for Queen of Dark Hearts3/15/2008 c7 
26Scooz
Oi, I am not having a lot of luck with the internet lately. When I have internet, no computer, when I have a computer, no internet. It's safe for now though, so anyway, creepy chapter. I've had to remain in suspense since the end of the last one when I moved. Poor Violante, she is a magnet for the strange and enigmatic. Her dream with Rand was interesting, it's always odd to hear how others see her since we know so little about her and she seems to know even less about herself.
I am hoping you will drop your readers a few hints eventually about who she is. The way others talk of her, she seems like a descendant of fey (other similar magickal beings), or at least, she has some relation to them. The talk of her having those who protect her, but will harm her is tricky to translate in favor of the fey theory or not.
26ScoozOi, I am not having a lot of luck with the internet lately. When I have internet, no computer, when I have a computer, no internet. It's safe for now though, so anyway, creepy chapter. I've had to remain in suspense since the end of the last one when I moved. Poor Violante, she is a magnet for the strange and enigmatic. Her dream with Rand was interesting, it's always odd to hear how others see her since we know so little about her and she seems to know even less about herself.
I am hoping you will drop your readers a few hints eventually about who she is. The way others talk of her, she seems like a descendant of fey (other similar magickal beings), or at least, she has some relation to them. The talk of her having those who protect her, but will harm her is tricky to translate in favor of the fey theory or not.
2/4/2008 c7 6Carmel March
Even though it's been awhile since I've been on Fictionpress, I've definitely not forgotten this story. I'm loving it! It's this kind of story that keeps me coming back for more. So, I hope to see more from you soon :)
~Carm~
6Carmel MarchEven though it's been awhile since I've been on Fictionpress, I've definitely not forgotten this story. I'm loving it! It's this kind of story that keeps me coming back for more. So, I hope to see more from you soon :)
~Carm~
10/10/2007 c6 26Scooz
Oi, it's been so long since I have been on and I have lost track of all the stories of yours that I was reading. Gotta catch up on a lot. This one caught my attention though. This girl's imagination and gift for imagery is wonderful. I love her ties to the elements, the wind, sea, rain, trees, and sand. I use to love sitting in the woods when it rained. I love the sound of it all and I love the beach ^^
I'll have to go back through later to give a more thorough review because I did catch some minor errors and confusing sentences, but other than that, it's a great story so far. Oh! And can you add some more character descriptions in the beginning. The details tend to be vague, like we didn't find out what her eyes color was for a few chapters. You said Ise was plain, but I didn't see much about what she really looks like.
26ScoozOi, it's been so long since I have been on and I have lost track of all the stories of yours that I was reading. Gotta catch up on a lot. This one caught my attention though. This girl's imagination and gift for imagery is wonderful. I love her ties to the elements, the wind, sea, rain, trees, and sand. I use to love sitting in the woods when it rained. I love the sound of it all and I love the beach ^^
I'll have to go back through later to give a more thorough review because I did catch some minor errors and confusing sentences, but other than that, it's a great story so far. Oh! And can you add some more character descriptions in the beginning. The details tend to be vague, like we didn't find out what her eyes color was for a few chapters. You said Ise was plain, but I didn't see much about what she really looks like.
6/9/2007 c6 6Carmel March
Lovely chapter. Very nice descriptions, not too wordy, but just enough to give the reader an idea. And great characters. Solid, original, and strongly written. Great job on this, and I hope to read more soon!
~carm~
6Carmel MarchLovely chapter. Very nice descriptions, not too wordy, but just enough to give the reader an idea. And great characters. Solid, original, and strongly written. Great job on this, and I hope to read more soon!
~carm~
5/31/2007 c5 9Alteng
Okay, workng through my own chapters, there is a break. I guess it is time to clean out the inbox again!
Violante is trated quite well for a serving wrench. She is a lady in waiting, isn't she? I don't know. It just seems odd that she is treated so well for an orphan of a nobody.
It was an odd little chapter and the inner court intrigue and gossip seems to set the setting well. It kind of reminds me of Alexandre Dumas' "Vicomte de Bralonne" (I problably butchered the spelling here).
9AltengOkay, workng through my own chapters, there is a break. I guess it is time to clean out the inbox again!
Violante is trated quite well for a serving wrench. She is a lady in waiting, isn't she? I don't know. It just seems odd that she is treated so well for an orphan of a nobody.
It was an odd little chapter and the inner court intrigue and gossip seems to set the setting well. It kind of reminds me of Alexandre Dumas' "Vicomte de Bralonne" (I problably butchered the spelling here).
5/30/2007 c5 6Carmel March
This is a truly wonderful story. Your descriptions are fantastic, and let the reader see into the world you've created. I like the way you use dialogue; it's realistic and flows naturally. And the storyline is creative, keeps the reader interested throughout the entire read. Like I said, truly wonderful. I can't wait to see what happens next :)
~carm~
6Carmel MarchThis is a truly wonderful story. Your descriptions are fantastic, and let the reader see into the world you've created. I like the way you use dialogue; it's realistic and flows naturally. And the storyline is creative, keeps the reader interested throughout the entire read. Like I said, truly wonderful. I can't wait to see what happens next :)
~carm~
2/12/2007 c4 9Alteng
I guess I can see where Violante would think these things her fault because of the cursed name, and I was wondering where that would come into play. She is a strange child, but she has not really brought bad omens yet. It seems like you are about to come upon that.
As for Rand leaving, he was an odd little piece as well. Most artists are though.
Ise seems to be a good character, and it will be interesting to see where this goes from here. The soulcatchers seem to be a fominable bunch.
9AltengI guess I can see where Violante would think these things her fault because of the cursed name, and I was wondering where that would come into play. She is a strange child, but she has not really brought bad omens yet. It seems like you are about to come upon that.
As for Rand leaving, he was an odd little piece as well. Most artists are though.
Ise seems to be a good character, and it will be interesting to see where this goes from here. The soulcatchers seem to be a fominable bunch.
9/23/2006 c3 19phantom-jedi
Interesting. I might have to keep up on this one. One note: either your narrator needs to have a refined vocabulary throughout, or not until the current end (chapter 3). Someone raised on the streets would not have the vocabulary she seems to possess... but is it that she is looking back in time at this point? Then the vocabulary would make sense within the context.Do continue with this particular story. It sounds as though it might be interesting.
phantom_jedi
19phantom-jediInteresting. I might have to keep up on this one. One note: either your narrator needs to have a refined vocabulary throughout, or not until the current end (chapter 3). Someone raised on the streets would not have the vocabulary she seems to possess... but is it that she is looking back in time at this point? Then the vocabulary would make sense within the context.Do continue with this particular story. It sounds as though it might be interesting.
phantom_jedi
5/11/2006 c3 9Alteng
Ah, but I haven't seen a curse to the keep yet.
This was a strange little chapter indeed, but Violente is a strange little child. She kindof reminds me of a fairy child or something.
Still, the image of the siren in the water was quite effective. Was she skinny dipping, mind you. That would really put the royals off indeed!
And I agree with her opinion of rain. A good violent storm is good to watch. Of course, it is quite nice to watch heavy rains cascade against windows. I don't play much out in the rain, mind you. The glasses get in the way. Violente playing in the rain rather ties her further to nature.
9AltengAh, but I haven't seen a curse to the keep yet.
This was a strange little chapter indeed, but Violente is a strange little child. She kindof reminds me of a fairy child or something.
Still, the image of the siren in the water was quite effective. Was she skinny dipping, mind you. That would really put the royals off indeed!
And I agree with her opinion of rain. A good violent storm is good to watch. Of course, it is quite nice to watch heavy rains cascade against windows. I don't play much out in the rain, mind you. The glasses get in the way. Violente playing in the rain rather ties her further to nature.
4/30/2006 c3 Silent Force
I adore your descriptions. They're just so vivid and detailed, and they really make the story come alive. I also like how Violante talks to the rain; it's a really original idea. I'm curious as to what will happen to Violante now that she's at the Sea Keep. The last part of this chapter confused me a bit, but hopefully it will all be explained later. Please update soon!
I adore your descriptions. They're just so vivid and detailed, and they really make the story come alive. I also like how Violante talks to the rain; it's a really original idea. I'm curious as to what will happen to Violante now that she's at the Sea Keep. The last part of this chapter confused me a bit, but hopefully it will all be explained later. Please update soon!
4/30/2006 c1 9ice flyer
Goodness, I'm very sorry about my long absence. It's been hectic.
Anyway, a great start to what seems like an interesting new story. Loved the first line. Violante's history was a little too "telling" - not "showing" - and my suggestion would be to space out this story throughout the actual plot, so we don't get too much info all at once.
Her voice is very clear and well-developed. The plot also seems great. Good job! :)
9ice flyerGoodness, I'm very sorry about my long absence. It's been hectic.
Anyway, a great start to what seems like an interesting new story. Loved the first line. Violante's history was a little too "telling" - not "showing" - and my suggestion would be to space out this story throughout the actual plot, so we don't get too much info all at once.
Her voice is very clear and well-developed. The plot also seems great. Good job! :)
4/29/2006 c3 4Chicanery A. Beguile
God I love this. This story is so amazing! I can't wait for the next chapter!
4Chicanery A. BeguileGod I love this. This story is so amazing! I can't wait for the next chapter!
4/28/2006 c3 1rrmehta364
"It was during one of my escapades to the shore that something awkward occurred, and I should have seen it as more, but I was preoccupied by the thought of winter’s arrival." : I think you might want to split that sentence up because its a little long and awkward.
Wait, how did she go from the courts too the streets. I realize she was too cold to be a courtesan, but I'm a bit confused by her exact fate.
The second paragraph has a very cool insight. However, I didn't catch it the first time I read it. It made more sense the third time through, but maybe clarify it a little bit.
"I was alone, others would not risk their elaborate wardrobes, and so the quiet and still allowed me a sense of solitude." : I don't think the and is necesary in that sentence.
"I did not mind being alone, in fact, I had, even previous to the death of all of my family, enjoyed it." : I don't know if the 'all my' is necessary.
"Others, such as Rohan and Dylira, both had come from the neighboring province of Aengleterre, refused to live in separate chambers for their intense fear of isolation and dark." : I don't think the had come is necessary.
"I minded not the dark either, but that was their affair." : I know this is being even more nitpicky than usual, but it isn't clear what the either is referring to. Well, I guess it is in the context of the story, but its a pet peeve of mine when something isn't exactly clear.
"In the rain, I could dance, dance, fling my arms into the wide, open, endless sky- pulsating with energy and mystery." : Why is dance repeated?
"Every second has a soul, each moment becomes a moving, tangible shock, and you move amidst them in one graceful dance, defying convention, glorious in the freedom of space." : I really like that sentence.
" Of course I swam, far and deep" : this I think might be too risky for me to believe. I kind of imagine this to be like the coast of Nova Scotia or something and you do not want to be anywhere in the ocean during a storm. Way too high chance for her to drown, and she can't be that strong a swimmer.
"But as I returned to the shoreline, I discovered I was no longer alone, and dove back into the water." : Sorry, but I don't follow just exactly what the entire chapter after that is referring to.
Whoa, Rohan is a girls name? I guess I was momentarily confused because its an Indian guy's name.
" I knew my comments too archly pointed o achieve such." First, there needs to be a were after my and I'm guessing the 'o' is supposed to be a to.
This chapter, I think is a little too vague. THere are a lot of very poetic paragraphs, but many of them don't seem to serve any particular point. Make sure there's a reason for everything you include.
Well, I think that's all for now. I know my reviews tend towards the long side, but I did really enjoy what I read.
As always, looking forward to reading more.
-peace out.
1rrmehta364"It was during one of my escapades to the shore that something awkward occurred, and I should have seen it as more, but I was preoccupied by the thought of winter’s arrival." : I think you might want to split that sentence up because its a little long and awkward.
Wait, how did she go from the courts too the streets. I realize she was too cold to be a courtesan, but I'm a bit confused by her exact fate.
The second paragraph has a very cool insight. However, I didn't catch it the first time I read it. It made more sense the third time through, but maybe clarify it a little bit.
"I was alone, others would not risk their elaborate wardrobes, and so the quiet and still allowed me a sense of solitude." : I don't think the and is necesary in that sentence.
"I did not mind being alone, in fact, I had, even previous to the death of all of my family, enjoyed it." : I don't know if the 'all my' is necessary.
"Others, such as Rohan and Dylira, both had come from the neighboring province of Aengleterre, refused to live in separate chambers for their intense fear of isolation and dark." : I don't think the had come is necessary.
"I minded not the dark either, but that was their affair." : I know this is being even more nitpicky than usual, but it isn't clear what the either is referring to. Well, I guess it is in the context of the story, but its a pet peeve of mine when something isn't exactly clear.
"In the rain, I could dance, dance, fling my arms into the wide, open, endless sky- pulsating with energy and mystery." : Why is dance repeated?
"Every second has a soul, each moment becomes a moving, tangible shock, and you move amidst them in one graceful dance, defying convention, glorious in the freedom of space." : I really like that sentence.
" Of course I swam, far and deep" : this I think might be too risky for me to believe. I kind of imagine this to be like the coast of Nova Scotia or something and you do not want to be anywhere in the ocean during a storm. Way too high chance for her to drown, and she can't be that strong a swimmer.
"But as I returned to the shoreline, I discovered I was no longer alone, and dove back into the water." : Sorry, but I don't follow just exactly what the entire chapter after that is referring to.
Whoa, Rohan is a girls name? I guess I was momentarily confused because its an Indian guy's name.
" I knew my comments too archly pointed o achieve such." First, there needs to be a were after my and I'm guessing the 'o' is supposed to be a to.
This chapter, I think is a little too vague. THere are a lot of very poetic paragraphs, but many of them don't seem to serve any particular point. Make sure there's a reason for everything you include.
Well, I think that's all for now. I know my reviews tend towards the long side, but I did really enjoy what I read.
As always, looking forward to reading more.
-peace out.
4/28/2006 c2 rrmehta364
"I found the dazzling style of the court grand in its opulence and shine, but always something lurked beneath the glitter." : I think the lurked should be lurking to keep the sentence more parralel.
"As time progressed, I liked the new conditions in which I lived; however, " : That sentence seems to be worded a little wordily to me.
"I now had my own set of chambers, in the smaller east wing of the Pallazio." : The sentence sort of just came from the blue. Maybe introduce it a little more.
"like the juice that comes from bursting pomegranate seeds and stains sticky on my fingertips." : I like the description.
"Yet, no. The sun was the same gold, and the sky was violet and gold, pastel, to dark purple dusk—" : I think you might want to integrate those two sentences together.
"So I served Cecily, who yet remained of cold disposition towards me," : I don't think you need the of and disposition. In my mind, the same idea get to the reader, but with fewer words.
"She had the deepened skin tone of the sea fishers" : How can someone have a deep skin tone?
"I tied it into a slipknot at the base of my neck, tendrils escaped and curled about my ears." : I think you might have a comma splice here.
You know, this kind of reminds me of memoirs of a geisha. Oh, I'm a bit confused about the plot, though that's mostly because it has been so much time since I read the first chapter.
"I often wandered out in the Night Gardens; as I was not truly noble to them, and too young for scandal, I had more freedom than the ladies, and for that I was glad." : I think the sentence is worded a little awkwardly.
" The night felt comfortable, like an old worn cloak—but one with a hidden pocket, always a subtle thrill to entertain and surprise." : awesome sentence.
"I got one such surprise during the Autumn Harvest Festivities, walking out to the gardens." : This is a random little note, but why make a generic Harvest festival? Festival's and celebration are excellent opportunities for world building, and shouldn't be made too generic imo. Plus, there are much more interesting things with most festivals that are essentially harvest festivals.
" savoring the musky scent of fall foliage and the secrets of the leaves rusting ever-so-gently in the wind." : Another line I happened to like.
"I believe now it was his intensity, his fight and hunger to live, to feel, but it attracted me then no matter I did not understand." : Sorry, but I didn't quite follow where this sentence was going.
"After all, I was still a child, and one who had not lived in a structured world for the vast part of my life." : Wait, wasn't her life fairly structured?
Actually, I think you might want to look at that paragraph. Dunno, I guess I didn't like it much.
"I remembered every word, every look- those eyes that threatened to burn the flesh from my ivory bones, eat me alive, while I ached in the bliss of it." : dunno, isn't that a little too intense, especially for a fairly young girl.
"in every crash of wave there was a heartbeat, in every sweep of sand dune, a secret soul." : Another sentence I happen to like.
"I could not often find time to spare there, and besides, I did not want company." : First, I don't think you need the there. Second, I don't see how the sentence follows.
"I saw faces sometimes, reflected out of the darkness; faces Fate had not bestowed her mercy on. " : Awesome line, but is there any reason to capitalize Fate.
Well, very beautifully written. I know I leave a lot of cc, but that's because its written so well I can read every line deeply. Plus, most of what I say is just opinion.
As always, looking forward to reading more.
-peace out.
"I found the dazzling style of the court grand in its opulence and shine, but always something lurked beneath the glitter." : I think the lurked should be lurking to keep the sentence more parralel.
"As time progressed, I liked the new conditions in which I lived; however, " : That sentence seems to be worded a little wordily to me.
"I now had my own set of chambers, in the smaller east wing of the Pallazio." : The sentence sort of just came from the blue. Maybe introduce it a little more.
"like the juice that comes from bursting pomegranate seeds and stains sticky on my fingertips." : I like the description.
"Yet, no. The sun was the same gold, and the sky was violet and gold, pastel, to dark purple dusk—" : I think you might want to integrate those two sentences together.
"So I served Cecily, who yet remained of cold disposition towards me," : I don't think you need the of and disposition. In my mind, the same idea get to the reader, but with fewer words.
"She had the deepened skin tone of the sea fishers" : How can someone have a deep skin tone?
"I tied it into a slipknot at the base of my neck, tendrils escaped and curled about my ears." : I think you might have a comma splice here.
You know, this kind of reminds me of memoirs of a geisha. Oh, I'm a bit confused about the plot, though that's mostly because it has been so much time since I read the first chapter.
"I often wandered out in the Night Gardens; as I was not truly noble to them, and too young for scandal, I had more freedom than the ladies, and for that I was glad." : I think the sentence is worded a little awkwardly.
" The night felt comfortable, like an old worn cloak—but one with a hidden pocket, always a subtle thrill to entertain and surprise." : awesome sentence.
"I got one such surprise during the Autumn Harvest Festivities, walking out to the gardens." : This is a random little note, but why make a generic Harvest festival? Festival's and celebration are excellent opportunities for world building, and shouldn't be made too generic imo. Plus, there are much more interesting things with most festivals that are essentially harvest festivals.
" savoring the musky scent of fall foliage and the secrets of the leaves rusting ever-so-gently in the wind." : Another line I happened to like.
"I believe now it was his intensity, his fight and hunger to live, to feel, but it attracted me then no matter I did not understand." : Sorry, but I didn't quite follow where this sentence was going.
"After all, I was still a child, and one who had not lived in a structured world for the vast part of my life." : Wait, wasn't her life fairly structured?
Actually, I think you might want to look at that paragraph. Dunno, I guess I didn't like it much.
"I remembered every word, every look- those eyes that threatened to burn the flesh from my ivory bones, eat me alive, while I ached in the bliss of it." : dunno, isn't that a little too intense, especially for a fairly young girl.
"in every crash of wave there was a heartbeat, in every sweep of sand dune, a secret soul." : Another sentence I happen to like.
"I could not often find time to spare there, and besides, I did not want company." : First, I don't think you need the there. Second, I don't see how the sentence follows.
"I saw faces sometimes, reflected out of the darkness; faces Fate had not bestowed her mercy on. " : Awesome line, but is there any reason to capitalize Fate.
Well, very beautifully written. I know I leave a lot of cc, but that's because its written so well I can read every line deeply. Plus, most of what I say is just opinion.
As always, looking forward to reading more.
-peace out.
4/28/2006 c2 a reader
you can write really well with good use of words and description. i think you need to elaborate on what shes like though not just her feelings but what she looks like, her character etc. it has a dark sadistic tone to it. is it going to be sadistic? haha. nvm
you can write really well with good use of words and description. i think you need to elaborate on what shes like though not just her feelings but what she looks like, her character etc. it has a dark sadistic tone to it. is it going to be sadistic? haha. nvm