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for The Tale of Mortifer Amor Phasmus

7/17/2006 c1 With Rhyme and Reason
Let me say right off that this was one of the most original pieces I've ever read. When people try to write historically or even culturally, they usually end up putting too much "real life" into their work. But you don't do this; for example, you mention the Roman Empire, but you don't dwell on specificts; you don't lapse into a useless commentary about the Gracchi or Marcus Porcius Cato or Julius Caesar... you just use the time period as a setting-very good.

This story confused me a bit. After reading prose, I usually try to step back and make a sweeping generalization or summary about the piece's theme. For "The Tale of Mortifer Amor Phasmus" I come with something about lust and the vices of humanity. But I still can't decide if the Amor Phasmus (love ghost) is evil or good. He seems to exist to pleasure and kill humans-much like human vice. Perhaps I partially understand this story, but not completely.

You might consider working on your Latin. Just a suggestion. It is an astoundingly difficult language, and you have a few problems with your translations. Small point, though.

It kind of bothered me that you introduce Formidine Phasmatis and then drop him. I don't think this is the female from the end of the story... I kept wondering when you would bring in Formidine again.

At one point in the story I had to stop reading because I was laughing: "...in the traditional Greek-Roman style (yes, with nudity, but that's beside the point, now pick your mind up out of the gutter and keep reading)." -Yeah. Great. A little out of place, but it woke me up. I was getting lost in the surprisingly realistic descriptions and then you pull THAT out of the bag. Nice little sideline sentence. If you were considering this for serious publication, I might suggest removing it, but only because it's a bit biting for a story of such poetic eloquence.

You mention a gay and lesbian population. I'm still not clear on why you do this. Just to be liberal? Not sure I like the "by the way" reference to this.

Overall, pretty good. Like I mention above, VERY original. You have a few little grammar mistakes, but that's no big deal. I'm more worried about your Latin.

This story really made me think about humanity, and reminded me that vice can kill a person.

Nice job.

J
2/13/2006 c1 1snowydawn
Very interesting story. I haven't seen anything quite like it, especially fitting the chapters all into one page. but I guess it was a short story. But I think if you took the time to prolong it and go deeper into the plot, I think you could of gotten more reviews. You should write another story. You seem very intelligent, knowing Latin and all. Keep writing!

And please read my story and review, thankz!

~Keirya
1/20/2006 c1 7Fresh C
Overall I'd say I enjoyed this. There were a lot of interesting ideas that I know I probably would never have thought of.

I did feel that it needed a bit more conflict. At times it felt like it was dragging because there really wasn't much driving the story. Just a bunch of people adoring the 'love ghost'. Still I thought that this was a pretty good story.

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