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for Yours until Midnight

2/13/2006 c1 24Valentine's Disease
great, really great
1/27/2006 c1 8squiggle-line
Oh. I really like this.

Missing word? "I can still his eyes..."

"Dip-drop" nice alliteration!

Subject-verb confusion: no one's eyes are on anything...?

"But slight hurt can be traced through his swirling blue eyes." Why the hurt?

"His fountain glass is patterned with finger marks." ! What a great side observation from the narrator. Shows she's just as absorbed in watching him as he is with watching her.

"The clock is ticking on and on/Regardless of our needs to be here in this state and time/Forever." Forever refers to the clock, right? I think it's a bit confusing...I had to re-read it a couple of times to understand. Maybe separate the three lines from the rest of the poem more to make it seem like they're together?

"Dangled in time for only memories to hold" =D

"Watching like a lioness protecting her cub." Nice simile for his jealous feelings. I can imagine him circling her continuously.

"The party doesn't of course as things are throw and people cheer" Thrown instead of throw? I think the 'of course' sort of interrupts the pace of the sentence...

"His mouth silently whispers/'I'm yours'/And I'll add/'Until midnight.'" Throughout the whole piece, I'm wondering about their relationship. I mean, they're familiar with each other but neither of them make an overt romantic move until the kiss. The last four lines really clear up the nature of their cat-and-mouse relationship.

Okay...I think that's the longest review I've ever written. Sorry to ramble. I really liked this. Good, solid ending.

*off to read more!*
1/8/2006 c1 21Choke on this
love the wine and confetti imagery... did you notice you changed his eye color from brown to blue?... just noticed...
12/23/2005 c1 7BangBangYourDead
That's really good...

I like your style of writing.
12/18/2005 c1 1Ash Mah Kash
OMG i really like it!

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