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10/12/2007 c2 BlueTears75
This is so well-written. I can't wait to read more (which I hope will be soon?). You've really engaged me with the characters and how they'll develop. Keep up the good work.
8/12/2006 c2 2Teffie
I'm not quite sure what this chapter has to do with the prologue, but I'm sure we'll find out in due time.

-"Of course it was Hayden in charge of bringing the cows in tonight." That might sound better if you said, "Of course Hayden was in charge..."

-"If everyone didn't know you had your head buried in some book instead of a man's lap..." What is he saying exactly?

The characterization in this chapter was good. There are so many characters, but they all have distinctive personalities, so good job on that.

I hope you update soon!
8/12/2006 c1 Teffie
I'm not a big fan of the first sentence, I must admit. It's not very attention-grabbing. But the end of the chapter has got me intrigued. I can't wait to see what happens next!
7/23/2006 c1 9ice flyer
Good beginning! I liked the descriptions of the people and the images of the crowd. The last line was really excellent too ... sets up some tension already.

I also liked how you distinguished the four men by certain features and details. While I think it would be easier to sort them out if you named them, it was well done.

One thing that REALLY confused me is this: "Perhaps these could hear the weariness and headache in the Prince’s words, and see that the Princess’s smile did not reach her blue eyes." But this is talking about the Princess on the dais with the Prince. Didn't you make a special point that her eyes were NOT blue? I was confused about that. Maybe you could distinguish the two Princesses from each other. I was really muddled up as it is now.

Anyways, it's a nice beginning. I always enjoy fairy tale stories like this. Good job :)
6/8/2006 c2 rrmehta364
Sorry for following behind, and thanx for all the good, and rather useful reviews.

"ow had she lost track of the time again?" : I hate how ficpress takes my italics off. Anyways, I don't think they were necessary here.

Could you tell if someone's hair was slick from across a field?

"“staying out till all hours of the evenin?" : a 'g' is cut of in evening. If you cut it off on purpose, than you would need to put an apostrophe.

I kmow Rhoslyn is the person who we're supposed to feel for, but but I like Hayden more. Its a good thing you make him sound reasonable, because she would be holding up work for no good reason.

Wouldn't Fiana want some privacy when nursing?

"Of course, with only Asha and Karla around for sisters, she had almost forgotten how strange her other sisters were. Karla, though her younger twin Fiana had four children and her older brother Khalon three, had never married, preferring to stay and help run the farm with Andra and Khalon. Khalon took care of the fields, Karla of the animals, and Andra of the household itself. The arrangement worked nicely, for Karla had an affinity with and a firm hand for animals that her brother and sister-in-law lacked, and Andra, Rhosyln thought, was a much better cook than either of her eldest siblings. Asha, on the other hand, was as shy and sweetly retiring as Karla was bold and rough, and though Karla lost patience with her for her meekness and Rhoslyn lost patience with her for her total lack of interest in schooling, she was a great help to Andra and they all still loved her dearly." : I think this sentence might be gramatically correct, but it is rather long. I had to read it about four times before understanding it, and simply breaking it up would really simplify things.

"the young people of town of both sexes." : The phrasing of the sentence seems a bit awkward.

"and the sundry other topics" : I think there needs to be an of after sundry, but I could be mistaken.

I think the conversation covers topics a bit acrimonius, despite the fact the tone didn't seem acrimonious. I don't know if its normal for sisters to cover topics like that, but it seemed a bit odd to me.

Since Karla didn't marry anyone, I get the feeling the pressure to marry isn't quite as strong as the last few paragraphs made it seem.

I think you might have introduced a few too many characters too quickly. I lost track of all but a few people, and I think spreading it out would make it easier.

Well, that's all for now. Twas wonderful to read, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

p.s- Are there any other works you plan on editting, or doing something with. I owe you a lot of reviews, since your reviews pointed out a lot of stuff I hadn't thought, and you really haven't updated anything other than this in the past year.
6/6/2006 c2 LJ
Automatic Message-

Your story has been Recommended and Reviewed in the followingLivejournal community:

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Good Job! :)

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-[the mod]
6/2/2006 c2 1rrmehta364
I made a rather embarassing discovery recently: I never reviewed you, but instead sent you the review meant for buneater instead. Well, here's your real review. My sincerest apologies.

I'm not a huge fan of the first paragraph. Personally, I think something should be happening from the very beginning and not just a description.

"On the platform, both flowers and men wilted in the hot noon sun." : Lovely sentence there.

"jaundiced tone may one could charitably attribute to the effect of his " : I think the may was thrown in their randomly. Second, I don't think 'the effect' Finally, I don't see what one's color of clothing has to do with one's mood.

I can't put my finger on why, but something seems off with the dialogue. It sounds not too but...I just can't describe it. That said, I do like the humor in it.

"though not see, the restless crowd outside the walls," : the first comma not necessary.

Hm...the first time you mention the whole princess thing it seems a bit vague. I'm not sure how to fix it, but it does seem a bit confusing the first time around.

Oh, and sorry for the lateness of the review.

-goodbye.
5/26/2006 c2 1slayn
I absolutely love the prologue. You could even just leave it as is and call it its own story.

For chapter one, I have no idea how you can keep all those names straight. Hell, if I had those siblings in real life, I would have spent my entire childhood in a dzaed confusion.

Chapter 1 as a whole was not as interesting as the prologue. It does a good job of setting the scene and introducing us to the personalities of the characters but nothing *happens*. I mean some cows get milked. I feel you need some sort of action somewhere in this chapter. And action does not mean fights or things going *boom*. Action just means something happens, the story is progressed beyond simple dialog, etc.

Maybe show an exciting event at school or something, I don't know. But you need something to latch onto the reader's mind and pull them in so that they stay with you during the slower pieces of exposition.

I guess I'm just really dense, but I have no idea what fairy tale you are re-telling
5/23/2006 c1 1rrmehta364
"There was something about looking down the wrong end of the barrel of a gun that always focussed Holly’s mind." : Great opening sentence. Makes me want to read more, while also letting me know this is probably a bit of a comedy.

"Horse-chestnut sellers" : What are those? I think I'm just being thick here.

"way the air seemed to hiss at her as the bullet had flown by her ear." :A bullet going past her ear would be fairly close the way its described here. If someone inexperienced was trying to miss her, they would probably miss by a lot.

"Really, this situation was nothing compared with the chaos young, sticky children could cause." : You know, they aren't always all bad.

Wait, isn't his mispronounciation how you're supposed to say it?

Um...what happens at the end of the first half. It just sort of ends without giving the reader resolution. Personally, I think keeping things mysterious is not a good thing when its a matter of the reader not knowin what's going on.

"Winter coat," : Don't see any reason to capitalize 'Winter'

"The little beggar must have rolled under a couch or a bookshelf or something." : Wait, is the little beggar the golf ball?

"Holly could hear the Puppy of Hope bounding up against her father’s words." : I laughed outloud.

Hm...I think the only big criticism I'd have is some of the random asides seem a bit out of place. A lot of them are very funny, and most are slightly funny when taken individually but together, they sometimes seem a bit much.

Also, I think you might want to resolve the whole thing at the beginning because it was actually a rather interestng beginning and I rather want to find out what happens. Therefore, I shall point a metaphorical gun at you and demand you update soon.

An excellent beginning. Very funny, and random. Looking forward to reading more.

-goodbye.
5/9/2006 c2 7sketchingaCYNiC
Okay, I guess I definitely like this chapter better than the last.

If you didn't know, your story was recommended on the LJ community fp_review. And since I'm a coward, I didn't respond directly to your story with my criticisms immediately.

Firstly, I'd say... the summary wasn't really a summary. It's good to be vague, and certainly it does draw some readers in, but you don't even really describe it (I usually look for an author's description in their profile). It'd be helpful if you were more specific, i.e. what "age-old tale" is this story based upon? It'll give a better idea for your readers to have some facts in summary as they read.

Also, the story has really heavy detail and makes it kind of tedious to read. Do you have to describe the physical appearances and gestures of every character before he/she speaks? I mean, sure, I suppose it is well-written, and (over)flows like a fairy tale would be told... But for me, the story is just hard to get interested in if there's so much detail to read. Then again... maybe it's just me.

Dialogue is good, very good. Uh, but I have a problem with the question marks (or rather, lack thereof). E.g., “What's wrong with the men around here,” should be “What's wrong with the men around here?” - or maybe that's just a pet peeve of mine.

Anyways, I'm suspecting (by Rhoslyn's character) that this is probably some altercation of Beauty and the Beast? But no one's called Rhoslyn a belle yet (her name is beautiful, by the way). She seems Belle's age... At least in the Disney movies, I think.

The prologue was interesting, but a bit weird. I don't understand it. Hopefully you'll bring it into play soon. :)
5/9/2006 c1 5Maroon
Wow wow, glad i found this through a recomendation. This was really well written, I loved the prologue and the first chapter equally. There was something really heart renching about the last section of your prologue.

Also at first I thought all the characters in the peice would be difficult to take in, but neatly defined them throughout the chapter so that it was not hard. I really hope you update this, as already I enjoyed it. I really haven't a clue where this was going. I wonder if the prologue was set in the future and the girl with blue eyes was Roslyn? I'm trying to make a connection between the two.

Anyway carry on writing Love maroon
5/4/2006 c2 3Katiefoolery
I'm enjoying this story very much and my only disappointment is that there are only two chapters so far! You really do write well and I'm particularly impressed with your dialogue. The character of Rhoslyn is engaging and skilfully drawn. She's a lovely protagonist and I look forward to getting to know her a little better.

The only criticism I have is that I felt a bit overwhelmed by all the people in this chapter. You have provided us with a helpful list at the start, but it's still a little confusing. Are you sure you need to have all of them in this chapter? If so, could you possibly introduce us to them gradually? For instance, you could have Rhoslyn encounter them in smaller groups and engage in a little conversation with them to give us their place in the family and the story.

The story reminds me a little of the Sevenwaters trilogy by Juliet Marillier. Have you read any of her books? She also writes long versions of old fairy tales in a way that brings them to light again, which is what you're doing here. Of course, your writing is quite different and the atmosphere your own, but I couldn't help finding small similarities there.

I really do hope you write some more of this story. The intriguing prologue and the character of Rhoslyn have me itching to read more. I'm sure I'll still be thinking about this story for days to come.
5/4/2006 c1 Katiefoolery
I was happily reading along until I reached the part with the peasant girl with the princess's eyes... when I gasped out loud! What a wonderful twist!

Along the way, I found this strange sentence, which I think may be due to a word being left behind in the editing process:

"... a figure whose jaundiced tone may one could charitably attribute to..."

Your style is very confident and your words drew me along beautifully.

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