for The Soul Thieves5/19/2006 c2 
1slayn
I absolutely love the paragraph about the clock. Its so true. =)
I had no problems with this chapter, but for the story as a whole, I must say I'm a but confused about the setting. I currently have no concept of where this stuff is taking place.
The clock and clothing of blouse/slacks makes me think present day (or close to) but in the first chapter I would have guessed more of a medievil fantasy thing. Is this a cross dimensional kind of story?
I can understand maybe not wanting to reveal the nature of exactly what is going on, but to have no idea whatsoever is completely disorienting. I don't need to know about the ice world, because the character doesn't know anything about that world either. But I'd like a bit more description about the world she comes from and what this meeting about a job or new life or whatever was about.
1slaynI absolutely love the paragraph about the clock. Its so true. =)
I had no problems with this chapter, but for the story as a whole, I must say I'm a but confused about the setting. I currently have no concept of where this stuff is taking place.
The clock and clothing of blouse/slacks makes me think present day (or close to) but in the first chapter I would have guessed more of a medievil fantasy thing. Is this a cross dimensional kind of story?
I can understand maybe not wanting to reveal the nature of exactly what is going on, but to have no idea whatsoever is completely disorienting. I don't need to know about the ice world, because the character doesn't know anything about that world either. But I'd like a bit more description about the world she comes from and what this meeting about a job or new life or whatever was about.
5/18/2006 c1 slayn
I like it thus far. Very poetic. A few awkward moments for me:
is 0.0.0 supposed to be like a line break or something? Its weird. And I felt the brief flash to the point of view of the man was a bit unneccisary. He is not someone we care about. I would either expand it, so that we get a better sense of who he is, or remove it.
"A white wolf, enormous, snarling at her…but not at her."
snarling at her but... not? What is that supposed to mean? Should it be, "A white wolf, enormous, stood snarling... but not at her." ?
"Tiadora, if she had been that kind of woman, might have fainted. She had been kidnapped from her home by the oddest assortment of people who she knew nothing of, knocked out, and awoken in a land of ice to be killed, only to then be saved by a wild beast. However, she was not that kind of woman."
very awkward, I though. I'm interested in who she is, not who she is not. We know she has not fainted. If you really want to emphasize something like this, I'd say something more along the lines of:
"Tiadora had been kidnapped from her home by the oddest assortment of people who she knew nothing of, knocked out, and awoken in a land of ice to be killed, only to then be saved by a wild beast. A weaker woman might have fainted but Tiadora felt strangely calm."
"The wolf bent its head to sniff her outstretch palm, and then the oddest thing yet occurred. "
I know what you mean to say here, but it feels weird. "... the oddest thing yet occured." Even just adding a comma after yet, might help a little bit. Not sure how I would fix it.
I like it thus far. Very poetic. A few awkward moments for me:
is 0.0.0 supposed to be like a line break or something? Its weird. And I felt the brief flash to the point of view of the man was a bit unneccisary. He is not someone we care about. I would either expand it, so that we get a better sense of who he is, or remove it.
"A white wolf, enormous, snarling at her…but not at her."
snarling at her but... not? What is that supposed to mean? Should it be, "A white wolf, enormous, stood snarling... but not at her." ?
"Tiadora, if she had been that kind of woman, might have fainted. She had been kidnapped from her home by the oddest assortment of people who she knew nothing of, knocked out, and awoken in a land of ice to be killed, only to then be saved by a wild beast. However, she was not that kind of woman."
very awkward, I though. I'm interested in who she is, not who she is not. We know she has not fainted. If you really want to emphasize something like this, I'd say something more along the lines of:
"Tiadora had been kidnapped from her home by the oddest assortment of people who she knew nothing of, knocked out, and awoken in a land of ice to be killed, only to then be saved by a wild beast. A weaker woman might have fainted but Tiadora felt strangely calm."
"The wolf bent its head to sniff her outstretch palm, and then the oddest thing yet occurred. "
I know what you mean to say here, but it feels weird. "... the oddest thing yet occured." Even just adding a comma after yet, might help a little bit. Not sure how I would fix it.
4/5/2006 c1 27EmilyFaerber
Wow, I'm impressed! The introduction was very good, and pulled me right in. Instantly I wanted to know what was going on, and so far it's been vague enough that I'm still curious about everything. I'd say this was very well written, I like your word choice.
27EmilyFaerberWow, I'm impressed! The introduction was very good, and pulled me right in. Instantly I wanted to know what was going on, and so far it's been vague enough that I'm still curious about everything. I'd say this was very well written, I like your word choice.
2/15/2006 c2 2Cirex
As I go,
" so cold it smelt of new metal" - I really like this description. :)
Well a short chapter, but I thought it was good. Hm... wish I could give you more in the way of CC though...
2CirexAs I go,
" so cold it smelt of new metal" - I really like this description. :)
Well a short chapter, but I thought it was good. Hm... wish I could give you more in the way of CC though...
2/3/2006 c1 1rrmehta364
Awesome chapter. Really great job showing the depth of the fear. My original review got eaten, but most of the things I would have pointed out have already been spotted. Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading more of this.
1rrmehta364Awesome chapter. Really great job showing the depth of the fear. My original review got eaten, but most of the things I would have pointed out have already been spotted. Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading more of this.
1/27/2006 c2 9Alteng
Me again! Glad to see a second chapter, and I am out reading this instead of writing the Bane of Rendsberg! Oh well!
The history is an interesting piece. Is Tiadora from our world? This would be freaky indeed if she is!
You have a little problem with repeating her name too often in that description about her waiting. You need to find other descriptive ways to refer to her. I can't give you much in the way of suggestions for that, because I don't really know her all that well.
Looking forward to your next chapter and this mysterious wolf fellow and what is going on.
9AltengMe again! Glad to see a second chapter, and I am out reading this instead of writing the Bane of Rendsberg! Oh well!
The history is an interesting piece. Is Tiadora from our world? This would be freaky indeed if she is!
You have a little problem with repeating her name too often in that description about her waiting. You need to find other descriptive ways to refer to her. I can't give you much in the way of suggestions for that, because I don't really know her all that well.
Looking forward to your next chapter and this mysterious wolf fellow and what is going on.
1/24/2006 c2 19Olivine
questions, questions, questions. that is what filled my mind as i read this.
and to answer my many many many questions, i think you should update.
yes, that would be a good idea.
so, keep on writing ~~Wintertigress-:|:-
19Olivinequestions, questions, questions. that is what filled my mind as i read this.
and to answer my many many many questions, i think you should update.
yes, that would be a good idea.
so, keep on writing ~~Wintertigress-:|:-
1/24/2006 c2 7Alankria
Some CC:
1) 'and felt so taut that could shatter it' - Hmm, I think you're missing a word here.
2) 'Tiadora had made due with limited resources, made due with the oppressive' - In both cases, replace 'due' with 'do'.
3) 'not matter she hadn’t cooled off.' - The structure of this bit is slightly off.
4) “No,” it was [a] female voice that spoke'
... And then you go and end it there. Piling mystery upon mystery here, islandbreeze; you really do make me want to read more. All I can wonder is what the heck is going on, what's so special about Tiadora and who, or what, is the wolf man? Please update soon!
7AlankriaSome CC:
1) 'and felt so taut that could shatter it' - Hmm, I think you're missing a word here.
2) 'Tiadora had made due with limited resources, made due with the oppressive' - In both cases, replace 'due' with 'do'.
3) 'not matter she hadn’t cooled off.' - The structure of this bit is slightly off.
4) “No,” it was [a] female voice that spoke'
... And then you go and end it there. Piling mystery upon mystery here, islandbreeze; you really do make me want to read more. All I can wonder is what the heck is going on, what's so special about Tiadora and who, or what, is the wolf man? Please update soon!
1/23/2006 c2 BlueCrystal
Hey! I just wanted to say that it's a very interesting beginning. However, I feel that if as the reader we're not going to be able to learn very much more about Tiadora, we should at least learn something from the captors. That's what I'd like to see happen, but then, I'm also a big crazy. I very much like your writing style. Tis very pretty, and you should keep that up. Update soon!
Hey! I just wanted to say that it's a very interesting beginning. However, I feel that if as the reader we're not going to be able to learn very much more about Tiadora, we should at least learn something from the captors. That's what I'd like to see happen, but then, I'm also a big crazy. I very much like your writing style. Tis very pretty, and you should keep that up. Update soon!
1/6/2006 c1 2Cirex
Great stuff. :D I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm not running into anything period that I don't like or catches my eye.
Just a note: in your story summary, 'artic' is spelled wrong. I think it should be 'arctic'.
Interesting to see where this goes. :) The title is certainly intriguing enough. I bet Grundan and his group (I wonder where they are) are these Soul Thieves, but 'why' is another question.. :P
2CirexGreat stuff. :D I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm not running into anything period that I don't like or catches my eye.
Just a note: in your story summary, 'artic' is spelled wrong. I think it should be 'arctic'.
Interesting to see where this goes. :) The title is certainly intriguing enough. I bet Grundan and his group (I wonder where they are) are these Soul Thieves, but 'why' is another question.. :P
1/6/2006 c1 9Alteng
That was strange enough. Yes, is the wolf a god or just a lycanthrope. It would have been amusing if the the wolf left her without changing into a man. Boy, wouldn't that have left a big puzzle on her mind! Oh well, this works well, too. I'm glad that he was somewhat clothed. That would have been so embarassing for Tiadora, and she's had such a trying day.
9AltengThat was strange enough. Yes, is the wolf a god or just a lycanthrope. It would have been amusing if the the wolf left her without changing into a man. Boy, wouldn't that have left a big puzzle on her mind! Oh well, this works well, too. I'm glad that he was somewhat clothed. That would have been so embarassing for Tiadora, and she's had such a trying day.
1/5/2006 c1 7gingerbeer
Nice idea! There's one piece of advice Chyme sent me that you might want to hear: "The way to hell is paved with adverbs."
There were some sentences that contained unnecessary info. For example, "Tiadora couldn’t keep her thoughts from panic," is a bit like saying "hydrated oxygen" instead of water. Many books I've read with panic scenes don't take very long to say, "She was panicking," or "She tried not to panick," or "The thought of her imminent death made her not want to think."
There was another pair of sentences you might want to look at: "His blood steamed when the air hit" and "...finally shocked into movement by pain."
"His blood steamed..." is something I can visualize. "...when the air hit," however, can be made less awkward, like, "when it hit the air."
Just between you and me, I used to have a fear of sounding too casual in my writing, so I tried to make it sound poetic instead. In doing so, my writing became very hard to understand, like a high-level poem you see in college English classes, only written by an eight-grader who knew zip about good poetry. (And I made people read my stuff and compliment me, hahah, but not anymore, thank goodness!)
It's ok to state something quickly and let go of the fear that a reader might think you're too casual.
Another fear I used to have was the fear that the reader would forget why someone was doing something. For example, "Grudun, finally shocked into movement by pain," will work just fine if you cut out "by pain," because in the previous phrase, Grudun was slashed across the chest. Sounds mighty painful to me!
Finally: "wondered" and "called." I realized that the "wondered" part of Grundun's narration was to hint at Tiadora's sacrifice. However, this part of the sentence is a great place to reveal Grundun's feelings about the sacrifice, his and Tiadora's religion/culture, etc.
"That was what the woman had called him before Tiadora herself had blacked out." I saw this sentence in an earlier review, but I have a different comment about it. The narrational and grammatical clues in this sentence suggest that there was another woman present the whole time. Your intended meaning might be clearer if you switched "the woman" with "Tiadora."
Yup yup! Keep it up! And thanks for your reviews!
7gingerbeerNice idea! There's one piece of advice Chyme sent me that you might want to hear: "The way to hell is paved with adverbs."
There were some sentences that contained unnecessary info. For example, "Tiadora couldn’t keep her thoughts from panic," is a bit like saying "hydrated oxygen" instead of water. Many books I've read with panic scenes don't take very long to say, "She was panicking," or "She tried not to panick," or "The thought of her imminent death made her not want to think."
There was another pair of sentences you might want to look at: "His blood steamed when the air hit" and "...finally shocked into movement by pain."
"His blood steamed..." is something I can visualize. "...when the air hit," however, can be made less awkward, like, "when it hit the air."
Just between you and me, I used to have a fear of sounding too casual in my writing, so I tried to make it sound poetic instead. In doing so, my writing became very hard to understand, like a high-level poem you see in college English classes, only written by an eight-grader who knew zip about good poetry. (And I made people read my stuff and compliment me, hahah, but not anymore, thank goodness!)
It's ok to state something quickly and let go of the fear that a reader might think you're too casual.
Another fear I used to have was the fear that the reader would forget why someone was doing something. For example, "Grudun, finally shocked into movement by pain," will work just fine if you cut out "by pain," because in the previous phrase, Grudun was slashed across the chest. Sounds mighty painful to me!
Finally: "wondered" and "called." I realized that the "wondered" part of Grundun's narration was to hint at Tiadora's sacrifice. However, this part of the sentence is a great place to reveal Grundun's feelings about the sacrifice, his and Tiadora's religion/culture, etc.
"That was what the woman had called him before Tiadora herself had blacked out." I saw this sentence in an earlier review, but I have a different comment about it. The narrational and grammatical clues in this sentence suggest that there was another woman present the whole time. Your intended meaning might be clearer if you switched "the woman" with "Tiadora."
Yup yup! Keep it up! And thanks for your reviews!