6/11/2008 c1 1Chee
...what was the point of this chapter?

This is the first chapter, the chapter that gets the ball rolling...and nothing and I mean NOTHING happened.

Okay, first sentence is boring. There is nothing interesting about a girl with long dusty brown hair leaning over a backpack.

Middle. Not enough details. Too much dialouge. There is no problem. Your first chapter gets the ball rolling, and it should grab your readers attention to continue on with the story. I don't see any of that.

Lastly, the end. Why should she regret that descision? Why is sleeping with her brother so bad? I don't get it, why would that be a mistake? I skimmed the second chapter and I didn't see anything of why she regretted sleeping with her brother.

It's way to vast and open, it doesn't give your readers an answer. Why should the little things that doom...doom? I don't see a reason for that sentence, its pointless.

This chapter is pointless, its not going anywhere. I'd recommend you fix up this chapter. First chapters are your first impression, make it good.

(Your second chapter makes a far better first chapter, by the way)

3/30/2007 c1 Torn and Tattered
Lol, a little more description would help this story quite a bit, but that's okay. It was a good start... and i'll keep going.