for Pretend3/14/2006 c1 Eyetk
Woot! The last line is changed! Yes, yes, that's much better than before.
On the other hand, if they're just giving a blank stare in return...not sure that's a charade or more of a complete tune-out. Hum.
'In return' lessens the impact a bit, but on the other hand, you don't want to make it overly dramatic-but, yeah, you might want to fine-tune it a bit more. Maybe split the first line into two lines? (I'm looking at it from a visual point of view, and the first line is a lot longer than the rest). Still, with that last line fixed, it's -much- better. Cheers!
- Eyetk K.
Woot! The last line is changed! Yes, yes, that's much better than before.
On the other hand, if they're just giving a blank stare in return...not sure that's a charade or more of a complete tune-out. Hum.
'In return' lessens the impact a bit, but on the other hand, you don't want to make it overly dramatic-but, yeah, you might want to fine-tune it a bit more. Maybe split the first line into two lines? (I'm looking at it from a visual point of view, and the first line is a lot longer than the rest). Still, with that last line fixed, it's -much- better. Cheers!
- Eyetk K.
3/8/2006 c1 
9Eyetk
Wow. A powerful poem, each word very...deliberate sounding...well, okay, I confess, until the end. Something about the last line bugs me; it seems somehow weaker than the rest, which is far stronger.
(Although...yes, if it's weaker, then the rest is going to be stronger. Good job on pointing out the obvious, Eyetk!)
But, anyhow, fix that last line, because the rest of the poem deserves more!
Well, my two cents, anyway.
- Eyetk K.
9EyetkWow. A powerful poem, each word very...deliberate sounding...well, okay, I confess, until the end. Something about the last line bugs me; it seems somehow weaker than the rest, which is far stronger.
(Although...yes, if it's weaker, then the rest is going to be stronger. Good job on pointing out the obvious, Eyetk!)
But, anyhow, fix that last line, because the rest of the poem deserves more!
Well, my two cents, anyway.
- Eyetk K.
1/8/2006 c1 337Luthiena o Lorien
I'm not really in love with the last line,b tu the rest of the poem is absolutely beautiful; it's so wrought with pain.
337Luthiena o LorienI'm not really in love with the last line,b tu the rest of the poem is absolutely beautiful; it's so wrought with pain.