for Under One Roof1/3/2006 c1 FreeDaChickens
You've got an interesting looking plot, but a few problems.
Few readers (myself included) want to read a prologue/story that is entirely composed of descriptions of the characters. You should keep these descriptions and the occasion note of your characters (She will be/is the protagonist/antagonist, etc) for yourself and include the information for the reader in the story, amoung dialogue, thoughts, and actions. The prologue should be there to catch the readers' attention.
Again, your plot looks good, but your start needs work. You have great, vivid descriptions, but after reading a couple pages of even the best descriptions, your readers start losing interest . . .
The second thing I have to comment on to ask whether you have a beta reader. You switch from present to past to future to present perfect and back and forth. Try to stick with just one tense (preferably past or present), and your story will improve. Your spelling and grammar (for the most part) is excellent, but you have a few rather awkward sentence.
I don't mean this as a flame, your writing style is good, and your plot has potential, but you just need some work on it. :)
You've got an interesting looking plot, but a few problems.
Few readers (myself included) want to read a prologue/story that is entirely composed of descriptions of the characters. You should keep these descriptions and the occasion note of your characters (She will be/is the protagonist/antagonist, etc) for yourself and include the information for the reader in the story, amoung dialogue, thoughts, and actions. The prologue should be there to catch the readers' attention.
Again, your plot looks good, but your start needs work. You have great, vivid descriptions, but after reading a couple pages of even the best descriptions, your readers start losing interest . . .
The second thing I have to comment on to ask whether you have a beta reader. You switch from present to past to future to present perfect and back and forth. Try to stick with just one tense (preferably past or present), and your story will improve. Your spelling and grammar (for the most part) is excellent, but you have a few rather awkward sentence.
I don't mean this as a flame, your writing style is good, and your plot has potential, but you just need some work on it. :)
12/30/2005 c1 Kayla
Sounds very very interesting, I can not wait to start reading the story! Is this going to be a slash story? Just wondering who Mendes is going to end up with anyways can not wait to read it!
Sounds very very interesting, I can not wait to start reading the story! Is this going to be a slash story? Just wondering who Mendes is going to end up with anyways can not wait to read it!
12/29/2005 c1 
23Unwritten Answers
i liked this a lot (: great start. i get a feeling it's going to be a very interesting story.
i like the landlady a lot (:
can't wait for your next chapter!
update soon~
23Unwritten Answersi liked this a lot (: great start. i get a feeling it's going to be a very interesting story.
i like the landlady a lot (:
can't wait for your next chapter!
update soon~
12/29/2005 c1 18Plinky
Ooh, nice start! Sounds like a really original idea, you could have so much fun with this.
The beginning was really good - a really interesting way to start, with information abouut the landlady first of all. She sounds like a wonderful character.
I've never been a fan of starting a story in this way, with a list of characters, as I find it's very hard as a reader to remember all the details about each person, and that can make the story hard to follow.
however, seeing as your characters are quite original, it's not too bad. I can remember Sarah, and Delia (Seeing as there was quite a lot about him, and he sounds like fun) but I would have to check back about the other characters.
Sounds like a great story, I'll be interested to read more! keep writing! ; )
18PlinkyOoh, nice start! Sounds like a really original idea, you could have so much fun with this.
The beginning was really good - a really interesting way to start, with information abouut the landlady first of all. She sounds like a wonderful character.
I've never been a fan of starting a story in this way, with a list of characters, as I find it's very hard as a reader to remember all the details about each person, and that can make the story hard to follow.
however, seeing as your characters are quite original, it's not too bad. I can remember Sarah, and Delia (Seeing as there was quite a lot about him, and he sounds like fun) but I would have to check back about the other characters.
Sounds like a great story, I'll be interested to read more! keep writing! ; )
12/29/2005 c1 10just a teardrop
i like the idea of this story, and the tone is nice and light... looking forward to the next chapter!
10just a teardropi like the idea of this story, and the tone is nice and light... looking forward to the next chapter!