for Slippin'10/9/2006 c1 Newbins
Definitely feeling this play. Keep up the good work
Definitely feeling this play. Keep up the good work
9/27/2006 c8 The Ghost
This story is real, gritty; it captures the decisions we (young blk males) are given. I "personally" know how it is, I've done things similar to these characters, and my cousin claims blood, real talk. I wish you'd keep writing and maybe help me start a story of my own.
This story is real, gritty; it captures the decisions we (young blk males) are given. I "personally" know how it is, I've done things similar to these characters, and my cousin claims blood, real talk. I wish you'd keep writing and maybe help me start a story of my own.
1/31/2006 c4 TheDawnOfMyEra
I can see that your trying to show the his envirnoment but their are a few too many switches and cut-to's. though I geuss it'd look betta on th screen
I can see that your trying to show the his envirnoment but their are a few too many switches and cut-to's. though I geuss it'd look betta on th screen
1/31/2006 c3 TheDawnOfMyEra
hmm. I think you could make his aunt a bit more sophisticated. your making these people a bit too sterotypical. You also might not want say "and all" at the end of a description. its not desirable. And I think the news about Ray-Shawn can be a bit more dramatically written
hmm. I think you could make his aunt a bit more sophisticated. your making these people a bit too sterotypical. You also might not want say "and all" at the end of a description. its not desirable. And I think the news about Ray-Shawn can be a bit more dramatically written
1/29/2006 c2 TheDawnOfMyEra
Ok this is really good! I’m not talking potential but more along the lines of if people actually ventured to the play section. Because I know if people ventured into this section of the site your play would be defiantly well reviewed. I really liked the first chapter. Infact with all this gun violence stats going up (in TO,Canada) uve got a hot market.
Ok this is really good! I’m not talking potential but more along the lines of if people actually ventured to the play section. Because I know if people ventured into this section of the site your play would be defiantly well reviewed. I really liked the first chapter. Infact with all this gun violence stats going up (in TO,Canada) uve got a hot market.
1/8/2006 c8 
13Scott Redburn
I enjoyed the beginning of this screenplay. Let me begin with some technical points. In your stage direction you should not use slang terms and the direction should be kept as simple as possible. For some examples you may want to pick up or download a screenplay from a television show or movie script. You may want to clean up the dialogue for the mother. Giving her an air of intellect by using less slang and higher diction could help make her character more sympathetic. I did like the use of Albany as a locale. I may have some bias since I myself have moved to Albany recently. It's always good to see some familiar places. Keep up the good work.
13Scott RedburnI enjoyed the beginning of this screenplay. Let me begin with some technical points. In your stage direction you should not use slang terms and the direction should be kept as simple as possible. For some examples you may want to pick up or download a screenplay from a television show or movie script. You may want to clean up the dialogue for the mother. Giving her an air of intellect by using less slang and higher diction could help make her character more sympathetic. I did like the use of Albany as a locale. I may have some bias since I myself have moved to Albany recently. It's always good to see some familiar places. Keep up the good work.
1/7/2006 c8 73ICaughtFire
you told me to read this, so I did.I'm not from your area, and I'm also a white female...so a lot of it I probably don't get.
But I do like it. It would make a good movie, most definately.
73ICaughtFireyou told me to read this, so I did.I'm not from your area, and I'm also a white female...so a lot of it I probably don't get.
But I do like it. It would make a good movie, most definately.