6/11/2007 c1 half-sketched.staccatos
konichi wa

This was heartbreaking and beautiful.

For the second stanza, the last line is a forced rhyme; and it doesn't sound to great with the rest of the poem ("There is no more us, mate"). But I like the idea of being able to sue fate. ;P

The other line that sounded forced was: "(I've got something in my eye)." I understand the 'crying thing,' but it still sounded a bit forced. *shrug(

I had a ton of favorite lines from this:

"I've fallen out of love with you"

"Obsession, misdirection"

"The white lighter pushes through the prism/Splits into a rainbow"

"You go red as I go blue/Ain't nothin' we can do"

"But pray for each other/Instead of on each other" (I really liked the sort-of-pun here)

My absolute favorite line in this poem was, "And isn't a moment's joy worth mourning its loss?" I wanted to know if you'd let me write that in a book of quotes that I have. I'd write that you wrote it (or your penname), so I figure you wouldn't mind; but I like to ask just in case.

Zaijen

-Shan-