Just In
for No Voice

4/12/2006 c1 16RuathaWehrling
Greetings! Thanks for your review of "Sirach". Yes, she does end up with that title... but when and how? :) You'll just have to tune in for more to learn!

Anyways, let me pay you back for your review now. I'll comment as I read!

1.) "So you do want me. I thought so." - This doesn't sound like something a little kid would say, especially when she's frightened. It'd work well for a teen or adult, but would a 6-year old really understand the adult meaning behind "you want me"?

2.) "I looked around, the street was quiet and no one was about. The noises inside the bar confirm that it’ll be a while before anyone else came outside." - Watch your verb tense! "looked" and "came" are past, but "confirm" is present! Pick one tense and stick with it, please.

3.) "Neither of them knew I was here, just a few feet down from them. My motto has always been “Stay out of my business and I’ll stay out of yours.” It’s worked so far," - Again, "it's" is present tense, while the rest is past. Be very careful about this. I'm going to stop commenting every time I see this mistake, but please check through the whole article carefully for similar instances. It'll make the piece a lot better!

4.) "my twenty three years of living" - Put a dash between 20 and 3 ("twenty-three"), since it's really one word.

5.) "do I choose to be a spectator and do nothing, or I stop it? " - Do you want to add a "do" after "or"?

6.) Wait... Matt (etc) are riding in a COP CAR? While drunk? And making such comments to a guy who hasn't done anything? That just seems a little odd, altogether. -shrug- Just my opinion.

7.) "His whimpers and cries for help motivated Jake and Matt more, calling him “You piece of shit” and “You motha fucking nigger!”" - maybe "so they called him" instead? As written, the black dude is the one doing the "calling"! Which obviously isn't what you mean.

8.) "College days, neva gonna forget them." - The "neva" here sounds odd. You used that sort of slang AWESOMELY in the dialogue, but does it really belong in the narrative part of the piece?

9.) "I screamed, every fiber in my body letting my raw guilt, hatred, anger and every other fucking emotion I felt be said in one word." - Are you missing a word somewhere around "felt"? Because as written, this sentence doesn't make much sense.

Wow! I really, really like the message you're saying here! You did a great job getting it across and should be really proud of how realistically you turned a weak character into a stronger one. The only plot-related suggestion I have is that, especially at the end, it's hard to figure out when the flashbacks end and the current-day scene restarts. Maybe some horizontal bars, or else the flashbacks in italics, or something might help?

As far as grammar critiques go, the main problem I saw was the flip-flopping verb tense. To fix that, read through the whole thing SLOWLY and ALOUD. Pay attention to each verb and make sure you're always using past (or another tense, if you want, but be consistant!)

Thanks and good luck writing! -Ruatha
2/10/2006 c1 1Brighde
Oh my god, you've done -such- a great job with this! The emotion and thoughts in it are SO raw and real!

Those poor people though, ugh, some of us are such shit. Racism, Rape, Molestation...it's disgusting. But you've given each issue the honesty it deserves and I really respect you for that.

The ending was excellent, I'm so glad she finally stood up in the face of what was wrong- ugh, I want to be the one yelling at that guy for the little girl so I'm glad she's at least doing something. The last line is especially powerful, good job, keep up the great writing! ^_^

-B. Blum
12/13/2005 c1 11arachibutyrophobia
u dont accept anon reviews.

it seems like u already got the technical problems out the way. great story, maybe you could have put the memories in italics, completely.

about time she got her voice, that guilt must be awful. i would probably be an incredibly depressed person. i just want to know why she didnt help kacie more, that wasn't as defined, w/ the lack dude you said a bit about her not wanting to get involved.

maybe if she was scarewd to seem less 'cool' or with kasie that she' 'asked for it', something like that. i dunno ur character lol.

12/11/2005 c1 24Sarah-Brighteyes
I found this a very interesting piece of work. I really love the different scenaries. It was almost a raunchy peice and I think it was meant to be that way. I do think some sort of seperate page break or pause would have worked for each different memory, but other than that very good format.

I also liked the way that this chick used her voice in the end and gave way to her gut feelings. bravo with that. Very good. Keep up the great writing.
12/10/2005 c1 6Gilee7
-The drunk swaying about, reached for the small young girl.- This seems really awkward, and I'm sure it's not even grammatically correct, but I can't say exactly why. I don't know the exact terms and definitions behind many english terms, but I know how to use them for the most part. This sentence would read much better as "The swaying drunk reached for the small young girl."

-The noises inside the bar confirmed that it’ll be a while before anyone else came outside.- This is a major recurring problem in the story. You constantly switch between present and past tense, which is very jarring to the story. It seems you want to make this story in the present, so everything should be written as if it's actually happening right then, and only the flashbacks should be written in past tense. For past tense, change "it'll" to "it would." Or if you want it to be present tense, change "confirmed" to "confirm."

-My motto has always been “Stay out of my business and I’ll stay out of yours”.- That period should be inside the quotatation marks.

-I’m always in a situation like this, do I choose to be a spectator and do nothing, a participant and join in or do I stop it?- This seems awkward, too. First off, change the beginning to "I'm always in situations like this.." For this situation she's talking about, wondering if she should "join in" seems very wrong and out of place, unless she's just really screwed up like the old drunk. How about get rid of that part, and just let it be "do I choose to be a spectator and do nothing, or do I stop it?"

-But my conscience always tickles at me.- "tickles" isn't a good word choice for this situation. I think of "tickles" as a cute and giggly Tickle-Me-Elmo kind of deal. Not something that a conscience would do. Choose a word that has more strength and power to it. A word like "grates" or something.

-Jake was a bit tipsy it seemed, he usually doesn’t say weird or any variation of it.- Put some punctuation around "weird."

-I just snorted, Jake saying “Oi” is just too funny- Another tense switch. "Is" should be "was."

-Jake and Matt got out of the car, walking to the sidewalk which seemed to be empty of people. I get out, wondering what crazy shit they were gonna do now- Since this is a flashback, it should all be told in past tense. The first half is, second half isn't. We have "got" but then you use "get." They have to agree.

-The man seemed to be telling the truth, he didn’t look nervous, he looked a bit angry though.- First off, you should have either a period or a semi-colon after "truth." And how about re-writing that second half so that it reads in an easier way; something like: "he didn't look nervous but he did look a bit angry."

-A fist came flying and landed on the man’s face.- Who's the man? I know who you're talking about, but one could easily make an argument that the "man" is either Matt or Jake. I know my English teacher would jump all over this sentence. Write "black man's face" so there will be no confusion.

-Matt then kneed the African American, sending all the air out of him.- Kneed him where?

-The poor man was bleeding everywhere, if he wasn’t careful he’ll choke on his own blood.- Tenses don't agree.

-He probably lost a couple teeth, and his body will be covered in bruises no time- Put an "in" between "bruises" and "no."

-The man hasn’t touched the girl yet, but he would soon.- Change "would" to "will."

-He looked like a real pervert too.- If you're gonna make it present tense, this should be "looks" instead of "looked." But you need a comma after "pervert."

-But if she did, he’ll be done with her now, she wasn’t moving, so I guess he thought he can enjoy it while it lasted- I found this very confusing. I have no idea what this was really saying.

-“This party was freakin’ awesome.” I said, fixing my skirt a bit, while stumbling to the group of guys at the side of the room.- Should be a comma after "awesome" instead of a period since it's connected by the "I said" afterwards. This was the first real time I realized that the narrator is a girl. She seems like a total guy throughout the story. I figured she might be a girl when she referred to Jake as her "guy friend." Only a girl would do that, but I wasn't sure until the "skirt" bit.

-It was true. Kacie was hot and beautiful, but known for her bitchiness and slut ways- Awkwardness. Make it "slutty" instead of just "slut."

-I grabbed the nearest guy and started making out with him, ignoring the “Let me go first’s” and the moans from the other guys.- Don't need the apostrophe on "firsts."

- The tears streamed out of my eyes, wetting my cheeks. God, the fucking guilt is unbearable! I wiped my cheeks and looked to my left.- First sentence is in past tense. Second sentence is in present. Third is in past again. They have to all agree; they gotta be the same!

-And Goddamn, it felt good.- I like this ending, but you could throw some more effort into it. Perhaps throw the word "so" into the sentence and an exclamation point, too. "And Goddamn, it felt so good!" Or just use the exclamation point. The "!" give it that "UNH!" feel.

I enjoyed this story. You really gotta get a handle on that tense situation, but overlooking that, this was a fun read. I like little disturbing things like this, and for a long time I didn't know if the narrator was going to speak up or let the little girl be molested. So nice job with the suspense. I like the two flashbacks. You handled those well, and they really explained this character's problem with not speaking up. I can relate, as I don't usually speak up when I should. I just sit back and never get involved, and I always kick myself later on, wishing that I had taken a stand.

Cool idea. Nice execution. Entertaining read.

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