for Stormwyrm the Thunderer1/28/2006 c1 
20Pheobe Meryll
Very intense little scene. I loved how you focused so much on his physical fatigue at the beginning. I could really feel what the dragon was feeling.
"Struggling to stay focused, the Thunderer tried to get his limbs into obeying him." That last part isn't quite right. Perhaps he tried to make his limbs obey him, or tried cajoling his limbs into obeying him?
"Laughing at the him, the dark shape poked Stormwyrm's forehead with a long stick" I think you just meant "laughing at him"?
"When the storm ended, the dragon was already put at a rest long ago." I think there's a little tense confusion with this between the first and second part of the sentance. Maybe if you change 'was' to 'had been' it would be clearer.
Overall, very nice. You have a nice knack for one-shots. Keep it up dear!
20Pheobe MeryllVery intense little scene. I loved how you focused so much on his physical fatigue at the beginning. I could really feel what the dragon was feeling.
"Struggling to stay focused, the Thunderer tried to get his limbs into obeying him." That last part isn't quite right. Perhaps he tried to make his limbs obey him, or tried cajoling his limbs into obeying him?
"Laughing at the him, the dark shape poked Stormwyrm's forehead with a long stick" I think you just meant "laughing at him"?
"When the storm ended, the dragon was already put at a rest long ago." I think there's a little tense confusion with this between the first and second part of the sentance. Maybe if you change 'was' to 'had been' it would be clearer.
Overall, very nice. You have a nice knack for one-shots. Keep it up dear!
1/6/2006 c1 4Antoine De La Baraque
Ok so I'm semi-back since I submitted a new chapter and I obviously just HAD to read some of what you updated. Don't have time with college apps and all to read BoS yet, but trust me, I will.
I like this as a beginning. You kinda start wondering if the dragon will survive or not and it's quite gripping. That's when you get that Stormwyrm is a dragon.
Ok, so Stormwyrm IS probably a dragon name. But, you use so many pronoun phrases for it such as "the young one" that I personally got confused. First I thought Stormwyrm was some dragon rider dude and "the young one" is a dragon. But then it got even more confusing.
If I were you, I'd put a little more explanation (description or something) in the first paragraph so that we all have it solid and clear from the beginning. Cuz I didn't get what was going on till much later.
On a second read, it's obviously great. I like it. But do stay away from "clarifications". In a real book, you wouldn't be able to clarify. Be clear in what you write.
4Antoine De La BaraqueOk so I'm semi-back since I submitted a new chapter and I obviously just HAD to read some of what you updated. Don't have time with college apps and all to read BoS yet, but trust me, I will.
I like this as a beginning. You kinda start wondering if the dragon will survive or not and it's quite gripping. That's when you get that Stormwyrm is a dragon.
Ok, so Stormwyrm IS probably a dragon name. But, you use so many pronoun phrases for it such as "the young one" that I personally got confused. First I thought Stormwyrm was some dragon rider dude and "the young one" is a dragon. But then it got even more confusing.
If I were you, I'd put a little more explanation (description or something) in the first paragraph so that we all have it solid and clear from the beginning. Cuz I didn't get what was going on till much later.
On a second read, it's obviously great. I like it. But do stay away from "clarifications". In a real book, you wouldn't be able to clarify. Be clear in what you write.