for Sun and Star8/25/2009 c1 disused account
Interesting stuff here. Good dolouge. I tried a project like this once, and it fizzled out quickly. Keep writing.
Interesting stuff here. Good dolouge. I tried a project like this once, and it fizzled out quickly. Keep writing.
9/20/2008 c15 
5Emote Control
Your descriptions of things are great, almost Tolkeinesque. But Rakael helps her captors much too readily, unless you want to introduce a Stockholm Syndrome storyline, though this fic is already finished so my advice won't get through.
Anyway, Rakael should be trying to escape from the instant she sets foot on the ground. Also, the Emperor should be thinking things like this back when he agrees to let his daughter accompany him:
He was a wise man, and skilled in reading omens and understanding sybils. He knew that his daughter would be lost, and that he would grieve deeply for her. But while a man, or even an Emperor, may live his life as he wishes when the finger of fate does not touch him, when prophecy and Gods are present no mortal may change what is to be. If he forbid her to come, it would make no difference in the end. Better to take her forth, so that the loss would happen in the slave-lands - not here in the palace that was his home, for then he could never bring himself to return.
5Emote ControlYour descriptions of things are great, almost Tolkeinesque. But Rakael helps her captors much too readily, unless you want to introduce a Stockholm Syndrome storyline, though this fic is already finished so my advice won't get through.
Anyway, Rakael should be trying to escape from the instant she sets foot on the ground. Also, the Emperor should be thinking things like this back when he agrees to let his daughter accompany him:
He was a wise man, and skilled in reading omens and understanding sybils. He knew that his daughter would be lost, and that he would grieve deeply for her. But while a man, or even an Emperor, may live his life as he wishes when the finger of fate does not touch him, when prophecy and Gods are present no mortal may change what is to be. If he forbid her to come, it would make no difference in the end. Better to take her forth, so that the loss would happen in the slave-lands - not here in the palace that was his home, for then he could never bring himself to return.
5/22/2008 c2 3Solitary Fatalist
Okay.. Now you got me..
The world is brilliant.. The descriptions in this chapter are more balanced out than the previous, yet they retain the certain magical poesy present in the mix.. I like it a lot!
Gonna keep reading..
3Solitary FatalistOkay.. Now you got me..
The world is brilliant.. The descriptions in this chapter are more balanced out than the previous, yet they retain the certain magical poesy present in the mix.. I like it a lot!
Gonna keep reading..
5/21/2008 c1 Solitary Fatalist
It's been a long time since I've last been on the site.. My computer broke down some time before I finished reading.. I had to wait for it to get fixed..
Anyway.. This story is kinda different from what I've read from you so far.. Feels different.. The description is extraordinarily good, better, I think, than Slave to Dawn, but I think that's because the style is different.. I could feel the magic element in the story just from how you describe it.. Your imagination and vocabulary are marvelous! They really complement each other.. But...
It lacks... something.. I don't know but somehow, it's not very gripping.. I mean, you started the chapter quite well, but when the scene shifted to the description of Val Alora.. You kinda lost the readers' (my) attention.. I got the picture at first, but suddenly I was assaulted by the next wave of adjectives and similes.. I found it harder to form a clear image.. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the scenery was overdescriptive.. Don't get the wrong idea.. I'm like that too.. But if I could make a suggestion, try to insert some action WITH the descriptions.. Introduce characters with the place.. Like you did with Noon in the first chapter of Slave to Dawn..
That's just me though.. You're the writer, I'm just another one who likes and reviews your works.. Speaking of which, this review is getting lengthy.. I'd better stop.. XD
It's been a long time since I've last been on the site.. My computer broke down some time before I finished reading.. I had to wait for it to get fixed..
Anyway.. This story is kinda different from what I've read from you so far.. Feels different.. The description is extraordinarily good, better, I think, than Slave to Dawn, but I think that's because the style is different.. I could feel the magic element in the story just from how you describe it.. Your imagination and vocabulary are marvelous! They really complement each other.. But...
It lacks... something.. I don't know but somehow, it's not very gripping.. I mean, you started the chapter quite well, but when the scene shifted to the description of Val Alora.. You kinda lost the readers' (my) attention.. I got the picture at first, but suddenly I was assaulted by the next wave of adjectives and similes.. I found it harder to form a clear image.. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the scenery was overdescriptive.. Don't get the wrong idea.. I'm like that too.. But if I could make a suggestion, try to insert some action WITH the descriptions.. Introduce characters with the place.. Like you did with Noon in the first chapter of Slave to Dawn..
That's just me though.. You're the writer, I'm just another one who likes and reviews your works.. Speaking of which, this review is getting lengthy.. I'd better stop.. XD
6/21/2006 c62 JaveHarron
It's been quite a haul and a while since I started reading. But damn, this story had a very awesome quality to it. Grammar was awesome. Characters were good. The world was original. The technology and magic of the world seemed amazing. The battles were intense and well thought out. You should try to get this published.
It's been quite a haul and a while since I started reading. But damn, this story had a very awesome quality to it. Grammar was awesome. Characters were good. The world was original. The technology and magic of the world seemed amazing. The battles were intense and well thought out. You should try to get this published.
6/14/2006 c6 Richard0
Hey not bad...this story is getting interesting...but its as if the characters are being controlled by fate...what if Ramiraz just said 'no'? It would make it interesting.
Hey not bad...this story is getting interesting...but its as if the characters are being controlled by fate...what if Ramiraz just said 'no'? It would make it interesting.
6/13/2006 c1 Richard0
It is not bad...but you could improve...Your describtion is above average but when I read it I can see that if you work on it...it would be astonishing.
I can't read more right now and even if the plot seems a little hasty I'll read more.
It is not bad...but you could improve...Your describtion is above average but when I read it I can see that if you work on it...it would be astonishing.
I can't read more right now and even if the plot seems a little hasty I'll read more.
5/28/2006 c61 Greek Boy
Wow...totally not expecting that...
But anyways, this chapter was amazing, and the poetic way with which you wrote made it flow really well.
*Still in shock*...
And yes, please do provide the soppy ending...I would rather like to slog through more chapters of this story!
Wow...totally not expecting that...
But anyways, this chapter was amazing, and the poetic way with which you wrote made it flow really well.
*Still in shock*...
And yes, please do provide the soppy ending...I would rather like to slog through more chapters of this story!
5/26/2006 c61 1T. Com
Again, there's no need for thanks. Instead it is I who must thank you for weaving a splendidly original vision.
The final battle was spectacular and the ending, while a bit cliched with the self-sacrifice, truly fit the vein of the story.
I did have one question about Aethris. When did she buy the farm? I thought she was fighting with the legions. Or did she die during that struggle.
Anyway, it was my immense pleasure to read your story.
You the man.
1T. ComAgain, there's no need for thanks. Instead it is I who must thank you for weaving a splendidly original vision.
The final battle was spectacular and the ending, while a bit cliched with the self-sacrifice, truly fit the vein of the story.
I did have one question about Aethris. When did she buy the farm? I thought she was fighting with the legions. Or did she die during that struggle.
Anyway, it was my immense pleasure to read your story.
You the man.
5/26/2006 c61 2CrimZeo
it was a good finish, but y did u have tyo kill off ramieraz in teh enbd? it couldve been a good ending where no one died
2CrimZeoit was a good finish, but y did u have tyo kill off ramieraz in teh enbd? it couldve been a good ending where no one died
5/26/2006 c60 Greek Boy
Well...this story has certainly been interesting.
I've been following it for quite a while, and I can now safely say that I am impressed by your writing style. The way that everything fits together, there are no chinks left in the story (though I do wonder what happened to that water person...)
There were definitely many surprises, and these definitely made the story very interesting, and exciting to read. Verdana dying was a big shock, and I reread the chapter just to wonder if that had really happened, and when he summoned her again...*shudder*...man...that was a great chapter.
Keep going at it! You have a really strong plot going, and I can't wait to see how this story ends...
Greek Boy
Well...this story has certainly been interesting.
I've been following it for quite a while, and I can now safely say that I am impressed by your writing style. The way that everything fits together, there are no chinks left in the story (though I do wonder what happened to that water person...)
There were definitely many surprises, and these definitely made the story very interesting, and exciting to read. Verdana dying was a big shock, and I reread the chapter just to wonder if that had really happened, and when he summoned her again...*shudder*...man...that was a great chapter.
Keep going at it! You have a really strong plot going, and I can't wait to see how this story ends...
Greek Boy
5/25/2006 c60 CrimZeo
haha very funny chapter ands good ending too, but is teh emperor gonna be inhuman or something?
haha very funny chapter ands good ending too, but is teh emperor gonna be inhuman or something?
5/25/2006 c60 1T. Com
That was sickeningly sweet but appropriate. It surely did take a long time but that also seemed appropriate. Looks like you're gearing up for one heck of a near-ending. I can't wait.
1T. ComThat was sickeningly sweet but appropriate. It surely did take a long time but that also seemed appropriate. Looks like you're gearing up for one heck of a near-ending. I can't wait.