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for Immortal Tears

8/6/2006 c8 14Cheyenne Kai
"He let his words hung in mid-air" 'hung' - 'hang' 'rewind' - 'rewound'"Another drop fell on his hand. This time, it was rain" - I liked this transition. The end was really sad! People keep reading this over my shoulder and commenting on how good it is. And I agree.
8/6/2006 c7 Cheyenne Kai
"yet I have only chose four out of them" - 'chose' - 'chosen' 'built' - 'build'"the coldness spreading to his skin and limbs" - maybe change to 'the cold spread to his skin and limbs' this is only an opinion though. Maybe you should keep it, or you will use the word 'cold' twice. Interesting.
2/18/2006 c7 3Rayfield Noland
I've read your opening statement and i beg to differ; this chapter is excellent. I look forward toyour next chapter.
2/14/2006 c6 14Cheyenne Kai
wow, definatly a different direction I thought this was going in, would never have imagined that to happen. I liked how you introduced all of the different characters in this chapter.
2/14/2006 c3 Cheyenne Kai
I would change the noun 'tummy' to 'stomach' it sounds more medical, and in the context more gruesome. This chapter got me to wonder; will he use his powers for good or for evil?
2/14/2006 c2 Cheyenne Kai
If he is in hospital, and wanted to know the date, I think rather than asking what he wanted to know it for, they would be worried, he could have concussion/amnesia etc. Especially since he was in a coma, you would expect them to want to know the date. Also, try to write numbers in letter format. lol, went back to bed SENSING trouble, he can see/feel trouble! Inerested to see how this ends up.
2/14/2006 c1 Cheyenne Kai
That is a really capturing first sentence."One moment, he was this poor beggar, and the other moment, he was this cool dictator" take out the commas after 'moment' "But dreaming to the point that you have had a sex change? That’s one thing." wrong phrase - change 'one thing' to 'another thing' I think thte problem with this, it is good, don't get me wrong, but it seems too anecdotal, and talkative, i.e. 'when this bus,' try experimenting with other narratives, it doesn't quite fit with the story. I may be wrong, and it may be perfect for it later on, just a thought.
2/12/2006 c5 3Rayfield Noland
I'm not sure if i mentioned it before, but your story is good. I look forward to your nrext chapter.
2/11/2006 c1 Rayfield Noland
I believe this story is going to be really good when it's done. I look forward to your next chapter.

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