1/11/2006 c7 dark672
it's good
1/8/2006 c7 zspete
I like the rewrite. The first draft was a little confusing.
1/8/2006 c7 1Anters
I have finally finished both chapters, and I must say that these new chapters are much better and extremely entertaining! And, what’s more, I found many things rather humorous!

I’ve sort’v ignored writing style these past two chapters, because I found it fine as it was in these chapters, and didn’t really want to delve into it. I was focused more on the story aspect, which, as always, was awesome!

I really didn’t find any nitpicks within the chapters either, as everything seemed pretty thorough! With that, I leave you with high hopes of an updation soon as I am very eager to see what is next!

1/8/2006 c7 thunderbolt and lightning
I really enjoy reading your stories and i dont see any thing wrong with your dialogue but mabey that is because thats how I write too mabey we are both wrong though XD ok bah bye now
1/8/2006 c7 33WyrdWolf
This part was cool, and the way Alicia found the bomb squad guy was way clever.

The dialogue is fine in this entry, and I found it easy to read. I anticipate coming events!

1/8/2006 c6 Sam M.C. Levy
Wow, very big change. Must read the next chapter. But first, I have to mention something. This has been bothering me quite a bit:

"Dialogue." Said So-and-So, "New sentence."

The correct format would be:

"Dialogue," said So-and-So. "New sentence."


Dialogue," said So-andSo, "rest of sentence."

I hope you understand what I mean. If you don't, then please tell me; always want to make sense, so if I don't, I must know.


"'Why has someone written Clean Me on the side of this vehicle?' asked their leader, after a few seconds silence. Zach sniggered, and Alicia growled at him."

"Zach sniggered, and Alicia growled at him," should not be part of the same paragraph as William's speech. There are also parts where you seperate the dialogue from a paragraph about somebody. Dialogue is only in the same paragraph as the speaker's paragraph. If a paragraph involves more than one persons, then you put the speech in another paragraph.

I'm sorry this review is so long, and I hope you understand what I'm saying. Aside from all that junk I've listed, the chapter was good. Don't bother changing this stuff unless you really want to; I wouldn't want you to spend so much time adjusting all of this when it can already be understood properly.

1/7/2006 c6 Zspete
Cool story. I like the idea of Rik having venemous saliva. It sets him apart from your average superhero strongman
1/7/2006 c6 Ryustorm
The dialogue i think was better as i knew who were talking, but the setup of it was annoying and not realy your fault since there is literally a space after every other line, so did Zach do the lightening thing? or not? anyway an exicting chapter, i liked Helen's little rescue mission. I couldn't help wondering if there was too much talking and not enough description in some places.
1/1/2006 c6 1Anters
I’m sorry for my massive delay in a review. The town I live in was hit with a flash flood (on New Years Eve of all days) and I’ve been rather busy mending damages. I do hope you had a better New Years then me though!

Moving on. Actually, I found dialogue MORE confusing in this chapter then in your others. In this chapter, with every new sentence you start a new paragraph, which:

1) Looks poorly with a few words, then new paragraph which is a few words, then new paragraph and so on and so fourth.

2) With the start of a new paragraph, that usually symbolizes a new character speaking, but sometimes you put two or three lines said by one character in three separate consecutive paragraphs which could horribly confuse people (it confused me.)

Also, the thing about your chapters that really kept me interested was your discrete sense of descriptions about their speech, and environment for that matter, that felt missing in this chapter. Everything seemed so hasty.

And last point was the switching of sentences in italics. You wrote some sentence that resembled someone yelling (Zach) while other sentences in italics were merely thoughts (Helen), with no distinction between the two.

Anyways, I guess what that all means is I enjoyed your older dialogue better, lol.

Another little factor that I thought of as I read was things seemed pretty unrealistic in this chapter. First, if Zach is up at such a high altitude, breathing would be near impossible, much less talking. I understand William’s resistance to said problem, maybe due to the events of the previous story, but Zach doesn’t seem like he’d be able to talk and yell so high (unless this is something yet explained.)

Also, did the bomb have any sort of electrical charge that forced the lightning to hit it directly, because if not, there is about a 1 in a million chance the lightning would hit the bomb perfectly.

One last thing, near the end it is shown that Oanna gets Rik out of the way from the falling helicopter, yet with only a split second between her pushing Rik out of the way and the helicopter exploding, it wouldn’t make sense that the two would come out completely harmless (although I AM happy they did, lol.)

Alright, I totally feel like I’m doing nothing but bashing your story, which I’m sorry for, I didn’t mean for it to come out like this. Now, moving on to Pros!

I’m particularly glad Rik rejoined the team, and didn’t sabotage the other’s trust by betraying them (although, for a second in the last chapter, I honestly thought he’d turn!) Although it’d be interesting to see that story, I’d much rather stick to having him a hero!

Helen was particularly awesome in this chapter. I laughed at the part in which she knocked people out with the first aid kit, and went on thinking about the irony. If that line wasn’t already in the story, I know I’d of been thinking the exact same thing!

William and Zack were nice to be action-oriented in this chapter, especially the sort of chase scenes through the clouds. William is still a favorite of mine, but nowhere near the favoritism of Rik, Helen, and Oanna though!

All in all, this was a good chapter despite the atypical difficulties. Hopefully I don’t come across like being a royal a-s or something, but I truly appreciate and value the help you give me on my story, so I try and help you in the same regard, but I feel mine isn’t as good, lol.

Anyways, HAPPY NEW YEARS and really look forward to coming writings from you throughout this year! Also, I’ll be camping Wednesday-Friday, so if you don’t hear from me, that is the reason. Once again, have a nice 2006!

12/31/2005 c6 2SSSSS
Wow, one good, long, action-filled chapter. Ach! There's no more! You must update soon. I'll read your other stories later today, or tomorrow. Great job!

12/31/2005 c5 SSSSS
Well, that was a quick return. WOuld have been a bit more-I don't know-more "dramatic" if he had returned later in the story or in another issue. But still, this is a very good cha[ter. Mirror and Davidson are just like you typical bad guys. Hah. ANyways, I'm goanna get on to the next chapter.


P.S. Sorry to reply so late but, no, I have not seen the Shawn of the Dead.
12/31/2005 c6 dark672
it was good
12/31/2005 c4 SSSSS
Would've thought Rik would have accepted the offer; then again, maybe not. Interesting how it all works. I forgot to mention something from the last chapter. When you use quotes inside a quote, you use '. For example:

"Have you read 'The Lost World?'"

Anyways, that's about it.

12/31/2005 c3 SSSSS
So predictable, yet so great! You did a great job with the whole fight. Especially how Rik coughs up that phlegm onto William's face. Now I can see what Rik's got in his future, and it doesn't seem good; of course, I could be wrong. Next chapter!

59 « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service