for New Year, New Hope, New Pain6/1/2009 c1 
9Narq
Oh wow, this is very breathtaking. At the start of the story I wasn't sure which direction you were trying to head in. But at the point at which they were dancing and waltzing, I had a certain feeling that something bad was about to happen, so good on your foreshadowing techniques.
Looking back on your title, "New Year, New Hope, New Pain" I think it makes perfect sense.
Wonderful piece!
Narq.
9NarqOh wow, this is very breathtaking. At the start of the story I wasn't sure which direction you were trying to head in. But at the point at which they were dancing and waltzing, I had a certain feeling that something bad was about to happen, so good on your foreshadowing techniques.
Looking back on your title, "New Year, New Hope, New Pain" I think it makes perfect sense.
Wonderful piece!
Narq.
7/21/2006 c1 festivus
Excellent storytelling. Very dramatic, and the ending was perfect for the characters involved.
I only noticed one big thing in this piece so far, and the only reason I noticed it is because I've read your writing a lot these past few days so I'm used to your style. It's shown up a few times in The Tempest Team as well. This is where it's at:
"There was mass movement as everyone fled the ceilidh, seeking out the uncertain safety of the town air raid shelter. Cath gasped as she stepped outside, the freezing wind cutting right through her." What mass movemenet? A movement of people, rubble, bombs?
The mass movement could be referring to the barrage of bombs, shards of concrete and metal speeding to the ground as destruction loomed over the town, not necessarily people.
Although it seems obvious that a mass of people were fleeing the ceilidh, letting the reader know that living, breathing people were fleeing for their lives for a shelter that could be doomed would bring your writing to a new level, both in description and emotion.
Just to clarify what I'm saying, instead of "A mass movement" you could describe it more as a frenzy of people, desperately clinging onto their lives, children in their arms as they fled to the uncertain safety of the bomb shelter.
I still enjoyed this short story though. Love it! Historical fiction definately has its merits, especially for the writer.
Excellent storytelling. Very dramatic, and the ending was perfect for the characters involved.
I only noticed one big thing in this piece so far, and the only reason I noticed it is because I've read your writing a lot these past few days so I'm used to your style. It's shown up a few times in The Tempest Team as well. This is where it's at:
"There was mass movement as everyone fled the ceilidh, seeking out the uncertain safety of the town air raid shelter. Cath gasped as she stepped outside, the freezing wind cutting right through her." What mass movemenet? A movement of people, rubble, bombs?
The mass movement could be referring to the barrage of bombs, shards of concrete and metal speeding to the ground as destruction loomed over the town, not necessarily people.
Although it seems obvious that a mass of people were fleeing the ceilidh, letting the reader know that living, breathing people were fleeing for their lives for a shelter that could be doomed would bring your writing to a new level, both in description and emotion.
Just to clarify what I'm saying, instead of "A mass movement" you could describe it more as a frenzy of people, desperately clinging onto their lives, children in their arms as they fled to the uncertain safety of the bomb shelter.
I still enjoyed this short story though. Love it! Historical fiction definately has its merits, especially for the writer.
1/31/2006 c1 dreamsofnever
Wow. I haven't been keeping up on your page as much as I should have. This story was a beautiful one-shot. I actually teared up at the end!
Wow. I haven't been keeping up on your page as much as I should have. This story was a beautiful one-shot. I actually teared up at the end!
1/5/2006 c1 79Ashes.to.Acid
Sorry to reply to your review late, but no..that was not for the jubilee. I forgot all about it.. Hm.. I read your story. I was alright.. the ending was painfully gripping.
79Ashes.to.AcidSorry to reply to your review late, but no..that was not for the jubilee. I forgot all about it.. Hm.. I read your story. I was alright.. the ending was painfully gripping.
1/1/2006 c1 WhyCannotIdeleteaFPAccount
This is really good. I like your choice of words too. It's hard to find bland words in this. I think you could've added a little more detail to the bombing, because it seemed to speed right by. Other than that though, it was good. Keep writing!
This is really good. I like your choice of words too. It's hard to find bland words in this. I think you could've added a little more detail to the bombing, because it seemed to speed right by. Other than that though, it was good. Keep writing!
1/1/2006 c1 57tofujunky
Quite a powerful and moving story. You did a great job on providing details and descriptions, thus allowing us readers to see clear images of the story.
“Don’t worry, love. Wars don’t last forever.” / Cath shut her eyes, thinking of Robbie. / “No – but neither do we…”
I liked that part a lot. It made for an effective ending, because those words floated in my head well after I finished reading.
Now on to the minor errors:
"Her shoes clicked as she walked alongMontrose Street" - spacing error
"He would want her to enjoy herself on New Years Eve" - I think it's New Year's Eve
"and a child over in the darkened corner tried unsuccessfully to muffle its sobs." - his sobs or her sobs, but not its sobs.
"The following morning they re-surfaced" - no dash in the word resurfaced.
Okay, hope that helped. I enjoyed the story very much. Thank you.
57tofujunkyQuite a powerful and moving story. You did a great job on providing details and descriptions, thus allowing us readers to see clear images of the story.
“Don’t worry, love. Wars don’t last forever.” / Cath shut her eyes, thinking of Robbie. / “No – but neither do we…”
I liked that part a lot. It made for an effective ending, because those words floated in my head well after I finished reading.
Now on to the minor errors:
"Her shoes clicked as she walked alongMontrose Street" - spacing error
"He would want her to enjoy herself on New Years Eve" - I think it's New Year's Eve
"and a child over in the darkened corner tried unsuccessfully to muffle its sobs." - his sobs or her sobs, but not its sobs.
"The following morning they re-surfaced" - no dash in the word resurfaced.
Okay, hope that helped. I enjoyed the story very much. Thank you.