for Black and White and Grey3/7/2006 c4 
30lady-in-the-mirror
Yay! you found a way to carry on the story!I think maybe you should spend less time on the description...there is rather a lot of it.But apart from that, VERY GOOD! What happens next?
30lady-in-the-mirrorYay! you found a way to carry on the story!I think maybe you should spend less time on the description...there is rather a lot of it.But apart from that, VERY GOOD! What happens next?
2/7/2006 c4 3Adaku
NIcely deatiled paragraphs. I've read the 2nd and 3rd chapter already. Keep up the great work!
3AdakuNIcely deatiled paragraphs. I've read the 2nd and 3rd chapter already. Keep up the great work!
2/7/2006 c3 Mintelwerke
Every time someone talks, I think it's a different paragraph? I'm not sure, I think that's how it goes, though. It makes it easier on the eyes.
Otherwise, this story is great. Atmosphere is perfect and everything's so well-written. It's not rushed or anything. Very enjoyable to read.
Every time someone talks, I think it's a different paragraph? I'm not sure, I think that's how it goes, though. It makes it easier on the eyes.
Otherwise, this story is great. Atmosphere is perfect and everything's so well-written. It's not rushed or anything. Very enjoyable to read.
2/7/2006 c2 Mintelwerke
I think the word ''comraderie'' ir ''camaraderie'', but I could be wrong.
Wow, this story is amazing. Everything's split up into nice, easy-to-ead paragraphs, it grabs you from the first chapter with an interesting monologue, then this chapter was just amazing. I loved the style, very dark and heavy. Great job, please write more!
I think the word ''comraderie'' ir ''camaraderie'', but I could be wrong.
Wow, this story is amazing. Everything's split up into nice, easy-to-ead paragraphs, it grabs you from the first chapter with an interesting monologue, then this chapter was just amazing. I loved the style, very dark and heavy. Great job, please write more!
2/2/2006 c3 72Iris Early
AND IT'S OVER. Well. I very very much liked this, Pri. Exactly where do your talents end? You sing, you ICE DANCE, you wing tsun, you play the clarinet, and now you write too! You should have a TV show. This chapter in particular interested me. I loved the opening sentence (you may want to put your Author's Notes in brackets or something) and - from the last chapter - 'No one argued. The trap was laid.' You need to start new paragraphs for speech, though. Otherwise the speeches run into each other and it can be hard to read. I liked the death rites very much. At the end of the 7th chapter, right before the italicsy bit, you say 'I hugged Gwidikista to me and fell into a fitful, restless sleep without meaning to'. Personally, I have issues with ending a sentence with the word 'to'. Maybe '...and without meaning to, I fell into a fitful, restless sleep.' ANYWAY. Keep writing, honey. x noll.
72Iris EarlyAND IT'S OVER. Well. I very very much liked this, Pri. Exactly where do your talents end? You sing, you ICE DANCE, you wing tsun, you play the clarinet, and now you write too! You should have a TV show. This chapter in particular interested me. I loved the opening sentence (you may want to put your Author's Notes in brackets or something) and - from the last chapter - 'No one argued. The trap was laid.' You need to start new paragraphs for speech, though. Otherwise the speeches run into each other and it can be hard to read. I liked the death rites very much. At the end of the 7th chapter, right before the italicsy bit, you say 'I hugged Gwidikista to me and fell into a fitful, restless sleep without meaning to'. Personally, I have issues with ending a sentence with the word 'to'. Maybe '...and without meaning to, I fell into a fitful, restless sleep.' ANYWAY. Keep writing, honey. x noll.
2/2/2006 c2 Iris Early
I like this, Pria. Your voice is strong and the protagonist interests me. It's dramatic as well - I don't write action very well but you do. A couple of things to point out: around the fourth paragraph, you wrote 'I had created for myself a comfortable, whatever you may think, it was comfortable, ethically at least, life with effectively no meaning'. The sentence is fine but I'd put the middle clause in brackets with a dash, for clarity, so - 'I had created for myself a comfortable (whatever you may think, it was comfortable - ethically at least) life with effectively no meaning'. It's easier to read that way, I think. Also, in the next paragraph, in the second and third lines down, you start two sentences with the word 'these'. I'd avoid this - it sounds clumsy - maybe try leaving it out completely in the first ('Huge dead giants lay there, accommodating...') and 'the' for the second (The streams all eventually...)? Just suggestions. Keep writing, I'm gonna read the next chapter now.x noll
I like this, Pria. Your voice is strong and the protagonist interests me. It's dramatic as well - I don't write action very well but you do. A couple of things to point out: around the fourth paragraph, you wrote 'I had created for myself a comfortable, whatever you may think, it was comfortable, ethically at least, life with effectively no meaning'. The sentence is fine but I'd put the middle clause in brackets with a dash, for clarity, so - 'I had created for myself a comfortable (whatever you may think, it was comfortable - ethically at least) life with effectively no meaning'. It's easier to read that way, I think. Also, in the next paragraph, in the second and third lines down, you start two sentences with the word 'these'. I'd avoid this - it sounds clumsy - maybe try leaving it out completely in the first ('Huge dead giants lay there, accommodating...') and 'the' for the second (The streams all eventually...)? Just suggestions. Keep writing, I'm gonna read the next chapter now.x noll
2/2/2006 c3 30lady-in-the-mirror
Fabulous story, Pri!I loved the descriptions, they were so vivid! Update soon, or I will POKE you.
30lady-in-the-mirrorFabulous story, Pri!I loved the descriptions, they were so vivid! Update soon, or I will POKE you.
2/1/2006 c1 3Adaku
I like that you can express the feelings and motions in a character. I like that in a story. Though, I wish I can do that. Anyway, this sounds intersting. I'll try to review the other chapters if I can. Oh, and if you have a chance, plz read one of my stories. Please and Thank you. ^^
3AdakuI like that you can express the feelings and motions in a character. I like that in a story. Though, I wish I can do that. Anyway, this sounds intersting. I'll try to review the other chapters if I can. Oh, and if you have a chance, plz read one of my stories. Please and Thank you. ^^