for Trust4/30/2006 c1 
9ice flyer
Nice one shot. It's simple but says a lot.
One thing: I would change "A sob was heard" to "He heard a sob." (That is, if the girl is the one crying.) It just changes the passive voice structure and will make a stronger sentence.
Anyways, it was a touching story. Good job :)
9ice flyerNice one shot. It's simple but says a lot.
One thing: I would change "A sob was heard" to "He heard a sob." (That is, if the girl is the one crying.) It just changes the passive voice structure and will make a stronger sentence.
Anyways, it was a touching story. Good job :)
4/15/2006 c1 9Eyetk
Hrm, interesting, interesting. Nice metaphor with the music, eh? More description of the surroundings might help back it up, as otherwise this is very bare-bones...and it might read easier with a bit more meat.
Heh, I can sympathize with the 'write and review' tactic.
9EyetkHrm, interesting, interesting. Nice metaphor with the music, eh? More description of the surroundings might help back it up, as otherwise this is very bare-bones...and it might read easier with a bit more meat.
Heh, I can sympathize with the 'write and review' tactic.
1/28/2006 c1 20Pheobe Meryll
I kind of liked this little scene. Scratch that - I really liked it. I normally would look for more descriptives, but the simplicity of it drew me in. Nice...PS I enjoyed reading your profile. I love Yoda too and I agree with you about British accents, lol
20Pheobe MeryllI kind of liked this little scene. Scratch that - I really liked it. I normally would look for more descriptives, but the simplicity of it drew me in. Nice...PS I enjoyed reading your profile. I love Yoda too and I agree with you about British accents, lol