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2/25/2006 c2 16Itxaro Vizcarra
I'd suggest that you cut out the prologue. Honestly, it's completely unnecessary, boring, and many people will skip over it (being irritated if we have to come back and read again). Nobody likes a history lesson, and, no matter how infatuated you may be with your world, the reader doesn't have that same fascination. We really only get involved when we have a character to identify with.

Now, the first chapter turned me off completely. Although you've definitely got some character (which can be commendable, due to the extreme lack of such in many crossover fantasies), your sentence structure is boring and repetitive. Try reading your first paragraph out loud. Doesn't it sound boring? Doesn't it have some flow trouble? It's also one big gob of telling. You can really show it in the story, as you can with the history of your world.

Keep writing.

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