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for Debilitation

9/16/2009 c1 9Narq
Hey, I saw this poem, and it's pretty good, but a note on the formatting - if you do shift and enter, it won't become double lined like if you do enter. (try it and you'll undestand what I mean)

Okay, I really like this poem, so i'm going to take it apart - please just excuse me!

"A soft hand meets gentle skin" - the 'a' is not important, it's not needed see: "soft hand/gentle skin" and then, "beneath which lies a beating/heavy pulsing" And then, "A butterfly/ breaking free" (you see, you don't really need the 'of its trap' because by 'breaking free, you are saying that it is trapped.

Hope what I said has made sense!

12/26/2005 c1 Artificial Refuge
Well written and I enjoyed the imagery used. Good stuff :)
12/26/2005 c1 21lordelfy
good poem
12/26/2005 c1 ColdFrost
Very good. There is a lot of great imagery here (the butterfly etc.), well written (as per usual :-) ).

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