for No Longer Dreaming3/10/2007 c1 
52meaninglessTears
aw... it's sad but it's kinda true. the world seems to be falling apart all over. nice poem tho and well written. keep writing!
52meaninglessTearsaw... it's sad but it's kinda true. the world seems to be falling apart all over. nice poem tho and well written. keep writing!
3/1/2007 c1 20Mein Herz Brennt
Well, I like it. I'm not too sure what it's about but it is well written nonetheless.
20Mein Herz BrenntWell, I like it. I'm not too sure what it's about but it is well written nonetheless.
8/12/2006 c1 31Leaving Here
not that choppy... mine are so much worse choppy...lol
i love the part abt Heaven's gates have closed. great line.
31Leaving Herenot that choppy... mine are so much worse choppy...lol
i love the part abt Heaven's gates have closed. great line.
3/22/2006 c1 5ShadowYellowEyes
Hello, elfy. Wow, sorta depressing (though you did warn the reader: angst alert!).
I like the rhythm in the repeated lines, "children screaming, parents not breathing, what, what has this world come to?". 1 2 3 4, 1+2 3 4, 1 rest, 1+2 3 4 1. Sweet. And while you did warn confusing at the end, I think that there can be some inferences drawn for each reader for themselves, which points to good strong poetry. What happened does not have to be answered. And though it was depressing, it was good. Until next time, ~Shadow
5ShadowYellowEyesHello, elfy. Wow, sorta depressing (though you did warn the reader: angst alert!).
I like the rhythm in the repeated lines, "children screaming, parents not breathing, what, what has this world come to?". 1 2 3 4, 1+2 3 4, 1 rest, 1+2 3 4 1. Sweet. And while you did warn confusing at the end, I think that there can be some inferences drawn for each reader for themselves, which points to good strong poetry. What happened does not have to be answered. And though it was depressing, it was good. Until next time, ~Shadow
2/28/2006 c1 Robin Siskin
Have you ever considered turning this into a song? It has a really cool lyrical quality about it. I can easily see it turned into a song of any genre, from pop to opera to metal.
The one thing I didn't like was that you seemed to think you needed puncuation after every line: this isn't true. For instance, instead of "The children,/Are going insane," you would have "The children/Are going insane." I find that, when I'm working with poetry where breaking the lines may be awkward, I write out the lines in sentence form to see how they would be punctuated. That was all I saw wrong with this.
Have you ever considered turning this into a song? It has a really cool lyrical quality about it. I can easily see it turned into a song of any genre, from pop to opera to metal.
The one thing I didn't like was that you seemed to think you needed puncuation after every line: this isn't true. For instance, instead of "The children,/Are going insane," you would have "The children/Are going insane." I find that, when I'm working with poetry where breaking the lines may be awkward, I write out the lines in sentence form to see how they would be punctuated. That was all I saw wrong with this.
2/28/2006 c1 5Drops of Jewpiter
yes- i play cello, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, and i'm learning mandolin. good poem btw.~dropsofjewpitr~
5Drops of Jewpiteryes- i play cello, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, and i'm learning mandolin. good poem btw.~dropsofjewpitr~
2/25/2006 c1 18lulujynxgemini
i like the way this is written. it flows well. it sounds cool to read out loud. i liked it.
18lulujynxgeminii like the way this is written. it flows well. it sounds cool to read out loud. i liked it.
2/24/2006 c1 Zoloman
that's good . . . .sort of wierd but I liked it!
that's good . . . .sort of wierd but I liked it!
2/23/2006 c1 12Solid-Truth
I liked the overall thought in this piece, but all the questions make it seem like instead of telling a story or informing people, you're just asking a bunch of questions to try to have people "end" the story how they want.
That's interesting but I think since you're writing it, you should talk about all of the outcomes.
12Solid-TruthI liked the overall thought in this piece, but all the questions make it seem like instead of telling a story or informing people, you're just asking a bunch of questions to try to have people "end" the story how they want.
That's interesting but I think since you're writing it, you should talk about all of the outcomes.
2/20/2006 c1 31Zakiue
Nice. I like the idea behind it, I totally agree. I love the repetition with the whole "What, what has this world come to?" The two whats make it seem like a song.
I don't like the stanza "Where are the parents?/What has happened to them?/Where are now the children?/Don’t tell me they are dead too."
It's not very rhythmic. I'd go back and redo that stanza, or take it out, or something.
31ZakiueNice. I like the idea behind it, I totally agree. I love the repetition with the whole "What, what has this world come to?" The two whats make it seem like a song.
I don't like the stanza "Where are the parents?/What has happened to them?/Where are now the children?/Don’t tell me they are dead too."
It's not very rhythmic. I'd go back and redo that stanza, or take it out, or something.