for Selfish People4/24/2006 c5 hi
Heheh. Cute.
Heheh. Cute.
3/22/2006 c1 malaise
I liked your old summary better :)
I liked your old summary better :)
3/17/2006 c3 
3chocolatemusic
Excellent writing!
I caught a typo... "Her greatest fear was running of time, giving out before she was able to attain her own aimless pursuits"... I believe there ought to be an "out" between running and time.
Anyway, overall I think the writing is wonderful. This chapter is a bit overdone, I think, with Berry and his expatiations. If that was intentional, then I understand the artistic purpose, though I don't see the need for it.
Please continue!
cm
3chocolatemusicExcellent writing!
I caught a typo... "Her greatest fear was running of time, giving out before she was able to attain her own aimless pursuits"... I believe there ought to be an "out" between running and time.
Anyway, overall I think the writing is wonderful. This chapter is a bit overdone, I think, with Berry and his expatiations. If that was intentional, then I understand the artistic purpose, though I don't see the need for it.
Please continue!
cm
3/17/2006 c1 15Idiot Pilot
This has an interesting plotline. Of course, I'm inclined not to like the main character for being a selfish male pig, but actually he is a pretty interesting character that reminds me of some of my friends. We'd laugh at their foolish antics. My only critique would be in the first paragraph you mentioned that she was a leggy blue-eyed blonde and then said that she had innocent blue eyes. You probably could just say "She was a leggy blonde with innocent blue eyes." and not mention it twice. Otherwise, very good.
15Idiot PilotThis has an interesting plotline. Of course, I'm inclined not to like the main character for being a selfish male pig, but actually he is a pretty interesting character that reminds me of some of my friends. We'd laugh at their foolish antics. My only critique would be in the first paragraph you mentioned that she was a leggy blue-eyed blonde and then said that she had innocent blue eyes. You probably could just say "She was a leggy blonde with innocent blue eyes." and not mention it twice. Otherwise, very good.
3/17/2006 c4 hi
Good story. :] Can't wait to read what happens next! Update soon!
Good story. :] Can't wait to read what happens next! Update soon!
3/17/2006 c4 Shalomi
I like it, keep going.
I like it, keep going.
3/10/2006 c2 jean m
the part about the high school scandal and her writing about it sounds eerily familiar about a concept in another story posted long before this. same thing except the character in the other story basically did it by spreading word instead of printing it out.
yeah.
i know not everything is original, but the familiarity is kind of too much.
otherwise, other than the cliché - which isn't a bad thing, per se - it's pretty good. the first chapter was better written than this current installment, however. this was a bit more "tell" than "show".
the part about the high school scandal and her writing about it sounds eerily familiar about a concept in another story posted long before this. same thing except the character in the other story basically did it by spreading word instead of printing it out.
yeah.
i know not everything is original, but the familiarity is kind of too much.
otherwise, other than the cliché - which isn't a bad thing, per se - it's pretty good. the first chapter was better written than this current installment, however. this was a bit more "tell" than "show".
3/6/2006 c2 Midnight Owl
Ohwow.
So, okay, I've been trying to distance myself from fictionpress since (basicallY) the site has been getting on my nerves etcetcetc. And then you come along with this amazing brilliant story that I can already tell has so much potential. Your summary was awesome, it really captured a different essence- something new and interesting to read.
I love your introductions to the character and to the plot. Luke and Brad are tangible- real guys that go to high school. The most interesting character, though, had to be Madison. I love how you made her so realistically flawed... it'll be interesting to see a cliche story take a turn for once.
Keep writing, you've got a great style.
Ohwow.
So, okay, I've been trying to distance myself from fictionpress since (basicallY) the site has been getting on my nerves etcetcetc. And then you come along with this amazing brilliant story that I can already tell has so much potential. Your summary was awesome, it really captured a different essence- something new and interesting to read.
I love your introductions to the character and to the plot. Luke and Brad are tangible- real guys that go to high school. The most interesting character, though, had to be Madison. I love how you made her so realistically flawed... it'll be interesting to see a cliche story take a turn for once.
Keep writing, you've got a great style.
3/5/2006 c1 Hester Inkmaid
I was so happy when I found an email in my inbox alerting me to this!
I loved it. It wasn't particularly long, but you managed to convey clear sketches of all the characters, with no extra baggage.
Your characters are stereotypes. The hot guy and his wingman, the hot girl and her sidekick. But while in most stories steretyupes are connected in some way to flat, two-dimensional characters, Luke, Brad, Madison, and the sidekick already seem like real people. People that I see all the time.
Perfect first chapter. Concise, with a very strong hook. You get right to the point. I'm eagerly awaiting the next update.
I liked "The Parquet", but I have a feeling I'll like this one even better. That reminds me. I still haven't left you a nice long review for Parquet.
You have a generally good writing style... but thinking about it, I think your main strength is characters. This reminds me of the book "The Godfather" by Mario Puzo. Puzo also has a simple, non-frilly style of writing, but like you he's disturbingly honest when he writes them...
Anyway, sorry about the disorganized-ness of the review.
I was so happy when I found an email in my inbox alerting me to this!
I loved it. It wasn't particularly long, but you managed to convey clear sketches of all the characters, with no extra baggage.
Your characters are stereotypes. The hot guy and his wingman, the hot girl and her sidekick. But while in most stories steretyupes are connected in some way to flat, two-dimensional characters, Luke, Brad, Madison, and the sidekick already seem like real people. People that I see all the time.
Perfect first chapter. Concise, with a very strong hook. You get right to the point. I'm eagerly awaiting the next update.
I liked "The Parquet", but I have a feeling I'll like this one even better. That reminds me. I still haven't left you a nice long review for Parquet.
You have a generally good writing style... but thinking about it, I think your main strength is characters. This reminds me of the book "The Godfather" by Mario Puzo. Puzo also has a simple, non-frilly style of writing, but like you he's disturbingly honest when he writes them...
Anyway, sorry about the disorganized-ness of the review.
3/5/2006 c1 22groovacious
wow this is sounding really good! I love it...some parts are a little confusing because I don't understand the current point of view but overall its really good, keep wtiting. I'm definitley interested.
22groovaciouswow this is sounding really good! I love it...some parts are a little confusing because I don't understand the current point of view but overall its really good, keep wtiting. I'm definitley interested.