for Bridge to Eternity1/22/2006 c1 
20Pheobe Meryll
A dramatic beginning. You do such a wonderful job of creating an atmosphere in this story...I could feel the cool, salty sea air and see the shining city, and hear the piping music. I love your descriptives. I have a few criticisms...
"From somewhere in the center of the city, a Horn was winded, deep, low and melodious. a harp answered, clear, sharp and jovial." You need a serial comma after "low" and after "sharp."
"a lute, gentle and soothing, added itself to the serenade; and from somewhere among the medley of instruments, Ravenna thought she detected the thin, reedy tenor of a pipe as well." because of the "and," you don't need the semicolon, just a comma. If you take out the contraction it would make more sense. You did this more than once, so you mgiht want to look for more. Beautiful description, though - I can hear the music in my head as I read.
"she had worn it ever since her thirteenth birthday a week agao"..."ago."
"jugglers and snake charmers were magnatizing a part of the crowd, but today they had no effect on her." I'm not sure what you meant by this...maybe "were A magnatizing part of the crowd"?
"He turned back, frowning at the Sea"...sea is not a proper noun, so it's lower case.
Really, the only grammatic thing I'd worry about is semicolons. Other than that, this was very well-written and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Hopefully I shall return...
20Pheobe MeryllA dramatic beginning. You do such a wonderful job of creating an atmosphere in this story...I could feel the cool, salty sea air and see the shining city, and hear the piping music. I love your descriptives. I have a few criticisms...
"From somewhere in the center of the city, a Horn was winded, deep, low and melodious. a harp answered, clear, sharp and jovial." You need a serial comma after "low" and after "sharp."
"a lute, gentle and soothing, added itself to the serenade; and from somewhere among the medley of instruments, Ravenna thought she detected the thin, reedy tenor of a pipe as well." because of the "and," you don't need the semicolon, just a comma. If you take out the contraction it would make more sense. You did this more than once, so you mgiht want to look for more. Beautiful description, though - I can hear the music in my head as I read.
"she had worn it ever since her thirteenth birthday a week agao"..."ago."
"jugglers and snake charmers were magnatizing a part of the crowd, but today they had no effect on her." I'm not sure what you meant by this...maybe "were A magnatizing part of the crowd"?
"He turned back, frowning at the Sea"...sea is not a proper noun, so it's lower case.
Really, the only grammatic thing I'd worry about is semicolons. Other than that, this was very well-written and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Hopefully I shall return...