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11/7/2006 c5 Ri
Great story! Ryan sounds pretty cool. Poor Vicky losing her mum is very sad. Story's quite funny though, especially with her talking aloud and the whole catching the nerd's eyes hahahaha. Hope you update soon! It's been ages _
6/11/2006 c5 8nostalgicEXPLOSION
I really like this story. I like the fact that it's humorous because I definitely love romantic comedies-but yet, it's an angsty story. I love the combination. There really isn't anything else to say.

3/1/2006 c4 17angels and effects
I love this story! The characters are so realistic. It's kind of sad that Vicky lost her mom at such a young age and lost Ryan as a friend. Anyway, he sounds cool .

Waiting for the next chappie!
2/28/2006 c5 8Bottled
You're annoying. Getting my hopes up for no reason...
2/28/2006 c4 Randomer
Woot woot! I like this story... continue... and UDPATE! asap...

2/27/2006 c4 8Tasyin
You have a really interesting idea here. Your main character is very real, which is often hard to do within a few chapters, so kudos to you on that. The other character's I'm a little confused about, but I'm sure you're going to let us know them a little better later on.

In chapter one the flashback scene is good, but the stuff around it is a little lacking. I can understand your reasoning, to create more of a lost mood, and it doesn't affect the story that much, but I think that the whole thing would be much more effective if you either made the flashback itself the entire chapter and left out the modern part (you could title it as a flashback or just put the date of then and date of the present in the next chapter), or you could also extend the modern part. It would just make it flow more, honestly the modern stuff is well written, but I almost accidentally skipped over it because of the prominence of the flashback. So yeah, try and balance that out a little.

Chapter 2 is very good, except you don't really make it clear whether or not her father has already read the letter. Sides that little thing it's peachy.

Ok, third chapter is where you begin to fall apart a little bit. First major errors are inconsistancies in little things, such as on the bus she states that it isn't cold outside and then later on while waiting declares that it's freezing. There are several others. Also in a few places you switch tense. Sometimes events are happenING and sometimes they've happenED. Pick one.

Also, and this ties into fourth chapter comments, if she knew Ryan as a little kid and can talk about him knowing everything about her then it's kind of silly for her to not be able to recognize him. Yes her mother died and she pushed them away, but haven't you ever stopped being friends with someone? In general you keep an eye on them, at least some of the time, and always know what they look like and probably a bit about what kind of a person they are as well. It just doesn't make sense, especially since in chapter 4 she's going on about how he should know everything about her since they were friends in kindergarden, which is also a little odd.

Another inconsistancy I noticed in this chapter is your describing the school as too poor to afford buses, which I believe are actually supplied by the state usually, but then saying that everyone in the town is rich. Logically if the town is wealthy then there are more taxes and the education of the town would have a larger budget. I think you'd be best off if you just cut that line out, she's there during a vacation anyway, isn't she? I don't know if vacation's over or not, but it was happening in the last chapter. Anyway, if it's still vacation then she'd need to get to school on the city bus anyway or walk or something, so just change it to that. Or say they're there on a saturday. There's a lot of ways you could switch that around so that it would make sense.As a side note it's raining in the third paragraph and then it miraculously stops? Or something? I dunno, but you might want to notice it.

The last major thing that doesn't make sense to me is the school putting a 17 year old boy in a room with a 17 year old girl. It just doesn't happen. They don't let kids stay in the same room when they're ten even, sometimes they even tape the door to make sure that nobody visits other rooms at night. The school would have to be completely idiotic to allow that with seventeen year olds. I know that it's a story and all, but it should at least make logical sense. The principle could say that since they're the odd ones out they will have adjoining rooms, or be on the other side of the hotel from the rest of them. If you're dead set on having them in the same room for plot reasons you could just have there be a problem with one of their rooms and because there's no where else for that one to go they stay with the other. But no school administration would put two 17 year old kids together. It just doesn't happen.

Chapter four is pretty much ok, except for the inconsistancy with her knowing Ryan that I mentioned before.

Overall I have to say that for a first story you're doing really well. Just as a note, in general speaking with your own voice in the form of the character detracts from the story, like you do in chapter three with the answering questions. I suppose it's a stylistic thing, but unless there's actually a point to it you might be better off just leaving it out. Righto, positive comments now! :) I like your style, descriptions are really good, which is one of the hardest things in writing, so you get a round of applause for that. Like I said before, your characters have good personalities, they really are real people. So keep up the good work! There's a lot of good stuff in here, as long as you clear it up so the reader can notice it.

If any of this offends you I'm just a bored kid with nothing else to do but criticize things, so I apologize. You're a good writer, I hope fictionpress helps you to improve.

2/27/2006 c4 hailey
ok so it is offical i am hooked on your story and u must continue! u are really good i like it alot! love the character! please write more!hailey
2/27/2006 c4 8Bottled
I have one complaint... CHAPTERS TOO SHORT! and update sooner ffs!anyway, liked the interaction between Ryan and Vic in this chapter. :D tres weldun.
2/23/2006 c3 11Luv and Peace
So many potential guys! I was like, damn! Someone just won the lottery. LOL. Anyway, good chapter, everything flowed really well. hm, out of the three guys, 'Duck' would be my favourite! Or the goth guy? Or maybe the physics dude? AH! Update soon!

By the way, thanks for reviewing In My Thoughts. Sort of late review, but hey, better late than never right?

Anyway, hope you post the next chapter soon! It's a unique plot, so...update!
2/20/2006 c3 8Bottled
God, you're obsessed with those weird musics bands... Geez... even including them in your fiction. Lol. Bet you're basing Tori on yourself, with the whole foreign languages thing lol.

dunno who's she's gonna end up with right now though. Update soon!
2/16/2006 c2 glittericous
kindergarten through 6th grade is usually elementary

then 7&8 is junior high

then 9-12 is high school.

you graduate either your 11th or 12th year, after that you apply for college and depending on whether you get in or not you further your education.

9th grade is freshman (aka fish)10th grade is sophmores (aka smores)11th grade is juniors 12th is seniors.

each state has testing usually at the end of each school year to determine whether you pass or not. once you hit high school though you only pass the grade if you pass the test.

that's about as much as i can get w/out getting into too much detail.
2/15/2006 c2 Bottled
Jesus, how you actually managed to include Pierre wats his face in here is a mystery to me. *roll eyes* Great chapter, but try writing longer ones goddammit! I always try to achieve 20 words for mine (even though normally i go way over... Oo)

Anyway, update soon!
2/14/2006 c1 Bottled
Guess who? lol, its relli good so far! Continue asap, you stupid twat!i can neva write long reviews but i think the name cheesepop is erally cute!
2/13/2006 c1 29prancu
great beginning, I'm looking forward to reading the rest
2/13/2006 c1 3Drowning In Darkness
Great beginning, flash backs are always lovely for a story. ::smiles:: I like it, very sad...


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