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2/13/2006 c1 7EbonySins
Shouldn't this be chaptered with the 1st one? Anyway, learn some paragraph structure and use quotes when writing dialogue, its hard to read otherwise. I understand a few mistakes here and there (It’s a human thing, it happens. Even I make them!) but don't let too many by if you really want to be considered a credible writer.~ES
2/13/2006 c1 5Mad Asher
Indeed...As such the last reviewer DID say, put quotation marks and pput more paragraphs instead of a single one with large bouts of text. I don't know why you did that, probably it's your computer, but you have to...stop it. It's impossible to read anything like this.

And my criticism, I believe, is more than outlined in the one last review that you received (e. Raven's Pen).

I saw no devolpment. Pretty horrible, I would say, but I guess you're already pissed off with your reviews as it is.

Good luck!

_Conquest_
2/13/2006 c1 90Raven's Pen
Please, please put your dialogue into "quotations" and add a little seperation to the paragraph. I can't tell who is saying what, and it's not because I'm a bad reader; it's because the structure of your paragraph is bad and nothing is clear in it. Your punctuation is only occassional, which leaves you with gigantic run on sentences that don't make sense. The structural errors are so grevious that it is impossible to know what's going on, so I didn't see any sort of development throughout.

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